Pluribus · Season 1
You ever read, um, Finnegans Wake?
Nope.
I tried to, in grad school. It's probably great, I don't know. All I know is, it made me miserable trying to get through it. I figure, you make even one person happy? Maybe that's not art. It's something.
"Spoiler alert, Raban is back and yummier that ever." Yummier than ever, I think she means. "You better belief he's got my permission to come aboard. I'd walk his plank any time." I'm sensing a nautical motif.
A little bit. You think HoustonMom's off her meds again?
I think HoustonMom would spread her legs for a grilled cheese sandwich.
What the hell is wrong with you people?!
We just wanna help, Carol.
We feel like we're doing all the talking here. Are there any questions you might have for us, Carol? Anything at all?
Uh, uh... Yeah. Yeah, sure. I guess to start with... What the fuck is happening?!
Okay. So if you're not aliens, who am I talking to right now? Who are you?
This particular individual, this is Davis Taffler. Under-Secretary of Agriculture for Farm Production and Conservation. But you are currently talking to every person on Earth, including Davis Taffler. We're all one.
How does that work?!
We don't know, exactly. It just does!
Rest assured, Carol. We will figure out what makes you different.
Figure it out? Why?
So we can fix it! So you can join us.
Oh, God. [she collapses on her couch.]
Carol? You still there?
You said my life was my own.
It is. One-hundred percent.
So what happens when I say no?
Carol. Once you understand how wonderful this is...
Carol, you may find this hard to believe, but yesterday was the greatest day in the history of humanity. Helen thought so, too.
No! Helen is not one of you!
She joined us before she passed. She's gone, but all of her thoughts, her memories, they're right here. Should we tell you how much she loved you?
You bunch of ghouls! You are a goddamn bunch of grave-robbing psychopaths! You are the reason she is dead, and now you're gonna speak for her?! Fuck you! Fuck every single one of you!
Carol, this gathering today -- we have high hopes for it.
Great. But?
But as we say, your lives are your own.
Which means what?
We can't really protect you from one another.
You sit there and you tell us we must do this, we must do that. But you don’t even bother to educate yourself. Why should we listen to anything you say?
Because I’m smart enough to know you don’t ask a drug dealer to describe their heroin.
Okay, here's what's gonna happen: You're gonna forget everything you know about Helen. Every memory, every thought she ever had. Get her out of your head. Heads!
Carol, we apologize if it--
Never mention her again, never think about her again. Only I get to remember her, you got that? Only me!
If you'd like, we'd be happy to restore the rest of the lights--
No! Screw it, leave 'em off. Who gives a shit?
Carol, is there anything we can do to cheer you up?
Cheer me up? Why? I'm fine! I'm so happy! There's nothing wrong with me that a fuckin' hand grenade wouldn't fix. You got one of those? Because I think that would be the perfect topper for the greatest week in human history.
You people make no goddamn sense, do you know that? "We wanna make you happy", you say. "Your life is your own", you say. And agency, I've got all this agency! But, I mean, I guess I have agency just until I don't?
Carol, if you were walking by a lake and you saw somebody drowning, would you throw them a life preserver? Of course you would. You wouldn't think, you wouldn't wait, you wouldn't try to get consensus on it. You'd just throw it.
So now I'm drowning?
You just don't know it.
[Carol has just asked, hypothetically, if "They" would be willing to give her an atom bomb.]
Why would you want one?
To blow shit up, for kicks. I mean, does it matter? You gave me a grenade, for fuck's sake. [A long beat. Carol leans forward.] It'd be okay to say "No" at this point. That would be sane. Not utterly, batshit crazy.
If you truly wanted a nuclear weapon, we would weigh the pros and cons with you. We would explain that it would be very destructive...
"Yes" or "No".
Ultimately... Yes. We wouldn't necessarily feel good about it. But we would move Heaven and Earth to make you happy, Carol. Would you like an atom bomb?
I'm gonna have to get back to you on that.
You're the fucking mayor.
Thank you for your vote.
What did Helen think of my books? Tell me.
Helen loved you very much.
Not what I asked, Larry. Spit it out. What did Helen think of the Wycaro books?
Carol, you expressly told us that Helen is off-limits.
Yeah, but you know what? Special dispensation this one time. What did Helen think of my Wycaro books? Larry?
She thought they were… harmless.
"Harmless"?
"Cotton candy" was the phrase she used in her mind. Mostly.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Pluribus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
