Phil Malkin quotes from It – Welcome to Derry

Phil Malkin

Why do they make brassieres so pointy? I mean, boobs aren't that pointy. Are we supposed to believe that under a sweater is just two pointy cones? Are pointy cones better?

Phil Malkin

I can't go to the loony bin, Teddy. I couldn't make it through goddamn sleepaway camp.

Phil Malkin

Teddy, for this to be true, Matty would have to still be alive. And he'd have to know where every single one of Derry's pipes start and end. And the exact time that Lilly was about to take a bath. And how to aim his voice down a certain pipe so he could stick his little finger up there and wave hello to her.

Phil, you've explained one hundred ways how aliens have come to Earth. Tracking our smells, pretending to be dogs, probing our anus.

Phil Malkin

"Ani."

Phil Malkin

There has to be a reason why men have nipples. Think about it.

Maybe it's like when we used to have tails and gills and we just evolved out of it.

Phil Malkin

Or it's nature's way of telling us that we're second in line to feed our babies should anything happen to women.