Goodness Gracious Me Season 1 quotes

Why don't we skip dessert and get outta here?

Why? What have you got in mind?

Nothing. It's just that you're already quite fat, innit!

A rose for the woman you love?

Ah, that's a good idea. [to his date] 'Cos I'm seeing her after I drop you off, innit!

It's appalling that women are under all that pressure to be thin, to do their hair, to have the right nose and that.

Oh, absolutely. I agree.

That's what's so great about you. You make no effort at all!

Your parents must be very beautiful people.

Aww.

'Cos it often skips a generation, innit!

[to the waiter] I'd like a 12-inch spicy hot one, please.

[terrified] Cheque, please!

If you were an animal, what sort of animal would you be?

Er, I'd be a tiger. Rrrr!

What about me?

Ah, you'd be a bird of paradise.

Aww. Why's that?

'Cos you've got a hooky nose like a beak, and your voice is all screechy: "Aar! Aar!" And you've got feathery stuff on your lip, and then your feet are like this [makes claw shapes with hands], and then you've got a wobbly fat arse and…[notices his date has gone] cheque, please!

I'd really, really love it if you'd come back to my place.

And what's the magic word?

Twenty quid! [she gets up to leave] Thirty? Forty? Forty-f…cheque, please!

I know it's really old-fashioned, but I think it's really important to get to know a girl's family and that when you're starting a relationship.

Aww, that's so sweet!

Yeah. That's why I'm sleeping with your sister, innit!

So, what's your idea of the perfect date?

Ah. Imagine walking hand-in-hand down a deserted tropical beach. The sun is setting in the horizon, and as we sit on the warm sand we let the waves lap over our bare feet.

Wow! I can almost feel it.

Eh? Well, you're not there, innit!

I just wanna say those three little words: you're too fat!

Many people in the west think that in my country (India), because of our religions, because of our history, because of I don't know what, somehow we are more in tune with our spirituality, more at one with the forces of Nature. Well, we are! So well done, all those people who said that!

Hello. I'd like to talk to you about Krishna.

Oh yes?

Have you ever thought of becoming a Hindu?

Well, actually, it's something I've always wanted to do.

Well, you can't! Sorry. Have a nice day.

And thus it was Shiva, in the heart of the demon's lair, with his celestial weapons.

With due respect, you are wrong. It was Narasimha, incarnation of Vishnu, in the palace of the evil Rakshas, with his bare hands!

No. It was Professor Plum, in the library, with the candlestick! I win! Go on, my son!

Meditation, meditation. Everybody go: om…om…football's coming om…

You see, it is very important for your soul to be clean, for your spirit to be pure, for your chakras to be whiter than white with a meadowy freshness. Use Omo; it's biological! [smells his sleeve] Heavenly! Also Ashram toothpaste: it's transcen-dental! [ting] And finally, Reincarnation pour l'Homme. [sprays a few puffs] "Mmm. I'll be back!" All these products are available on my website: www.gurumaharishi.yogi.om.