Carol quotes from Pluribus

Carol

And that fuckin'... lady, lady pirate they sent, hmm? Raban. I'm... I'm sorry, I mean Zosia. "It's Zosia. You didn't catch her name because I knew her name. Zosia. You're a fucking idiot." Whatever. How annoying is that chick. Very, very fucking annoying. All smiley. "Hey. Oh, hi. Hey, Carol. We just— We just want to make you happy. Blah blah blah." She's like, "Oh, oh. We're the whole wide world and we're stoked. It's just life is one big, sunshiny walk in the park when you're one of us. Whoo." No way. Nobody sane is that happy. I call bullshit on that. And why she gotta be so goddamn fuckable?

Carol

Now, I realize some of you think the world might be better off this way, with all the newfound peace, love and understanding. Enjoy that opinion! Relish it! Because it may be the last one you ever possess. And when the day comes that you have peace and love forced upon you, who knows, maybe in that last fleeting moment... you might just realize you treasured your individuality. Please. Let's work together, the thirteen of us. 'Cause it's gonna take everything we've got. But these people need saving. We owe it to humanity. Call me any time, day or night. Good luck and godspeed.

Carol

Anybody listening out there? Huh? How about it, you twelve? Any response? Are you even getting these, 'cause how the fuck would I know?

Carol

Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch...

You ever read, um, Finnegans Wake?

Carol

Nope.

I tried to, in grad school. It's probably great, I don't know. All I know is, it made me miserable trying to get through it. I figure, you make even one person happy? Maybe that's not art. It's something.

"Spoiler alert, Raban is back and yummier that ever." Yummier than ever, I think she means. "You better belief he's got my permission to come aboard. I'd walk his plank any time." I'm sensing a nautical motif.

Carol

A little bit. You think HoustonMom's off her meds again?

I think HoustonMom would spread her legs for a grilled cheese sandwich.

Carol

What the hell is wrong with you people?!

We just wanna help, Carol.

We feel like we're doing all the talking here. Are there any questions you might have for us, Carol? Anything at all?

Carol

Uh, uh... Yeah. Yeah, sure. I guess to start with... What the fuck is happening?!

Carol

Okay. So if you're not aliens, who am I talking to right now? Who are you?

This particular individual, this is Davis Taffler. Under-Secretary of Agriculture for Farm Production and Conservation. But you are currently talking to every person on Earth, including Davis Taffler. We're all one.

Carol

How does that work?!

We don't know, exactly. It just does!

Rest assured, Carol. We will figure out what makes you different.

Carol

Figure it out? Why?

So we can fix it! So you can join us.

Carol

Oh, God. [she collapses on her couch.]

Carol? You still there?

Carol

You said my life was my own.

It is. One-hundred percent.

Carol

So what happens when I say no?

Carol. Once you understand how wonderful this is...

Zosia

Carol, you may find this hard to believe, but yesterday was the greatest day in the history of humanity. Helen thought so, too.

Carol

No! Helen is not one of you!

Zosia

She joined us before she passed. She's gone, but all of her thoughts, her memories, they're right here. Should we tell you how much she loved you?

Carol

You bunch of ghouls! You are a goddamn bunch of grave-robbing psychopaths! You are the reason she is dead, and now you're gonna speak for her?! Fuck you! Fuck every single one of you!

Zosia

Carol, this gathering today -- we have high hopes for it.

Carol

Great. But?

Zosia

But as we say, your lives are your own.

Carol

Which means what?

Zosia

We can't really protect you from one another.

You sit there and you tell us we must do this, we must do that. But you don’t even bother to educate yourself. Why should we listen to anything you say?

Carol

Because I’m smart enough to know you don’t ask a drug dealer to describe their heroin.

Carol

Okay, here's what's gonna happen: You're gonna forget everything you know about Helen. Every memory, every thought she ever had. Get her out of your head. Heads!

Zosia

Carol, we apologize if it--

Carol

Never mention her again, never think about her again. Only I get to remember her, you got that? Only me!

Zosia

If you'd like, we'd be happy to restore the rest of the lights--

Carol

No! Screw it, leave 'em off. Who gives a shit?

Zosia

Carol, is there anything we can do to cheer you up?

Carol

Cheer me up? Why? I'm fine! I'm so happy! There's nothing wrong with me that a fuckin' hand grenade wouldn't fix. You got one of those? Because I think that would be the perfect topper for the greatest week in human history.