Monty Python's Flying Circus quotes

Eh? know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge! Know what I mean? Say no more! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, say no more, say no more!

Look, are you insinuating something?

Oh, no no no no... yes.

Well?

Well, you're a man of the world, squire... you've been there, you've been around.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, you've done it... you've slept... with a lady.

Yes.

What's it like?

Oh look... is it a stockbroker?

Is it a quantity Surveyor?

Is it a church warden?

NO! It's Bicycle Repair Man!

No. 1: The Larch. The Larch. The Larch.

The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the raspberry-laden foe but also the raspberries.

Watkins, why did you join the army?

For the water-skiing and the travel, sir. Not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir: "no killing".

Watkins, are you a pacifist?

No, sir. I'm not a pacifist, sir: I'm a coward.

[disgusted] That's a very silly line. Sit down!

[to a student] So, we want to learn about pointed sticks, do we? Feeling all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough, eh? Oh, oh, oh. Well, let me tell you something, my lad! When you're walking home tonight, and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!

Burglar! [rings again] Burglar!

Yes?

Burglar, madam.

What do you want?

I want to come in and steal a few things, madam.

Are you an encyclopaedia salesman?

No madam, I'm a burglar, I burgle people.

I think you're an encyclopaedia salesman.

Oh I'm not, open the door, let me in please.

If I let you in you'll sell me encyclopaedias.

I won't, madam. I just want to come in and ransack the flat. Honestly.

Promise? No encyclopaedias?

None at all.

All right. [she opens door] You'd better come in then.

Mind you, I don't know whether you've really considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopaedias... You know, they can really do you wonders.

I must warn you, sir, that outside I have police dog Josephine, who is not only armed and trained to sniff out certain substances but is also a junkie.

Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties ...I'm sorry ... Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats, why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-Von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwurstle-gerspurten-mit-zwei-macheluber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shoenendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

Now, this item, "Crunchy Frog". Am I to understand there's a real frog in here?

Yes, a little one.

What sort of frog?

A dead frog.

Is it cooked?

No.

What, a raw frog?!

We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.

That's as may be -- it's still a frog! Do you even take the bones out?

If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?

A blancmange, eh?

That's right. I was just playing a game of doubles with Sandra, Jocasta, Alec and David, when...

Hold on. That's five. Five people! How'd you play doubles with five people? Sounds a bit funny if you ask me, playing doubles with five people!

Well, we often play like that. Jocasta plays on the side, receiving service. It helps to speed the game up and make it a lot faster, and Jocasta isn't left out.

Look, are you asking me to believe that the five of you was playing doubles, while on the very next court there was a blancmange playing by itself?

That's right.

Well, answer me this, then: Why didn't Jocasta play the blancmange at singles, while you and Sandra and Alec and David played a proper game of doubles with four people?

Because Jocasta always plays with us! She's a friend of ours!

Call that friendship? Messing up a perfectly good game of doubles?

It's not messing it up, officer! We like to play with five!

Look, it's your affair if you want to play with five people, but don't go calling it doubles! At Wimbledon, if Fred Stolle and Tony Roche played Charlie Passarell and Cliff Drysdale and Peaches Bartkowicz, they woudn't go calling it doubles!

Well, what about the blancmange?

That could play Ann Haydon-Jones and her husband, Pip!

I think what's happened is terribly, terribly funny... er, tragic!

It's not pining, it's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies! It's metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off the mortal coil, rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot!

You!

Ah, well, I... I think it's an excellent idea!

Are you a yes man?

No! I mean, I have a few things against it!

So you think it's lousy!

No, no! I mean, it takes time!

ARE YOU BEING INDECISIVE?

Yo! Nes! Perhaps! [runs out the door]

Watkins, why did you join the army?

For the water-skiing and the travel, sir. Not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir: "no killing".

Watkins, are you a pacifist?

No, sir. I'm not a pacifist, sir: I'm a coward.

[disgusted] That's a very silly line. Sit down!

Now, I've noticed a tendency for this program to get rather silly. Now I do my best to keep things moving along, but I'm not having things getting silly. Those last two sketches I did got very silly indeed; And the last ones about the beds was even sillier! Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do...except perhaps my wife...and some of her friends. Oh yes, and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point.