Monty Python's Flying Circus quotes

Ron, now let's just get this quite clear - you're intending to jump across the English Channel?

Oh yes, that is correct, yes.

And, er, just how far is that?

Oh, well it's 26 miles from here to Calais.

And that's to the beach of Calais?

Well, no, no, provided I get a good lift off and maybe a gust of breeze over the French coast, I shall be jumping into the centre of Calais itself. [Shows brief clip of some Frenchmen in Calais standing under a sign that says "Fin de Cross Channel Jump"]

Ron are you using any special techniques to jump this great distance?

Oh no, no. I shall be using an ordinary two-footed jump, er, straight up in the air and across the Channel.

I see. Er, Ron, what is the furthest distance that you've jumped, er, so far?

Er, oh, eleven foot six inches at Motspur Park on July 22nd. Er, but I have done nearly twelve feet unofficially.

Mr. Vercotti, what is your chief task as Ron's manager?

Well my main task is, er, to fix a sponsor for the big jump.

And who is the sponsor?

The Chippenham Brick Company. Ah, they, er, pay all the bills, er, in return for which Ron will be carrying half a hundredweight of their bricks. [Ron is having his passport checked by a customs officer]

I see. Well, er, it looks as if Ron is ready now. He's got the bricks. He's had his passport checked and he's all set to go. And he's off on the first ever cross-Channel jump. [Ron runs down the beach and jumps. He lands about four feet into the water] Will Ron be trying the cross Channel jump again soon?

No. No. I'm taking him off the jumps, Er, because I've got something lined up for Ron next week that I think is very much more up his street.

And what is that?

Uh, Ron is going to eat Chichester Cathedral.

Well, there he goes, Ron Obvious of Neepsend, in an attempt which could make him the first man ever to eat an entire Anglican Cathedral. [Ron finishes brushing his teeth, puts on a bib, and flexes his jaws before biting into the corner of a buttress and breaking his jaw]

Mr. Vercotti, what do you say to people who accuse you of exploiting Ron for your own purposes?

Well, it's totally untrue, David. Ever since I left Sicily I've been trying to do the best for Ron. I know what Ron wants to do, I believe in him and l'm just trying to create the opportunities for Ron to do the kind of things he wants to do.

And what's he going to do today?

He's going to split a railway carriage with his nose.

The only difficult bit for Ron is getting out of the Earth's atmosphere, but once he's in orbit he'll be able to run straight to Mercury. [Wrapped from head to toe in bandages from his previous exploits, Ron hobbles onto the ramp, and as he goes off the edge of the ramp, the scene freeze-frames in mid-jump and another scream is heard.]

This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody... no, I must ask everybody to... I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask the room to leave. I... I... ask the room shall by someone be left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in it. Phew. Understand?

You don't want anybody to leave the room.

[clicking fingers to indicate Colonel Pickering has hit the nail on the head] Now, alduce me to introlow myslef. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow myslef. Introme-to-lose mlow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment. [bangs himself on the side of the head] Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger.

Tiger?

[whirling around] WHERE? WHERE?

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Chief Constable There'samanbehindyou.

There's a man behind you?

No, you're not going to fool me with that one.

Pleased to meet you, squire. I also am not of Minehead but I in Peterborough Lincolnshire's house was given birth to. But am staying in Peterborough Lincolnshire house all time during vor, due to nasty running sores , and vos unable to go in the streets and play football or go to Nuremburg. ah. Am retired vindow cleaner and pacifist, who's not doing war crimes. Oh... and am glad England vin Vorld Cup. Bobby Charlton. Martin Peters. And eating lots of chips and fish and hole in the toads and Dundee cakes on Piccadilly Line, don't you know old chap, And I vos head of Gestapo for 10 years. [Mr. Hilter elbows him in the ribs] Five years! [Hilter elbows him again, harder] No! No! Nein! Vos not head of Gestapo at ALL! I make joke!

This man, he doesn't know when he's beaten! He doesn't know when he's winning, either. He has no… sort of… sensory apparatus…

This is a vegetarian restaurant -- we serve no meat of any kind. We're not only proud of that, we're smug about it.

Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong.

Once I was married to a woman who was beautiful and young, and gay and free. Whatever happened to her?

You divorced her and married me.

Kipling Road was a typical sort of East End street, people were in and out of each other's houses with each other's property all day. They were a cheery lot.

Was it a terribly violent area?

Oh ho, yes. Cheerful and violent. I remember Doug was very keen on boxing, until he learned to walk, then he took up putting the boot in the groin. Oh, he was very interested in that. His mother had such trouble getting him to come in for his tea. He'd be out there putting his little boot in, you know, bless him. You know kids were very different then. They didn't have their heads filled with all this Cartesian dualism.

Was there anything unusual about Dinsdale?

Certainly not! He was perfectly normal in every way! Except inasmuch as he thought he was being followed by a giant hedgehog named Spiny Norman.

How big was Norman supposed to be?

Normally he was wont to be about twelve feet from nose to tail, but when Dinsdale was very depressed Norman could be anything up to eight hundred yards long. When Norman was about, Dinsdale would go very quiet and his nose would swell up and his teeth would start moving about and he'd become very violent and claim that he'd laid Stanley Baldwin. Dinsdale was a gentleman. And what's more he knew how to treat a female impersonator.

Dinsdale?

From these glens and scars, the sound of the coot and the moorhen is seldom absent. Nature sits in stern mastery over these rocks and crags. The rush of the mountain stream, the bleat of the sheep, and the broad, clear Highland skies, reflected in turn and loch, form the breathtaking backdrop against which Ewan McTeagle writes such poems as "Lend us a quid till the end of the week".

Since then, McTeagle has developed and widened his literary scope. Three years ago he concerned himself with quite small sums: quick bits of ready cash, sixpences, shillings. But more recently he has turned his extraordinary literary perception to much larger sums: fifteen shillings, four pounds twelve and six, even nine guineas. But there is still nothing to match the huge sweep, the majestic power, of what is surely his greatest work: "Can I have fifty pounds to mend the shed'.