Shane McInerney quotes from Signed, Sealed, Delivered

Shane McInerney

It must be very exhausting, always trying to find ways to say "I love you" without actually saying "I love you."

Oliver

I went on a pilgrimage to the National Postal Museum two years ago. It was glorious.

Shane McInerney

I can't say that I ever went.

Oliver

I got lost in it.

Shane

Did you go alone?

Oliver

No. Well, sort of. I, uh, I took my wife, a lovely person whose interests extended far beyond the written word to, shall we say, the somewhat decadent. We were standing in front of the Pony Express exhibit. I turned around; she wasn't there anymore. I looked everywhere for her. I finally gave up. I went back to the Holiday Inn Express and, um, waited for her. She never came. I was just about to call the police when I noticed that little red light blinking on the phone. She left this message: she said that she was tired of being married to a government official, and she figured, since she was in Washington, DC, it was the closest she had ever been to Paris, so she was getting on a plane and moving to France.

Shane

I'm so sorry, Oliver. Did she ever come back?

Oliver

Not yet. The last thing she said on her message was, "I'll send you my forwarding address. Au revoir!" Actually, she pronounced it "or rev-or," but I assume her accent's much improved by now.

Shane

Don't you think you've waited for her long enough?

Oliver

I believe in keeping promises. I am, after all, a gentleman.

Shane

That you are.

Oliver O'Toole

"All's well that ends well," hmm?

Shane McInerney

No, no. You do not get to quote Shakespeare tonight. Shakespeare never had to thwart a drug cartel.

Oliver

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon 'em."

Shane

You're impossible.

Shane McInerney

Oliver, why don't you just ask one of your friends, or a neighbor, or one of the nice ladies at your church?

Oliver O'Toole

I don't want a nice lady, I want you— [awkwardly cuts himself off too late]

Shane

Oh. Hm.

Oliver

What I mean is that you and I have danced before, and you are not entirely without grace.

Shane

[sarcastically] Oh, be still my heart.

Oliver

I would very much appreciate it, Ms. McInerney.

Shane

Okay, Oliver. I will.

Oliver O'Toole

How dare you? How dare you invade my privacy? And my wife's? With that horrible machine and that insatiable curiosity of yours? I assume that's what you did: looked up my wife's comings and goings. Just because you have the means to do so, just because you can?!

Shane McInerney

Because I care, Oliver! I watch you check that stupid Paris box every single day, telling yourself that she must have sent a forwarding address, and convincing yourself that it just got lost in the mail, and, someday, it'll find its way back to the Dead Letter Office and—

Oliver

So what?!

Shane

So what? So you can stop living in limbo and start living your life!

Oliver

It's my life to live! Why couldn't you mind your own business? Just let... let...

Shane

...Nature take its course? I'm sorry, Oliver. I am truly sorry, but this bird has flown, my friend.

Oliver

This is how friends behave?

Shane

I don't know. I don't know. I don't—I've never had a friend like you before.

Oliver

Yes, well... you may presume too much.

Shane

[after a stunned pause] Maybe so.

Norman Dorman

Uh, barkeep? May I have an Arnold Palmer? Shaken, not stirred?

Oliver O'Toole

Norman, we were growing concerned.

Norman

Ah. Thank you.

Shane McInerney

I see you dressed for the occasion.

Norman

Ah, yes. I often dress... for occasions. Rita? May I buy you an Arnold Palmer?

Rita Haywith

Why, yes, please, with an umbrella, please.

Shane McInerney

Ugh, I've got to do something to keep myself from going crazy. Let's play a game. Okay, I will say something and you say the first thing that comes into your head. Ready?

Oliver O'Toole

No.

Shane

Door.

Oliver

Knob.

Shane

Window.

Oliver

Washer.

Shane

Car.

Oliver

...burator.

Shane

Ha! That's a Norman answer.

Oliver

[chuckles] I know.

Norman Dorman

...And Shane, you will be over here above the stable.

Shane McInerney

I'm sorry, I'm what?

Norman

You're the angel.

Shane

No. No. No! I'm helping Jordan design set. I'm no angel.

Oliver O'Toole

A very provocative thought, Ms. McInerney.

Oliver

I will make my way home, or get a ride with someone, after I clean up. The bear may have to stay a day or two.

Shane

Just make sure he gets home before New Year's. He's a party animal.

Oliver

That was a terrible joke.

Shane

[laughs] I know.

Oliver O'Toole

There is so much I could have done and I didn't. And I don't know why.

Shane McInerney

Because it hurt. And it froze you up. You're like the snowman I saw in the park on my way in this morning. And he's just stuck there, left behind by someone who made him that way. All he can do is wait for the thaw before he can change.

Oliver

But... then he melts.

Oliver

It was a long winter, but spring is almost here.

Shane

It's coming.

Shane McInerney

And tell me again why you moved my desk?

Oliver O'Toole

It was hard to look at every day.

Shane

So, you mean, you missed me.

Oliver

I mean what I say when I say it. Although I don't always say what I mean when I do say it, I mean it. For example, when I once said I hoped our first date wouldn't be our last, that was a true and transparent statement that, if we had ever actually completed a first date, would subsequently have been borne out in action, assuming you were in agreement, which, given your extended absence, you might understand my assumption that your intentions and mine were not in concert.

Shane

If you are suggesting that I didn't miss you—and I might be the only person on Earth who understands what you just said... [she takes out a bunch of letters and holds them up one by one] I wrote this one on the plane, with your pen, and talked about kissing you on the step. And the second one, I wrote, with your pen, after we landed, and told you that I... I wish I'd never left. [she starts crying] And the third one... the third one is about how afraid I am that I can't do what they need me to do. And the fourth one... is about how... I'm afraid I'm gonna die before I can see you again. And the fifth one is about deciding to survive it all so that I can come back to this crazy, stupid place. And now you've moved my desk, and you—

Oliver O'Toole

Don't look at my tie. Look at my eyes. And listen to my heart.

Shane McInerney

[crying] Oh, Oliver.

Oliver

Marry me, and I will love you forever, and I promise I'll never wear this tie again.

Shane

[laughs through her tears] It's pretty awful.

Oliver

Uh, my father picked it out. I probably would have gone with something a little more—

Shane

Yes, Oliver. Yes, I—I will marry you and love you forever.

Oliver

[takes out a ring] This was my grandmother's. She was the finest woman I ever knew... until you.