Penn [repeatedly]: Elvis didn't do no drugs!
S2 E6The Bible: Fact or Fiction?
God works in mysterious, inefficient, and breathtakingly cruel ways.
this statement is a rebuke to the famous assertion by William Cowper: "God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform He plants his footsteps in the sea, And rides upon the storm."
Take some time and put the Bible on your summer reading list. Try and stick with it cover to cover. Not because it teaches history; we've shown you it doesn't. Read it because you'll see for yourself what the Bible is all about. It sure isn't great literature. If it were published as fiction, no reviewer would give it a passing grade. There are some vivid scenes and some quotable phrases, but there's no plot, no structure, there's a tremendous amount of filler, and the characters are painfully one-dimensional. Whatever you do, don't read the Bible for a moral code: it advocates prejudice, cruelty, superstition, and murder. Read it because: we need more atheists — and nothin' will get you there faster than readin' the damn Bible.
S2 E7New Age
Sedona, Arizona. Home of beautiful red rock ass canyons, scenic desert landscapes... and every crystal-sucking, vortex-fucking asshole out to make a few bucks off of New Age hippie bullshit!
[After Sasha Lessin "explained" the tantric sex.]
See, even he doesn't believe it, he can't explain it, he just likes to FUCK!.
S2 E10Profanity
[Penn and Teller return after a segment on anti-profanity advocate Ginny Foster, who suggests saying "Santa vaca!" instead.]
"Saint cow." So, she is literally saying, "Holy cow!," in Spanish. But "holy cow" is a derogatory reference to the Hindu belief in the sacredness of cows. Ginny certainly doesn't believe in the holiness of cows, so taking that Lord's name in vain is perfectly acceptable. She doesn't buy the holy-cow myth. Therefore, if you didn't actually believe that Jesus is God—and most of the world doesn't—if you were, for example, a Hindu, shouting—
[Teller drops a bowling ball on Penn's foot.]
… JESUS CHRIST'S! … name… in a situation where you… or someone you know, somehow, accidentally… dropped a bowling ball on your FOOT… would be, by Ginny's standards… perfectly polite. [Penn looks like he wants to smack Teller.]
S2 E13Hypnosis
[Opening lines. Teller swings a clock on a string in front of Penn's face.]
TTeller (off-screen)
Your eyes are so heavy now, so heavy, they burn! Close them! Close them and feel yourself sinking down... down! [Teller puts the clock in his pocket and lays a cinder block on Penn's body] Feel your body tingling, and becoming absolutely rigid, rigid as a heavy wooden beam! [Teller then grabs a sledgehammer] And now, the tingling resumes, and you are feeling no... pain—
[As Teller is about to smash the cinderblock, Penn interrupts.]
Hold the phone! Before we do this, let's make sure hypnotism isn't bullshit.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Penn & Teller: Bullshit! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.