Santana: Gosh, that song was so depressing. I may actually be dead now.

Santana: Here's the deal, pixie-boy. You've got a crush on my girl, Brittany. I understand. She's beautiful, she's innocent, she's everything that's good in this miserable, stinking world.

Santana: Hey Kurt, we're really sorry about your dad's heart attack.
Brittany: I did a book report on heart attacks, if you want to give it to the doctor. I got knocked down an entire letter grade 'cause it was written in crayon.
Finn: [Entering] What the hell happened?
Kurt: My dad's in the hospital.
Finn: I know. My mom just called me. I feel I'm the last one to know.
Kurt: I'm sorry Finn, but it didn't occur to me to call you because he's not your father.
Finn: Yeah, well, he's the closest person I'm ever going to get, okay? I don't know what it looks like to everyone else, but I thought we were sort of family. Look, I guess I just didn't like overhearing other people talking about it in gym class.

Santana: Hey Tubs! Can I talk to you for a second?
Rory: Hey, listen here. You can't make fun of Finn anymore.
Santana: Shut your potato hole, I'm here to apologize. [to Finn] Rachel's right, I haven't been fair to you. You're not fat. I should know, I slept with you. I mean, at some point I must have liked that you look like a taco addict who's had one too many back alley liposuctions.
Rory: Whoa.
Santana: Please stick a sock in it or ship yourself back to Scotland. I'm trying to apologize to Lumps The Clown. I am sorry, Finn. I mean, really, I'm sorry that the New Directions are gonna get crushed by the Troubletones. And also sorry that you have no talent. Sorry that you sing like you're getting your prostate checked, and you dance like you've been asleep for years and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel's coattails for the rest of your life, although, you know what, I would just watch out for her come holiday time if I were him, because if I were her, I'd stick a stent in one of those boobs and let the Finn blubber light the Hanukkah lamp for eight magical nights. [walks away]
Finn: Hey Santana, why don't you just come out of the closet? [Santana stops walking and becomes shocked; Finn begins to approach her] You know, I think I know why you're so good at tearing everybody else down. It's because you're constantly tearing yourself down because you can't admit to everybody that you're in love with Brittany, and she might not love you back. That must hurt, not to be able to admit to everyone how you really feel. You know what I think you are? A coward. [walks away]

Santana: Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things we don't want to change about ourselves? I'm sure that Sam has been at the doctor's office and riffled through pamphlets on mouth reductions. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyway. And I'm definitely sure Tina has looked into eye de-slanting.
Tina: That's extraordinarily racist.
Santana: Just keeping it real.
Tina: Sorry Santana, I'm a beautiful person. I'm in love with myself and I would never change a thing.
Mike: Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina? [whispers] Self hating Asian.
Tina: Not too many Asian sex symbols, Mike. I'm just trying to mirror what I see in magazines.
Finn: My dancing kind of bothers me. It almost killed Rachel but I like the way I look.
Santana: Oh please. You have weird puffy pyramid nipples.
Sam: [tries to look at Finn's nipples]
Finn: [slaps Sam's hand away]
Santana: They look like they're filled with custard. Or you could dust them off with powdered sugar and pass it off as some sort of dessert. Look, maybe Rachel is fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I'm saying is if you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see, you should change it.

Santana: How can you do a duet by yourself? That's like vocal masturbation or something.

Santana: I also think you should wait. Speaking from experience Finn's terrible in bed.
Tina: That's terrible to say, Santana.
Santana: What? If Rachel wants my sloppy seconds, she should at least know the truth. Look, it was like being smothered by a sweaty, out of breath sack of potatoes that somebody soaked in body spray.
Brittany: I lost my virginity at cheerleading camp. He just climbed into my tent. Alien invasion.

Santana: I gotta gay--go. Go-- I gotta go.

Santana: I hope you're happy, Kurt.
Kurt: Having the week of my life, actually.
Will: Guys, back off Kurt, okay? He had every right to speak his mind.
Mercedes: Look, Kurt, we're sympathetic to what you're going through but siding with Miss Sylvester isn't gonna do anyone any good.
Kurt: It's doing me some good. Now I don't have to sit around listening to all you mental patients talk about how's there's a God when I know there isn't one.

Santana: I just heard the news that Trouty Mouth is back in town. I've been keeping a notebook, just in case this day ever came. Welcome back, Lisa Rinna. I've missed you so much since your family has pack their bags, loaded them into your mouth and skipped town. Can't tell you how many times I've wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle but couldn't find anyone to suck the lid off the jar. I assume you've been working as a baby polisher where young mothers place their infants' heads in your mouth to get back that newborn shine. So glad you're back. I haven't seen a smile that big since a clyamation abominable snowman got his teeth pulled by that little gay elf dentist. Love, Santana.
Sam: [smiles] I missed you too, Santana. [hugs her]

Santana: I love girls the way that I'm supposed to feel about boys. It's just something that's always been inside of me, and I really want to share it with you because I love you so much. I want you to know me. Who I really am. When I'm with Brittany�� I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about love. I've tried so hard to push this feeling away, and keep it locked inside�� but every day just feels like a war. I walk around so mad at the world, but I'm really just fighting with myself. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm just too tired. I have to just be me.

Santana: I picked a song that gives me strength and gets me through. The struggle continues but at least I know I'm not alone. Same way all of you do.
(In promo)

Santana: I wants on them froggy lips, and I want on them NOW.

Santana: I won't tell Lauren to look out for poachers who might might mistake her for the endangered white rhino.
Lauren: I heard that. Don't make me rip that weave off your head.
Santana: Hello, Lauren. You are a beautiful person.
Lauren: Thank you.
Santana: Now get out of the way, please. Afores I ends you.
Lauren: You don't want to push me.
Santana: You see, I sorta do. I'm from a part of town called Lima Heights adjacent. You know where that is, Poppin' Fresh? It's on the wrong side of the tracks. [flicks her hand at Lauren's shoulder]

Santana: I'd throw this mocha in your face, but it's not nearly scalding enough.