My Name Is Earl quotes

77 total quotes

Joy: Dammit, more cops? Y'all don't quit picking on me, I swear I'm gonna go Ruby Ridge... Earl! What the hell are you doing?
Earl: You said you wanted a date night, didn't ya? Well, your chariot awaits.
Joy: You stole me a police car?
Earl: Yep. There's a hostage in the back too. If you say something scary, he'll show you pictures of his kids. They're cute.
Joy: I love you so much, baby. I am gonna *beep* your *beep* *beep* with my sweet sweet sweet love *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*.
Earl: Shhhh... you had me at balls.

Joy: Hey, crank up the radio! Find me some Wu-Tang Clan.
Earl: Since when do you like rap music?
Joy: I'm not cheating on you!

Joy: I have never been 0 for 2 in one night. 2 for 3, but never 0 for 2... Randy, do you know where babies come from?
Randy: Yeah. From the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt.

Joy: I swear, sometimes it's like I married Jesus's nicer brother.

Joy: Patty, you really got to stop biting your nails.
Patty: Don't tell me. Tell the mayor. [whispering] He's a nibbler.
Season 2

Joy: She can't knock my teeth out! I'm going to be the first person in my family to get to 30 with all her originals.

Joy: What the hell are you doing?
Darnell: Throwing you a surprise party.
Joy: My birthday's not till next week!
Darnell: That's the surprise.

Joy: You don't want to injure your toilet-scrubbing hand.
Catalina: Quiero agradecer a todo el publico Latino que nos acompaña cada semana. Y para los que no son Latinos, les felicito por aprender otro idioma. [I want to thank all the Latino audience that joins us every week. And for those that are not Latino, congratulations to them for learning another language.]
Joy: Sorry sweetheart, I don't speak "maid".

Judge Dierkes: Joy Turner.
Joy: [stands up] Yes, your highness?

Little Chubby: Maybe if someone had kicked my dad in the nuts years ago, he wouldn't have been such a mean guy and my mom wouldn't have hit the highway.
Earl: Wow, that must've been tough, seeing your mom leave.
Little Chubby: Oh, she didn't leave. My dad threw her out of a moving car. Still, it was tough to watch.

Mr. Patrick: Are you and e. coli buddies?
Earl: Is that the little Chinese guy in the back who washes the dishes?

Philo: [After Earl tries to persuade Catalina to make out with him to cheer him up] No, it's OK, there's already a girl I'm in love with. She's hot.
Catalina: I'm hot.
Philo: You're OK, but compared to her you're like those things in Lord of the Rings that grow out of the ground covered in slime and attack the castle.
Randy: Ewoks, those are called Ewoks.

Pierre: [to Earl, who called his bag a purse] You son of a bitch, it's a satchel.

Prosecutor: Your Honor, the defendant solicited sex from a uniformed officer in the middle of the day.
Patty: That's a lie!
Prosecutor: Show the tape.
[patrol car dash cam begins to play]
Patty: [on the dash cam] Hey, I know you're a uniformed officer and it's the middle of the day, but would you like to have sex with me for money?
Defense Attorney: Uh, your Honor, I'd like to resign as this woman's counsel.

Randy: [on discovering a laptop] Hey look, a porn machine!