Law & Order: Special Victims Unit quotes

I don't have the stomach for it anymore. 25 years looking for this piece of garbage, and he gets a gym membership and cable while his victims rot in the ground or bleed out a bathroom floor.

Benson

So she brings home a date, opens something from the company cellar, and he attacks her.

Stabler

So much for romance.

Fin

I screwed up my shoulder busting in your back door - don't make me break my fist on your face.

Benson

You sure this guy's out here? The only thing I've seen in the last half hour is a five pound rat.

Stabler

Yeah, you've got it bad? I just saw a transvestite that looks like Munch.

Lot of charges here, Miss Hardwicke. I hope you aren't trying to substitute quantity for quality.

Your honor, the defendants are serial con artists who've defrauded countless victims.

Then why isn't the gallery overflowing with 'em?

[turns to Jerry in the gallery] One is seated right there. Jerry Bullard.

You mean the man who's willingly paying for my client's defense.

That's irrelevant.

Mr. Shankman, wanna pipe in here on behalf of your client?

Yes. Yes. My client would like to plead not guilty, your honor.

As does mine.

And the People request remand for both defendants, who have displayed quite a talent for trickery, coercion, and threats. Both use aliases, both lack community ties, and both are an extreme flight risk.

Your honor, I don't know about this other suspect, but my client has no history of violence and has never been charged with a crime.

Uh, me, neither. I've never even been fingerprinted.

Sir, if you have something to say, you need to say it through counsel.

[about his attorney] But he's not sayin' anything.

Your honor, in addition to the charges before you, the defendants are also suspects in an out-of-state murder. It would be irresponsible to allow them to go...

Are you asking for an extradition hold?

Well, no. Special Victims collected the defendants' DNA and sent it to Miami PD. But we're still awaiting confirmation.

Then you're tap-dancing while I should be at lunch. Bail will be set for each defendant at $250,000. Both will surrender their passports. [bangs gavel]

Doug is my twin. Do you even know that means? We share a soul. Ever since we came to be in our mother's womb, we've been together. We always will be.

Benson

It's still incest.

Stabler

Twin-cest.

I was at work. Ask any of my students.

Benson

Students? You were caught feeling up a 10-year-old.

But I wasn't convicted.

Benson

Still, I'm pretty shocked that Hudson University didn't fire you.

They can't. I have tenure.

Stabler

Welcome to the perv parade that leads to nowhere.

I let my whole family be destroyed. How can I forgive myself?

You can start by letting me help you try.

Fin

Hardwicke's in Miami at a Bar conference. Any idea who's our temporary ADA?

Novak

How 'bout one back from the dead?

Stabler

Casey Novak!

Novak

Alive, and fairly well.

Novak

I know that reliving the rape is painful...

You don't know the meaning of the word! Have you ever been looked upon as something less than human? Denied service? Spit on? Beaten? Raped repeatedly?

Why do you have such a hard-on for me?

Stabler

'Cause you can't keep yours out of unsuspecting women.

C'mon, admit it, detective. You know you want to bang your partner. Watch her grow swollen with your child. And why not, man? She'd give you beautiful babies.

Do you need a remedial English course, Elliot? How do I make you understand the words "Stay away from Hunter Mazelon"?

Stabler

Look, I thought he was stalking a new victim.

Well, that might have helped your case if you hadn't been so ass-reamingly wrong.

Hunter

Hey, speaking of family, do you have a sister who teaches here?

Munch

No, why?

Hunter

There's a calculus teacher who looks a lot like you. [menacing] Maybe I'll have her next year.

Fin

Not where you're going. [loads him into a police car] Watch your head.

Munch

Did he just threaten my hypothetical sister?