[to Raylan] You shoulda been on the other side, with me and your daddy. You'd still be able to shoot people, and be an asshole... your two favorite activities.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You ever been on a plane, Mr. Crowder?
Why? You plan on taking flying lessons with my money?
I've been having this dream. I dream that I'm flyin' this plane. I mean one of them great, big, old suckers. A jumbo jet. And all the passengers is folks from Noble's Holler. Damn near everybody I know and care about's on this thing. I'm at the controls when all of a sudden, something goes terribly wrong. Lights is flashing, buzzers sounding. And we start going down. And I'm fighting to keep it level, and it ain't no use. And I always wake up just before impact, sweating.
While I believe I understand your subtle metaphor, what I don't understand is why you feel the need to tell me.
Well I'm telling you so you understand why I'm about to do what I'm about to do.
Theo Tonin knows we got Drew. He's not gonna be too happy about that. Meaning we just got to figure out how to get out of Harlan alive.
Look at you, Mr. Crowder. You're a well dressed man, you got a sense of style, you got your shirt buttoned all the way up to the top. I gotta ask where'd you get all those teeth?
Courtesy of the American taxpayer while serving our great nation in Desert Storm.
Man, I love the way you talk, using forty words when four will do. I'm curious. What would you say if I was about to put forty bullets through that beautiful vest of yours?
[Tim slams on the breaks] What the hell?! What are you doing?
It's not right.
What's not right?
One abandoned car beside the road's no big deal, but two so close together, that's weird.
That's Kentucky.
How bout a third? [points to another up the road]
What are you thinking? IEDs?
I'm not thinking confetti canons.
Are you sure about this?
For all I know I'm just having a full-blown PTSD episode.
You get those a lot?
Only when I'm handling firearms in public.
[calling Colt realizing he's put IEDs in cars to ambush his team] Am I right in saying that you were in the sandbox before Afghanistan?
I am a double winner. Is that why you called, to ask me that?
Oh, why? You busy?
I am in the middle of something.
All right, I'll make it quick. I'm writing a book set in Iraq. There's a chapter where a convey of military police is transporting a criminal, and Lieutenant Dan, he's our main guy, he gets a bad feeling—
Forrest Gump.
Huh?
There's a Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump.
Oh shit, you're right. I'll change it. Lieutenant Colt.
I would like a young Gérard Depardieu to play me in the movie. I'm honored.
Well you should be, he's a big guy, a real badass, or he was, he's kind of losing his grip when we meet him, he's lost someone, he's started using dope that he confiscated.
Yeah but then we find out he's kicked again, and anyone who thinks he's in anyway diminished is in for a big surprise.
Yeah, but he's the kind of character might say he's kicked but we all know he's just one broken shoelace away from sayin' "screw it" and picking up again.
How about you have him go into a bar and pick a fight with some rangers and he send a couple of them to the hospital?
It's not a fantasy. Anyway, he gets a bad feeling when they pass an abandoned vehicle, sees a second and a third, so he's thinking IEDs triggered by cell. You ever come across anything like that?
Me, personally? No. But I did hear about this one convoy, couple of Frankensteins and a gun truck on Highway 10. So, the spotter, he calls a halt between the first two cars thinking the Hajis will blow the second if it moves forward, and the first if it tries to go back.
Well, how'd they get out of it?
Yeah, they didn't. Because they were too afraid to move, they just sat there in their vehicles, pssing and shitting in their helmets, too afraid to toss it out the windows on account of possible snipers. Then they ran out of food. They started eating each other till there was only one left, and he blew his brains out. Do you want to know the sad part?
Oh, there's a sad part?
Yeah. Because they were so afraid to move, they never found out whether or not the cars had explosives. So basically, they all died from being pussies.
[to Ava] Why are you talking? Huh? Oh, you don't like that question? Let me ask you another. How many dicks you got to suck to get to the top of the food chain around here? It's got to be a ton of dicks. It's got to be, like, morning, noon, and night. Like, ever since you were 14. It's got to be like, the alarm goes off, "I'm sucking dick. Where's another dick I can suck?" Dick, dick, dick. Go to bed, suck a dick. Dicks, dicks, dicks. It's got to be a ton. I mean, a small-time, blond girl like you, looking for a better life? Plenty of girls like you, but what sets you apart? Extraordinary vacuuming skills.
[to Ava] You really love Boyd, don't you? That ring he got you, where'd he get it from, one of those claw machines at Denny's? He must be good at that machine, 'cause it's hard to get something, you know.
Did you not wake up this morning thinking this was another opportunity to mess up some bad guy's day? I did.
[wanting Raylan to sign paperwork for their baby] It's kind of important that you get it done before she's born.
Yes. Listen, it's gonna be the first thing I do— What did you just say? [the office breaks out in applause]
We're having a girl, Raylan. I found out this morning.
A girl. Holy shit. Hold on. [office continues to clap for him] Thank you. I'm on the phone. Seriously. [back to Winona] Winona, I don't know shit about girls.
That is so sweet, sayin' it like I don't already know.
What's the matter with you, Raylan? Not used to positive attention?
No, I loved that. Can we continue?
No, the moment's gone.
[lighting a cigarette] Gonna quit tomorrow.
What do you think you're doing?
I'm smoking.
Did you kill my friend?
You know what it's like to be in the shit. Go back there enough times, and bad things happen.
So, you did kill him?
Collateral damage. I'm sorry about what happened to your friend Mark, but I think most of him died somewhere in Kandahar.
Only part I'm concerned about is the one that died here. Last time I'm telling you. Put your weapon on the ground.
[Colt exhales his cigarette smoke] I guess I'll quit today.
[Colt raises his gun; Tim shoots him in the chest]
I believe you dictate the river of fate through your own actions.
So, out of nowhere, Crowder calls and says he's bringing the marshal, and you just drop everything to play High Noon. You want to explain to me how this makes any sense?
All the shit I've heard about this guy, there's no way I'm saying no to a face-to-face. Plus, maybe he wants to cut a deal.
I doubt that.
Well, we'll know shortly.
You're not even a little worried he's trying to set us up, maybe even bust me for that shit at the high school?
I might be worried if Crowder wasn't bringing him here.
What? You trust Crowder?
I trust him not to hand us up to the feds, yeah.
You know, Sammy's already pissed we went after the ex-wife. He wants us to come home now and kiss his new ring. You think it's smart to keep him waiting?
Sammy is a rat-faced bitch boy.
He's Theo Tonin's rat-faced bitch boy!
We wouldn't even be having this conversation if you'd popped the marshal in the first place.
[chuckles bitterly] Christ.
But instead you let him back you down.
He didn't back me down. The cops pulled up.
Well, all I know is, if I'd have been there, he'd never walked out.
Oh. And that would have been pointless, Nicky. It would have just drawn heat, as usual.
You think too much. Pay the check.
Now that you mention it, though, I'm not sure you're one to talk about going straight at a man 'stead of what he loves.
You love her, huh? Ava?
You have to ask?
Love her like how? Like how you loved the Lord and your lovely white skin or how you loved Arlo? I know he meant a lot to you.
You know... [sighs] ...You can know a fella your whole life and not really know him at all. You know what I think, Raylan? I think you're just jealous that I've got to open a present that will never be under your Christmas tree.
I think you love anything lets you put your head on the pillow at night believin' you ain't the bad guy.
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