Saturday Night Live Season 1 quotes

Tune in next week on Bad Playhouse, where we present an awful Japanese version of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. So until then, good night.

The top ten shows for the 1979-1980 television season included some A's, some B's, some C's, and some S's. Did you see any N's? No. Not one N. Why? Because Silverman is a lame-o! And I heard he has a nice limousine service. I like to call it "A Limo for a Lame-o."

Uh oh, they see you. And the warden (Sluggo) says that you are surrounded. So stand up and reach for the sky.

[still trapped in rubble] No wait! I'm stuck! So don't shoot, okay?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They shot me! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Bye bye!

(outside Paul McCartney's den) Well, the pence hitting the window didn't work. My serenading didn't even work, but I know THIS is going to work. Rock. (Throws a rock at the window-the lights turn on). That's an old gossip columnist trick. Miss Roland taught me that one. Works every time. He'll be out-I know it. (Paul comes out) Here he comes and this is it if you can believe it!

Lord and Lady Douchebag!

Douchebag, how are you? I haven't seen you at the House of Lords in ages! Don't tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag?

My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will.

Spoken like a true Douchebag.

Thank you for coming. Good night... and goodbye.

Charles Rocket

Meanwhile, actor Cary Grant today, slapped former Weekend Update anchorman Chevy Chase, with a $10 million defamination suit, for allegally calling him a "homosexual" on NBC-TV's "Tomorrow" show. Grant charges that Chase's remarks were completely and totally false, and added, "He's the homo, not me. And one more crack like that and I'll scratch his eyes out, Mary!"

Charles Rocket

{to Cuban couple} Tourists, are you?

{speaks Cuban and translates} It means, "how do you do?"

Charles Rocket

Okay, well, sounds like you've got a couple of drinks this afternoon, huh?

There's just one thing. You are a virgin, aren't you?

I sure...[hesitates after realizing she isn't] I- [NBC executive walks away] Wait!

Eddie Murphy

How you'd doing? I'm Eddie Murphy. Anybody in the audience ever- (audience cheers enthusiastically) Thank you! Thank you. How many people in the audience have seen black people fight before? (the audience cheers enthusiastically) For those of you who haven't, I'll show you what it's like: (he turns his head and falls into character) "What did you say to me, man? What? Now, wait a second! Now, be cool, man! Me and you gonna talk!" (looks to his side) "Little Dude, did you hear what he said about my momma? The dude said my momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand! Now, my momma ain't got no kickstand on it, man! It's just a regular wooden leg! Don't you exaggeratin' about my momma, man!" (he looks around himself) "He said WHAT?! Your momma got a wooden leg with a KICKSTAND on it?! You crazy man! You should whip his behind, man! Whip it, what, just like that record sing: Whip it! Whip it good! Put your FOOT in his BUTT! Keep it there for a little while!" "Hey, be cool, little dude! I'm gonna say something about his momma! Say, man! (to the little dude) Listen to this here. Say, man! Your momma... got some MOUTH in the back of her NECK! And the bitch chew like this! (He stretches his arms out and swings his head up and down in rhythm) Hear what I say about his momma, little dude?" (laughing as Little Dude) "Momma got a mouth in the back of her neck and chew like!" (imitates motion) "I can't breathe! I can't breathe! Oh! Oh! Whip his butt! Don't be changin' the subject, you gettin' your behind WHIPPED! Believe me!" (does a double take) "Say, man- put that gun away! Whatchoo gonna do with that gun, shoot somebody? Well, then, SHOOT HIM! Go ahead, shoot him! He's messing with you, not me! Shoot him!" "That's right, man! Shoot me, if you gonna shoot somebody!" (He makes a popping noise, then looks down at the little dude) "Nice shot, man!"

Eddie Murphy

Now I know what you're saying, "This kid is young. Will he ever burn out?", I don't think so.

Did your mamma slap you? Then you said it right!

Charles Rocket

Listen here Ronnie baby! If you wanna make some money, why won't you have Nancy shop at Sears?!

Charlie, how do you feel when you got shot?

Charles Rocket

Oh, man. It's the first time i've ever been shot in my life. I'd like to know who the fuck did it.

Okay!