Stephen Colbert quotes from The Colbert Report

Stephen

(04-14-2009) Hey Navy Seals, why don't you take a crack at Captain Morgan? That guy made me feel like I was captive in a boat for 5 days. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(04-15-2009) Do not adjust your set, unless you wanna make my face even redder. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(04-16-2009) I hate to pat myself on the back. So I have my assistant do it. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(04-20-2009) Spoiler Alert, ugly duckling, you're actually a swan. An ugly one. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(04-21-2009) For NHL scores and highlights, move to Canada. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(04-22-2009) I float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee. And if that fails, I curl up like an armadillo. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(04-23-2009) My show is suitable for ages 9 to 99. After that, you're Willard Scott's problem. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(04-27-2009) I say potato. End of story. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(04-28-2009) The Colbert Report is filmed before whatever follows it. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(04-29-2009) Hey Mom, let me say in advance. Happy belated Mothers Day. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(04-30-2009) I dunno how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. But it takes 12,809 to get to the center of an iPhone. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(05-05-2009) Hey code breakers, heres a hint. Try Harder! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(05-06-2009) If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why do they hurt when I spray them with Windex? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(05-07-2009) Remember, when you hear the secret word, scream real loud. Tonight's secret word, SSHHHH. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen

(05-11-2009) If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, my illegal logging business succeeds. This Is the Colbert Report!