Dan Fielding quotes from Night Court (2023)

Dan Fielding

No, no. Listen to me. You can't do the interview. As a matter of fact, you have to bar that podcast crew from the courthouse.

Abby

Why would I do that?

Dan Fielding

When I was listing my many accomplishments, I may have implicated myself in just a smidge of malfeasance. I started talking about cocaine a lot. Now Remecca's out to take me down.

Dan Fielding

Well, um, look, I didn't want to have to do this, but I've run out of options. I need you to use your judicial powers to declare a piece of furniture my emotional support bench.

Abby

Do I look like a local radio DJ to you? 'Cause I don't take requests! Very sorry. I'm just coming down from beast mode.

Dan Fielding

This is why the only marathon I've done is 50 back-to-back episodes of Monk on the USA Network.

Abby

The marathon isn't to blame for this, I am. I became a version of myself I didn't like very much, and I'm not even talking about the version that gave me a herniated disc. I didn't like the one that felt that she needed Rand's advice to make friends. I think since I moved down here, I've been able to do things my way, and I liked it.

Dan Fielding

If you know the kind of person that you want to be, you're miles ahead of most of the people on this planet. Yeah, sure, it might be difficult adjusting to the fact that, since you moved, things are changing. Probably difficult for Rand, too. Gotta figure out how he fits into your new life.

Abby

He definitely doesn't fit into the jeans he got in the Meatpacking District.

Dan Fielding

Change is part of life. You either accept it, or one day a guy tries to take your bench away, and you briefly consider dressing it up like a very tall, weird-looking man and sneaking it past a near-sighted maintenance worker.

Abby

Is that a metaphor?

Dan Fielding

I wish it were.

Dan Fielding

In case you were worried, the Finkboners were married by a stripper/priest. It was beautiful.

Abby

I can't get everything I want.

Dan Fielding

Because your father isn't here.

Abby

I think that the real reason I haven't wanted to jump back into wedding planning. He was just so involved in all of it. He was gonna do magic. This thing where my finger would keep falling off right before Rand put a ring on it. It was gonna be epic.

Dan Fielding

Well, you know, big moments make us really miss those who are gone. It's inevitable. But you have to live your life. And it's time you start a life with "Again, Rand? Rand!". I mean, it's almost like a name, but not quite.

Abby

Isn't your real name Reinhold?

Dan Fielding

Uh-huh. Okay. So you know stuff.

Abby

What is this?

Dan Fielding

Well, Harry and I, all of us, really, we spent so much time downstairs in that courthouse that we would come up here for breaks, fresh air, and talk down the occasional jumper. I thought it might be a-a way to make you feel like your father was part of your wedding. I mean, plus, you can't beat the beautiful view that way. Don't look that way. Those people need to invest in some curtains.

Abby

It's perfect. Rand is gonna love it. I mean, he is terrified of heights, but it's time we work on that anyway. I'm not giving up roller coasters for anyone.

Abby

Dan, what are you doing? I told you I got this.

Dan Fielding

Yes, I know. No, I'm just helping. Look, these guys are trickier than the cow tippers and Jet-Ski hooligans you dealt with upstate.

Abby

We have some tough customers back home. Biff Cratchit, Wink Honeycrisp, Colonel Ciderman.

Dan Fielding

Okay, fine, fine, fine, I don't need a rundown of the corn crime all-stars. I've known this guy for 30 years and you're not going to get any traction with him until you figure out what it is he wants from you.

Dan Fielding

Alright, what the hell's going on?! I haven't seen you this worked up since they pulled the Shamrock Shake early.

Abby

It should be all of March. You just have to trust me. Investing in Brock's app is a bad idea. I can't say anything else about it.

Dan Fielding

Well, luckily you don't have to, because I'm a master at reading people, and you're a master at having absolutely no poker face.

Abby

I have a poker face. I just haven't showed it to you yet.

Dan Fielding

Alright, then. Have a seat. Now, I am going to ask you a series of questions. All you need to do is respond "no". Do you understand?

Dan Fielding

Hey, you know what? It's worth the risk for me. You don't get a whole lot of billion-dollar ideas coming through here, you know.

Abby

But you're not just risking your own money. You're risking everyone else's. You're being selfish.

Dan Fielding

Oh, am I? Or maybe I'm being selfless, thinking that Brock may have changed, that he deserves a second chance, and all the other nonsense that you talk about.

Abby

You don't believe the nonsense I talk about.

Dan Fielding

No. No, I don't. But I do believe that one day, I could be so rich that I will never die.

Abby

A judgeship. It's an incredible opportunity.

Dan Fielding

Yeah, being a judge is kind of a dream I had given up on. Think about it. I've been judging people my entire life for free. Now I'm gonna get a paycheck for it.

Abby

I can't blame you for following your dream. It would inspire me to follow my dream, but my dream's impossible. I want to be a twin.

Dan Fielding

Truth is, I was a bit adrift before you came and dragged me out of retirement, forced me to take this job. So, thank you.

Dan Fielding

Okay, uh, you will not agree with everything I am going to say up there, but just know that I'm doing what is best for my client.

Abby

I trust you. It's why I brought you back here. You're the best lawyer I know, the best lawyer my dad knew.

Dan Fielding

Oh, you think Santa and the elves are friends?

Abby

Santa, we have a special guest. We wouldn't want to spoil anything for her on the most magical night of the year.

I worked in the court long enough to know. It's illegal to destroy evidence.

Dan Fielding

It's good to see you, Roz.

You too, Fielding.

Wyatt

Dan, your clients in the next case wanted to talk to you.

Mr. Fielding, we meet again.

Dan

[he’s heard a voice he really didn’t wanna hear] If I don’t turn around, are they really there? [he turns around and grunts in annoyance] Bob and June Wheeler.

Wyatt

What the hell? It’s not even raining.

Wyatt Shaw

This is nice. Just the boys.

Dan Fielding

And you ruined it.