My Wife and Kids quotes

(referring to Ken's new girlfriend, Tiara) "I hope this one doesn't think Apartheid is a laundry detergent."

(to Michael) "Until you get this mouse out of the house, you ain't getting any panties from this fanny!"

(to Michael, after hearing Tony singing) "I can't ignore him. He sounds like a cat in heat."

"The boy (Junior) has a lawnchair for a front (car) seat."

(to Junior, about his car) "She may have character, but she doesn't have a front seat."

"Why do they call it a 'coffin' when you can't cough?"

"Shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake, shake! Shake your milkshake!"

"I may have put the '-oron' in 'moron', but I didn't put the '-upid' in 'dumb'!"

"And he [Christopher Columbus] thought the world was round. What an idiot!"

"You know I can't work a VCR."

"How am I supposed to believe that my pie got up and ate itself?"

"This [pie] is all you're going to eat until I find out who did it [ate his pie]."

"Did you see the way those women looked at me? I felt like a hamburger in Somalia."

"Boy, you've got your butt in my ear!"

"Kissing can lead to touching, and touching can lead to grandchildren."