[first lines]
Alright, everybody, it's court o'clock, and you made it during Abby Hour. All decisions half-price.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
A mini-horse. Nay, a seeing-eye mini-horse. And according to New York vs. Pongo, mini-horses are allowed on public transit.
Obviously, I gotta get a look at this guy.
[A horse is in the courtroom.]
Upstate, I used to guess horse sizes at the county fair. And that one is a "big".
Your Honor, um, I call for a mistrial. I've just learned that the defendant and Ms. Moore have an existing relationship. They share a daily commute, the 5:42 downtown 6 train at Hunter College Station.
Slow down. I think we just blew right past the big news here.
Well, you're not helping. You know what? We just plead guilty. How do you put up with her?
And it's attempted murder because?
They're vampires.
I'm going to be honest. I don't care about garlic or virgins. But I am very excited to hear that the Barenaked Ladies are back together. At the end of the day, you 2 found someone who accepts you for who you are. That's special and worth fighting for. And since this is your first offense, the state is willing to drop the charges if you agree to couples counseling. Before you say "no", remember, you're only one "yes" away from the rest of your life.
Oh, Dan, good. I need your opinion on something. I've been listening to my voice, and is this really what I sound like?
AAnnouncer
(high-pitched voice) 4 score and 7 years ago, our forefathers brought forth on this continent...
No, no. Listen to me. You can't do the interview. As a matter of fact, you have to bar that podcast crew from the courthouse.
Why would I do that?
When I was listing my many accomplishments, I may have implicated myself in just a smidge of malfeasance. I started talking about cocaine a lot. Now Remecca's out to take me down.
Well, um, look, I didn't want to have to do this, but I've run out of options. I need you to use your judicial powers to declare a piece of furniture my emotional support bench.
Do I look like a local radio DJ to you? 'Cause I don't take requests! Very sorry. I'm just coming down from beast mode.
This is why the only marathon I've done is 50 back-to-back episodes of Monk on the USA Network.
The marathon isn't to blame for this, I am. I became a version of myself I didn't like very much, and I'm not even talking about the version that gave me a herniated disc. I didn't like the one that felt that she needed Rand's advice to make friends. I think since I moved down here, I've been able to do things my way, and I liked it.
If you know the kind of person that you want to be, you're miles ahead of most of the people on this planet. Yeah, sure, it might be difficult adjusting to the fact that, since you moved, things are changing. Probably difficult for Rand, too. Gotta figure out how he fits into your new life.
He definitely doesn't fit into the jeans he got in the Meatpacking District.
Change is part of life. You either accept it, or one day a guy tries to take your bench away, and you briefly consider dressing it up like a very tall, weird-looking man and sneaking it past a near-sighted maintenance worker.
Is that a metaphor?
I wish it were.
I mean, it's insane. He just lights up when you're around.
RRand
Hey, I'm really sorry I made you do beast mode. I just should've stayed out of it.
You were just trying to help. If Olivia doesn't want to be friends with me that does belly balloons, then I can live with that. Looks like I'm gonna be handing out water with you at the marathon.
RRand
Hey, Neil signed up, too. He's doing it to impress some girl he has a crush on. She has a boyfriend, but apparently he's, like, super tall and really annoying. But, uh, you know, Olivia will be happy to see us.
Wait. She told you she's still running?
RRand
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Then I'm running too.
RRand
You're in a lot of pain right now, aren't you?
Tremendous amount.
In case you were worried, the Finkboners were married by a stripper/priest. It was beautiful.
I can't get everything I want.
Because your father isn't here.
I think that the real reason I haven't wanted to jump back into wedding planning. He was just so involved in all of it. He was gonna do magic. This thing where my finger would keep falling off right before Rand put a ring on it. It was gonna be epic.
Well, you know, big moments make us really miss those who are gone. It's inevitable. But you have to live your life. And it's time you start a life with "Again, Rand? Rand!". I mean, it's almost like a name, but not quite.
Isn't your real name Reinhold?
Uh-huh. Okay. So you know stuff.
What is this?
Well, Harry and I, all of us, really, we spent so much time downstairs in that courthouse that we would come up here for breaks, fresh air, and talk down the occasional jumper. I thought it might be a-a way to make you feel like your father was part of your wedding. I mean, plus, you can't beat the beautiful view that way. Don't look that way. Those people need to invest in some curtains.
It's perfect. Rand is gonna love it. I mean, he is terrified of heights, but it's time we work on that anyway. I'm not giving up roller coasters for anyone.
Okay, my presentation materials are running a little bit late, but I think we should just dive in. My first slide was a word cloud which I will now describe from memory.
Dan, what are you doing? I told you I got this.
Yes, I know. No, I'm just helping. Look, these guys are trickier than the cow tippers and Jet-Ski hooligans you dealt with upstate.
We have some tough customers back home. Biff Cratchit, Wink Honeycrisp, Colonel Ciderman.
Okay, fine, fine, fine, I don't need a rundown of the corn crime all-stars. I've known this guy for 30 years and you're not going to get any traction with him until you figure out what it is he wants from you.
Alright, what the hell's going on?! I haven't seen you this worked up since they pulled the Shamrock Shake early.
It should be all of March. You just have to trust me. Investing in Brock's app is a bad idea. I can't say anything else about it.
Well, luckily you don't have to, because I'm a master at reading people, and you're a master at having absolutely no poker face.
I have a poker face. I just haven't showed it to you yet.
Alright, then. Have a seat. Now, I am going to ask you a series of questions. All you need to do is respond "no". Do you understand?
Hey, you know what? It's worth the risk for me. You don't get a whole lot of billion-dollar ideas coming through here, you know.
But you're not just risking your own money. You're risking everyone else's. You're being selfish.
Oh, am I? Or maybe I'm being selfless, thinking that Brock may have changed, that he deserves a second chance, and all the other nonsense that you talk about.
You don't believe the nonsense I talk about.
No. No, I don't. But I do believe that one day, I could be so rich that I will never die.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Night Court (2023) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.