Randy: [singing] We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop...
Darnell: Randy, those aren't helium balloons.

Randy: Earl, it's almost two. Can we watch Win, Lose, Or Draw?

Randy: He threw my favorite food at me, Earl. What was I supposed to do?
Earl: Randy, baloney isn't your favorite food, animal crackers are.
Randy: No, they're my favorite food shaped like an animal. Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?

Randy: I can't touch books. You know how afraid I am of paper cuts! They might as well make books out of knives!

Randy: If he's dead and you give that money to his stoned horny mom, I'm going to kill you!

Randy: If I can steer that toy car around the room, then we'll be ok to drive.
Earl: Randy, that's the cat.

Randy: If I check McNuggeted do you think they'll let me have two different dipping sauces? I like hot mustard for the first bite but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite. You know, it's like having a small meal followed by a tiny dessert every ten to fifteen seconds.

Randy: It's like one of them crazy-assed Australian wooden Frisbees.

Randy: Maybe we could get Stuart to be a hero by throwing him into that tank at the aquarium and make him wrestle an octopus.
Earl: That wouldn't make him a hero, Randy, unless the Octopus was committing a crime... We're not gonna start thinking of ways to get an octopus to commit a crime 'cuz that just has failure written all over it.

Randy: Maybe you should listen to Catalina. She's a woman, just like Natalie. They're both women; her and Natalie. You and I are men. We're not women.
Earl: [narrating] Sometimes Randy takes a long road to a simple thought.
Randy: You see, men think different than women. You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina 'cause we're men and they're women. I'm right, right, I'm not wrong. Am I wrong?

Randy: Nerf sidewalks.
Darnell: That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Randy: So, Catalina, what are you doing for your mother on Mother's Day?
Catalina: My mother is dead.
Randy: Oh, I'm sorry.
Catalina: Eh, it's okay. It was either her or me.

Randy: Thank God you woke me. I was having an eight hour dream about a ball of yarn. It was so boring, I tried to go to sleep, but I already was.

Randy: Yeah, I'm glad she's not dead any more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, because we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being dead...

Randy: You know, feliz nobby blah.
Catalina: That means nothing.
Randy: To you, maybe, but in American, that means "Christmas" in Mexican.