Interviewer: So you and Ronnie... A little history?
Xander Crews: A little bit, yeah... [Flashback to Ronnie preparing to rape Xander in season 1] Which... Not what I call making love. I'd call it "The Shame-spear... of... hurt".

Interviewer: There's no record of you ever working for the Department of Labor.
Wendell: Well, duh! I was on loan from the CIA.
Interviewer: Yeah, we contacted them too, and they won't confirm or deny your story.
Wendell: That's the beauty of it--nobody knows if I worked there or not.

Killface: [Answers cell phone] Hello?
Xander Crews: [sighs over phone] What's up, Douchington?
Killface: No, no Douchington here- Hey, is that Xander Crews?

Killface: [Unable to get his money out of the bank after Phil spends the money he received from suing Killface] Ridiculous! A hundred and eighty dollars for snake oil?
Phillip: Shark oil, and some of that was for the bath salts and add... the luffa.
Killface: Oh damn your luffa... [Starts pounding the machine] and damn Xander Crews and damn his snotty back!
Phillip: Yeah, why do you bank here anyway?
Killface: [Temporarily with a happier tone] Checking with interest. [Starts pounding the machine again, breaking it] But now this blasted machine tells me my checking account can't be accessed!!
Phillip: Wow, already?
Killface: I d- I beg your pardon?
Phillip: Well, we had to freeze your assets. [Killface tries to suppress his anger with a deep breath] Come on, its common sense. I'm sorry, you want some walking around money?
Killface: No, I want to go you to the car and get some plasma charges and blow Xander Crews' crummy, little bank to-
(The bank explodes, knocking Killface and Phillip away)

Killface: Alright, while I think of a plan-
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Plan? It was your stupid ass plan that got us into this pickle! Oh, we were supposed to get-
Killface: Don't... say it.
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Sorry.
Killface: Now just try to make the fight look real- [Xander smashes him in the face repeatedly] Yeah, okay, relatively. Okay, okay, Barnaby?

Killface: And to what shall we drink? Simon will you be a lamb?
Phil: Uh, that this isn't just a big glass of poison?
Killface: Phillip! That hurts me!
Phil: It's just, I'd hate to beat cancer just to-
Killface: Oh, you beat cancer!
Phil: Yeah, just to drink poison. Yep, cancer free!
Killface: Good for you.
Phil: Also, twenty billionaire!
Killface: What?! You got full price for the Annihilatrix?!
Phil: Chompa chompa.

Killface: As God is my witness, I will have my revenge on Xander Crews!

Killface: Barnaby, listen.
Xander Crews: What?
Killface: I thought I heard something. [Xander Crews screams and presses against Killface]
Xander Crews: I bet it's a chud.
Killface: We really need to get you some pants.
Xander Crews: Yeah, that's not a pickle.
Killface: I know. It's your penis.
Xander Crews: My penis? [deepens voice] My penis.
Killface: Barnaby...
Xander Crews: Scrinching back!

Killface: Barnaby, they're not buying it, we're going to have to go to plan B.
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Yeah, 'cause you're getting your ass kicked!
Killface: And I apologize in advance for this.
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Hey dude, what are you- [Killface bites Xander's ear off, Xander screams and falls] Oh, son of a bitch!

Killface: Fetch the minivan. We're off to murder that wretch Xander Crews.
Grace: Don't you dare hurt him!
Sinn: Sire, Phil has cancer.
Killface: First of all, he's obviously not that into you.
[Grace gasps]
Killface: Phil, given your strict forcemeats-and-cheese regimen, the only real surprise is you're not dead already.
Phil: Phil, grappling with the cold reality of death, has no pithy rejoinder.

Killface: Great! The one person in the world I want to kidnap, and now he's missing!

Killface: No, I won't kill my best friend!
Torpedo Vegas: I like that. [laughs awkwardly]
Killface: Excuse me?
Torpedo Vegas: Your words have moved me, Killface. And I'm not a man easily moved. This man, Barnaby Jones, may live.

Killface: No, look at his face!
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: What?
Killface: He's got the mind of a child!
Xander Crews/Barnaby Jones: Aw.

Killface: Once again, the mall has become my Waterloo. [Grabbing a post] I surrender.
Antagone: A wise choi-- [She is hit with the post]
Killface: And the next one's right in the tit!

Killface: Phil, what does that look like?
Phil: You know, from here it looks like ants are robbing that bank.
Killface: Well, from here it looks like my financial worries are behind me. [He picks up a gold bar carried by an ant] Come over here, you have pockets.
Phil: Better call my lawyer. This might be an attachable asset.
Killface: No, don't call them.