Cecil Stedman quotes from Invincible

Cecil Stedman

Where's Mark, Debbie? Where's...?

Cecil Stedman

[chuckles slightly] I've faced death more times than I can count, but I'll be damned if that didn't put my balls in my throat.

This is pointless! You can't stop me.

Cecil Stedman

Yeah, you're right, I can't. But I can do the same thing I've been doing since I figured out you were a lying piece of shit: I can buy us a little more time.

How could you do this?!

That was your fault. Your stubbornness against the inevitable killed those people. How many more need to die, Mark? It's up to you. And what were they doing with those fragile little lives anyway? Listen to what I'm saying, you know in your heart I'm right.

Right?! About how "pointless" and "pathetic" humanity is? Is Mom's life worthless?

In the grand scheme of things... yes.

Cecil Stedman

Debbie...

How could you say those things?! How could you say that about Mom?! LIAR!

For the first time in your life, I'm telling you the TRUTH!

Come on, man. Darkwing was at my twelfth birthday party, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't kill people. Also, pretty sure he's dead.

Killed by your father, Invincible. Which is why I carry on his work. I was Nightboy, his assistant.

Assistant? What, you mean sidekick?

We don't use that term. It's... degrading.

Cecil Stedman

[via Mark's earpiece] Okay, bring him in. He's lost it.

You think?

You hear them too?

What?

The voices.

Oh, man... hey, you're coming with me, okay?

I'm not going anywhere with the son of a psychopath.

Hey, I'm being nice, so watch it.

How's Rae?

Still in the ICU. But she's stronger than she looks. She'll make it. What?

(sighs) This place.

What about it?

We're supposed to be the best there is. Best superheroes on the planet.

And?

You serious? Ok, let's do the lineup. You got a guy who's supposed to be a genius, but the best idea he could come up with was to make himself a new body with DNA he stole from a coworker, so he can date a different coworker who currently does not want to date him. That same chick gets younger each time she uses her powers and doesn't seem to care she's gonna be eating strained carrots before too long. Our leader's a guy who's so old he shits dust, and his boss is a suit who'd sacrifice us all in a second to save white america. Then there's the girl who broke all her bones trying to explode someone from the inside out, which is fucked up. The pyromaniac who's going through some heavy personal shit after he traded half his brain for a bullet. And finally, whatever the hell Shapesmith is.

Here I am feeling left out.

[scoffs] Okay, first, you're bald, and hair was Samson's whole thing. And second, if you think we're the best superhero team on the planet, that hair thing is secondary to your messed-up judgement.

I had hair when I picked the name, but you're right. We're not the best superhero team on the planet. We're a family.

Oh really?

And like any family, we're all messed up in our own unique way.

Shit, speak for yourself.

But we're unbreakable when it counts. That's what makes us the best. You're new, so you just don't get it yet.

Cecil

[in the distance] What? No!

Well, if we're a family, than Mom and Dad are getting a divorce.

Cecil

Mark, look at me. If the bad guys are dead, and the good guys are alive, that's a good day.

Mark

How do you know the difference?

Cecil

Well, the bad guys are usually the ones who break people's arms.

(sighs frustrated before Cecil appears before him, startling him) Whoah! Hey! Uh, we have these things called "doors" that normal people use all the time. You should try them.

Cecil Stedman

We also have these things called Viltrumites. You should try winning a fight against them sometime.

Okay, too... too soon, Cecil. Also, how much does it cost every time you like teleport? Isn't that taxpayer money?

Cecil Stedman

Do you know the gross economic output of Lichtenstein?

Not even a little.

Cecil Stedman

More than that.

Uh... okay, well that seems really irresponsible-

Cecil Stedman

(slams his hands on the table) It's been months, Mark! Months since 2000 retirees got their vacation ruined and you got your ass kicked by some second cousin of your dad's who dropped in to prove a point.

Hey-

Cecil Stedman

That point being that she could kick your ass without breaking a sweat.

That's not nice.

Cecil Stedman

Not only that, she promised Mr. Ten Times worse was on his way. So, what exactly have you been doing to prepare? There's only eight billion people counting on you.

Hey, I've- I've been busy!

Cecil Stedman

Busy doing what exactly?

Well, I've been busy... (montage plays) Writing, designing, storyboarding, voice acting, key-posing-

Cecil Stedman

(interrupting) Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no, no. Stop! I'm not falling for that shit. Who do you think I am? Some pickle-hating one-eyed rube from planet-just-let-the-Viltrumites-win?

I don't... think that. What?

Cecil Stedman

No, I bet you don't. And don't even get me started on your little four month vacation right in the middle of things. We all sure loved that. Do you have mayonnaise?

Okay, it was more like... three and a half-

Cecil Stedman

This is life or death, Mark. People are counting on you to live up your obligations. So what exactly are you doing to get ready for what's coming?

I'm... uh... You know I-I'm... stuff.

