“Untitled” quotes from Monty Python's Flying Circus

I've been a chartered accountant for 20 years. I want a new job. Something exciting that will let me live!

Well, chartered accoutancy is a rather exciting job, isn't it?

Exciting?! No, it's not! It's dull! Dull, dull, my God it's dull! It's so dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and desperately dull!

Well, er, yes Mr. Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy, they're a positive boon.

Ron, now let's just get this quite clear - you're intending to jump across the English Channel?

Oh yes, that is correct, yes.

And, er, just how far is that?

Oh, well it's 26 miles from here to Calais.

And that's to the beach of Calais?

Well, no, no, provided I get a good lift off and maybe a gust of breeze over the French coast, I shall be jumping into the centre of Calais itself. [Shows brief clip of some Frenchmen in Calais standing under a sign that says "Fin de Cross Channel Jump"]

Ron are you using any special techniques to jump this great distance?

Oh no, no. I shall be using an ordinary two-footed jump, er, straight up in the air and across the Channel.

I see. Er, Ron, what is the furthest distance that you've jumped, er, so far?

Er, oh, eleven foot six inches at Motspur Park on July 22nd. Er, but I have done nearly twelve feet unofficially.

Mr. Vercotti, what is your chief task as Ron's manager?

Well my main task is, er, to fix a sponsor for the big jump.

And who is the sponsor?

The Chippenham Brick Company. Ah, they, er, pay all the bills, er, in return for which Ron will be carrying half a hundredweight of their bricks. [Ron is having his passport checked by a customs officer]

I see. Well, er, it looks as if Ron is ready now. He's got the bricks. He's had his passport checked and he's all set to go. And he's off on the first ever cross-Channel jump. [Ron runs down the beach and jumps. He lands about four feet into the water] Will Ron be trying the cross Channel jump again soon?

No. No. I'm taking him off the jumps, Er, because I've got something lined up for Ron next week that I think is very much more up his street.

And what is that?

Uh, Ron is going to eat Chichester Cathedral.

Well, there he goes, Ron Obvious of Neepsend, in an attempt which could make him the first man ever to eat an entire Anglican Cathedral. [Ron finishes brushing his teeth, puts on a bib, and flexes his jaws before biting into the corner of a buttress and breaking his jaw]

Mr. Vercotti, what do you say to people who accuse you of exploiting Ron for your own purposes?

Well, it's totally untrue, David. Ever since I left Sicily I've been trying to do the best for Ron. I know what Ron wants to do, I believe in him and l'm just trying to create the opportunities for Ron to do the kind of things he wants to do.

And what's he going to do today?

He's going to split a railway carriage with his nose.

The only difficult bit for Ron is getting out of the Earth's atmosphere, but once he's in orbit he'll be able to run straight to Mercury. [Wrapped from head to toe in bandages from his previous exploits, Ron hobbles onto the ramp, and as he goes off the edge of the ramp, the scene freeze-frames in mid-jump and another scream is heard.]