Kitchen Nightmares Season 1 quotes

Here's your sausage pizza.

[eyes wide as saucers] Holy crap...

Isn't that ridiculous?

[facepalms] It's like the pizza that ate Denver.

Definitely not a hero, there. There's a typo on the menu. It's not "hero", it's "zero".

Looks like one of the worst urine samples you could ever give.

I think, Pete, you've overestimated how good your pizza is. ... I did a little research in Denver. Here's the results in a nutshell. 75 percent of our taste-testers preferred pizza A from the top local Italian restaurant. In second place, with 15 percent of the votes, was a store-bought frozen pizza. And in third, and last position, was yours, with 10 percent ONLY of the votes. Yours was the least favourite, you're actually beaten by a store-bought fucking frozen pizza. Get the message?

I love you, you old Brit.

How can I help two individuals who don't care about what they're doing?

We do care.

We care tremendously.

So, why didn't you do anything before I got here?

We did. I can't tell you how many hours we cleaned.

You cleaned before I got here?

I threw out my clothes on Monday, I was so encased with grease.

How long?

How many hours?

HOW MANY DAYS?!

Five?

SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK?!!

We just need to stop.

[walking out of the restaurant] What a fucking mess!

What is that? Where is this coming from?

This is for the special.

For the special. That's all hot. No, I know, but wait. It's all hot. Where is it coming from?

Downstairs.

So you have a team of chefs downstairs as well?

No. Only one woman... put in the microwave.

Only one woman?

Yes. That's all the work she do.

[yelling down the lift] Hello? Hello? Hello? Wow. [talking to Christina] Christina, there's a lady downstairs that heats this stuff up.

Yeah, she puts these in the microwave.

What is that?

Our spinach has never never never never NEVER looked like this!!

This restaurant runs like the Jerry Springer Show.

The food... isn't cooked with much love. It's cooked with stress and a microwave.

Hey Kevin, let's talk about how many times you haven't shown up to work without your tie.

Two times.

You're so disrespectful to her! You need to show a little respect!

She doesn't listen to anything we have to fucking say!

She tries to but you guys don't give her a chance!

Trevor, I have talked to you a hundred times about, stop! I've talked to you over and fucking over, you fucking know I'm not fucking lying, you are! I have sat down and talked to you so many fucking times and said "What can we do to make this better?" and you never fucking say fucking anything, so that's a fucking lie!

But when I do say something, it gets shut down!

You are fucking lying, you fucking fuck!

Whatever!

She's given you so many chances Trevor and you know it! Let's talk about your habits for a second and all the times, you've come in so high that you throw fuck at the walls! So high, you fucking punch people!

WHO INTERROGATES IT?! YOU!!!

NO, FUCKING YOU!!

YOU OUGHT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS RESTAURANT SO WE CAN WORK!!

NO!! I DON'T FUCKING OWE YOU ANYTHING!! YOU'RE SO FUCKING HIGH ALL THE FUCKING TIME THAT WHEN YOU GO OFF FUCKING DRUGS, YOU'RE SO ANGRY THAT YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO FUCKING WORK!

Drugs? Who's on drugs?

He's a fucking tweaker! AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE A FUCKING TWEAKER! YOU'VE BEEN DOING DRUGS FOR THREE YEARS!!!

Janelle, Janelle.

Janelle, come here.

NO, FUCK HIM!! HE DESERVES TO BE FIRED AND YOU KNOW IT!!! HE TRIED TO FUCKING PUNCH ME!!!! AND IF I WOULD'VE LET HIM RIGHT NOW, I KNOW HE WOULD'VE FUCKING PUNCHED ME AGAIN!!! HE'S SUCH A FUCKING FUCKHOLE!! HE'S SO DISRESPECTFUL!! (cries)

Okay, stay away from him now. Darling, go inside the restaurant please, and get a glass of water please.

[handing Mike a dish of lasagna] Okay, now into the microwave for four minutes--

Fuck off. Are you serious?!

You're good at taking orders, but you've got a brain. Use it.

I've got a little quiz. Are you ready for this? ... How do you spell 'bistro'?

B-I-S-T-R-O.

Uh-huh, good. Now, how do you spell 'dining'?

D-I-N-N-I-N-G.

So, you wrote this menu?

Are the locals biting?

No.

No? No one's biting?

No. Not at all. And this place should be banging. We have to do things. I run a 50 Shades Of Grey bingo on Thursday night.

Say that again?

50 Shades Of Grey bingo.

Bingo?

It's adult bingo.

Adult bingo?

Yeah.

Are handcuffs involved?

No.

No?

Well, they could be if you wanted them.

But, I mean, why would you-- [facepalms] No, God, no. Geez, man.

[laughing]

I just arrived!

Are you kidding me? (to the staff) All of you, quick! (staff comes to Gordon) If you think I'm serving that, you're dreaming. We may as well go back to where we were!

All right.

All of a sudden, we've just dropped our fucking standards! The next person that throws that out at me, I will throw them out!

Yes, Chef.

Come on, guys, let's go.

Come here, you. (takes Gianfranco outside) Is that what—is that what you busted your arse off for?

No. No, no, no, no. Absolutely not.

Come on!

You're right.

It's in front of your eyes. Get 'em together! (throws plate of lasagna on the ground)