Will: Did you know that you are extremely racist?!?
Mr. Pillsbury: Not quite.

Will: Do you trust me?
Coach Beiste: You're not gonna try and kiss me again, are you?

Will: First, the acapella choir from the all-boys private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers.
Santana: Okay, hold up. Like, a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head.

Will: Hey, how come you haven't had any morning sickness? Quinn Fabray's been upchucking every fifteen minutes.
Terri: Really? That's a really good sign! That means the baby's not a mongoloid!

Will: Hey, what's going on?
Finn: We're on our way to go all Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline.
Will: Guys, violence is never the answer.
Puck: It is when the question is, "What's the best way to mess up that Jesse kid's face?"
Kurt: Mr. Schue, Rachel is one of us. We're the only ones who get to humiliate her.
Will: Stop! Get back here and sit down! Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away. You're all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does. We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that.
Finn: We can't just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelette.
Will: We're not. Rachel, dial Jesse's number on your phone.
Santana: You still have his number?
Will: Jesse St. James? Will Schuester here. You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3:00 sharp. [hangs up]

Will: I don't know if you heard...but I am an excellent educator.

Will: I just got off the phone with Don Barowsky, the local station manager at Lima's PBS affiliate. Turns out that their annual broadcast of the yule log burning has been canceled.
Puck: The hell?!

Will: I love my kids.
Dustin: What? No you don't. They're hideous. My kids are at least attractive. Yours look like they haven't been baked properly.

Will: I thought we were friends.
Sue: Yeah, that got boring.

Will: I thought you hated the holidays.
Sue: Nah, I just hate you.
Will: Merry Christmas, Sue.
Sue: Merry Christmas, Will.

Will: I used to drink a lot when I was their age, mostly to deal with Terri.

Will: I want to educate them, not titillate them.
In the chorus room:

Will: I will destroy you.
Sue: I am about to vomit down your back.
Will: It's on.

Will: I'm sorry you guys. We aren't in the top ten.

Will: If this is only about winning for you guys, then I owe you all an apology, because I've failed you. And we should just all go home, because it means we've already lost. Besides, we have got something that the other groups don't.
Artie: What?
Will: Finn's dancing. (Laughter).