Saturday Night Live quotes

I'm Norm Macdonald, and now the fake news.

Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge rock star in Germany, where his latest album sold five million copies this week, which once again proves my theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.

A study say that pot use in high school is up sharply. [Holds up some money] Don't I know it.

The much talked about film Showgirls opened this week, and here's my review. Basically a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of 1-10, I give it a 10.

And now a new feature on Weekend Update, here's Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. Nancy?

Thank you, Norm.

Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [Norm and Nancy solemnly shake their heads, which they do with every sad story] The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap.

That...that just breaks your heart.

And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Oh...oh, you hate to hear that.

It's the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who's been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for 75 years...

Oh, hey, I love that swan.

Well, wait. He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his own beak.

Oh...that's just senseless.

And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen. The liver was later found in a large Kaiser roll with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing. It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Oh...what a world we live in, Nancy. What a world.

I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.

Well, is that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?

No, no, Norm, there's one more item. I'm a new cast member, I just moved here all the way from Chicago, and this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.

Oh...that's not right.

What are you gonna do?

Well, hey, maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.

You really think so?

[shaking] No, I don't. Nancy Walls, everybody.

Well, it is finally official: murder is legal in the state of California.

[on George Burns's 100th birthday] I don't know the secret to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn't know it either.

Our top story tonight: In an emotional press conference this week, Bob Dole announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate, where he has served for nearly three decades. Dole said he regretted leaving the Senate, but needed to focus all his energies on a goal many had once thought impossible: getting Bill Clinton re-elected.

Tomorrow night on 60 Minutes, Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don't do it, Andy, it's a trap! It's a trap!

While jogging on San Diego this weekend President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, quote: "You're a draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar; you're a disgrace to the office of the Presidency, to your gender, and to this nation," and then added: "I'm still gonna vote for you."

So what’s going on in the news today? Same thing every day: O.J. Black people too happy, white people too mad. I haven’t seen that many mad white people since they cancelled M*A*S*H. Everybody “Hey look at all them black people too happy talkin’ about “Look what we won! We won, we won!” Hey - what we won? I ain’t get nothin’ yet! Every day Nat X look in his mailbox, nothin' in there. Where my O.J. prize? Okay? Everybody talkin’ about its about race, it’s about race. That’s a bunch of crap. It’s about fame. ‘Cause if O.J. wasn’t famous, he’d be in jail right now. That’s right—if O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn’t even be O.J. He’d be Orenthal the bus driving murderer.

Look, don’t come here a kissin’ my behind. The only reason you’re here is ‘cause your daddy paid me, okay? Now I saw your movie of the week.

Oh thanks, did you like it?

Did I like it? Let me put it this way: I’ve seen better actin in a Cambodian whorehouse! Alright? I’ve seen better actin’ in tough actin’ Tinactin.

Yesterday, in a dramatic finish to his White House bid, Bob Dole began a 96-hour, 15-state, non-stop campaign tour that will take him right through Election day. Political experts are calling the grueling marathon a, quote, "last ditch effort," while medical experts are calling it, quote, "a suicide attempt."

In Atlanta this week, two separate bomb blasts rocked a building which houses an abortion clinic. Asked if there were any suspects, an FBI spokesman said, "We don't want to rush to judgment like we did in the Olympic Park bombing case," but then added, "It's Richard Jewell."