Cecil Stedman

(facepalms) Yeah, that's what I was worried about. And why I shouldn't leave a nineteen-year-old in charge of Earth's security. All right, we're taking over your training.

Training? What training?

Cecil Stedman

"What training?" Okay, how about... (small Chibi scenes appear) Weightlifting. Cardio. Speed. Damage resistance. Flexibility. Battle tactics. Reactions. And punctuality.

That's... so much stuff. Okay, when is... when is this all gonna start?

Cecil Stedman

(sighs) I thought you'd never ask.

C'mon-

Cecil Stedman

We're a top secret organization, Mark. And we learn from our mistakes.

But I need to know when to show up!

Cecil Stedman

(sighs) Fine. Lights. (title card is presented with subtitle "NEW SEASON; FEBUARY 6 (NO MID-SEASON BREAK)")

Ah. Much better. Still can't believe I have to exercise.

Donald Ferguson

Over the last 90 days, Mark's speed has increased 65%. His endurance 70%. And his strength, and we checked this wasn't a mistake, 138%. Science team is working on a heavier version.

Cecil Stedman

So, the billion dollar question then, can he beat that Viltrumite woman who made us all shit our pants three months ago?

Donald Ferguson

We think so. But she implied someone much worse was coming.

Cecil Stedman

Which is why we're not stopping here, with Mark or any of our other plans.

Rex Splode

Fuck me! Way to make a fellow superhero feel inadequate. That is not leg day.

Hey Rex. Yeah, Cecil's got me on a training plan.

Rex Splode

Uh, yeah. I can see that. So, um, how much did all this cost, Cecil? Is this why the coffee maker still broken at the Guardians' HQ?

Cecil Stedman

We bought you a new hand, Rex. That wasn't cheap.

Rex Splode

Yeah, and this is the third time I've been back trying to get it adjusted. Look, I'm trying to give you the finger right now and I can't.

Oh man, that's your favorite finger.

Rex Splode

It's my favorite finger!

It's his favorite finger, Cecil. (shrugs)

Are you working with D.A. Sinclair?!

Cecil Stedman

Calm down.

[slamming his hands on Cecil's desk] He turned people into monsters! He almost killed William! He should be in prison!

Cecil Stedman

He can't fix his mistakes in prison, Mark. Neither can Darkwing.

What are you even talking about?!

Cecil Stedman

[sighs and stands up] D.A. Sinclair's a genius. Darkwing cracked from fighting endless crime in Midnight City. You don't waste people like that, you reform them. Repair them. Let them make restitution for their mistakes.

"Mistakes"?! They murdered people! Rick still isn't right after what Sinclair did to him!

Cecil Stedman

Sinclair's new Reanimen are made with donated corpses. Darkwing will never kill again. They both went through severe psychological reprogramming. They save lives now, Mark, and are repaying the very substantial debt they owe us all.

That is BULLSHIT and you know it!

Cecil Stedman

Is it? You killed Angstrom Levy. Should I lock you up too? Throw away the key?

Y-You know that was different!

Cecil Stedman

A man's still dead because of you.

And I think about it every single day! But he almost killed my mom and brother!

Cecil Stedman

Exactly. You were trying to save lives. Which is what I'm trying to do, so... how about you extend me the same privilege and go home?

No! No way. I'm not going anywhere until Sinclair and Darkwing are both back in prison.

[following him in] Did you hear me?!

Cecil Stedman

Go home, Mark, before you do something you'll regret.

I told you, I'm not leaving until-- wait, why are we in here again?

Cecil Stedman

Please go.

What are you hiding in here?! Who else is working for you?!

Cecil Stedman

The White Room is for my protection.

Protection from what?!

Cecil Stedman

From you, Mark. From you.

Cecil Stedman

It's my job to defend the planet from threats. Don't make me put you in that category, Mark.

[surrounded by Reanimen] Do you use these things to keep Darkwing in line? Or Sinclair?

Cecil Stedman

Darkwing and Sinclair don't have your abilities.

Abilities I only use to help people!

Cecil Stedman

Who are you helping right now? You see things one way, and you won't make room for any other viewpoint. You threaten people who disagree with you.

I don't threaten!

Cecil Stedman

No? Because you're scaring the shit out of me right now.

I'm not even doing anything!

Cecil Stedman

You arrogant little asshole. Look at this goddamn mess. Everywhere you go, destruction follows, because of your ego. You're a hypocrite, waltzing off to help your mass-murdering dad, but God forbid anyone else screws up and then tries to make good. Don't you ever, ever threaten me again. [to the other young Guardians] As for the rest of you--

I will never work for you again! We're done! And if you ever come near my family again... I will kill you.

Donald Ferguson

Sir, with this body, I can do more out there than in here.

Cecil Stedman

You're just gonna get yourself killed, Donald.

Donald Ferguson

That's what I do, sir.

Cecil Stedman

[Cecil sighs] Find Brit. Link up with him. And give 'em hell.

Conquest

The boy left me alive? [laughs] How stupid.

Cecil Stedman

Shit.