Stephen Colbert quotes from The Colbert Report

Stephen

If you non-Catholic Christians are upset, well, just have your Pope issue a response. Oh, that's right, you don't have a Pope because your faith is defective. Sorry, Catholicism is clearly superior. Don't believe me? Name one Protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. I think that Lord has spoken on this one.

Stephen

[In response to Bill O'Reilly's comparison of Daily Kos with the Ku Klux Klan and the Nazi party.] Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum.

Stephen

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me "sir".

Stephen

Love is a full-length mirror.

Stephen

I actually do think that Wikipedia is an amazing thing. It is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge, or when I want to create some.

Stephen

Which brings me to threat number one: gravity. It is not enough--it is not enough that everyone in the mainstream media is against this President. Now even the laws of physics are jumping on the anti-Bush bandwagon? 'Course, I've known about gravity's liberal bias ever since my tenth grade science teacher, Mr. Stamp, dropped a bowling ball and a feather in a vacuum. Bowling ball should definitely have won. There's only one way that feather could keep up: affirmative action. Point is, we've lost gravity to the liberals, folks; but inertia, I hope you're listening! You of all principles of physics should know to stay the course.

Stephen

Every time the President comes up with a new secret tactic to take down al Qaeda, the media blows its cover. Torture, monitoring our phone calls, monitoring our emails, secret prisons, all perfectly reasonable temporary concessions of freedom that will only be in effect as long as our never-ending war on terror.

Stephen

When I decided to run for president, I did not do it for the attention. I did it to fulfill a dream, of being the most popular man in the world.

Stephen

The next President will live in the White House...white guy...Guy Smiley...smiley face...horse face...horseshoe...shoe box...Johann Sebastian Bach...Baroque music...Baroque Obama, NO!

Stephen

[on being shown Abraham Lincoln's hat] Forget about the Secret Service, where was the fashion police?

Stephen

I tell you what: you ever see me wearing a hat like that, shoot me.

Stephen

[on Abraham Lincoln's projected IQ] So it is possible that he actually shot himself in the head, while he was trying to comb his hair with a gun.

Stephen

Hey, alternating current, why don't you just admit you're bi?

Stephen

Now it seems the crooks charge twenty to thirty thousand dollars for a fake Ferrari body attached to an old Pontiac chassis, and here's how you sniff out a fake: take a pocketknife and scrape off some of the paint on the hood just behind the ornament. If it's a real Ferrari... someone will kick your ass.

Stephen

It's no secret, folks. It's all over the news. We are living in some hard times. The economy is in the crapper, bin Laden is still at large, and Steve Gutenberg is on Dancing with the Stars. I wonder what star he's dancing with? Now I think, in fact, there wouldn't be any good news out there if it weren't for... Nazi gold.