Steven Keaton quotes from Family Ties

Steven

[about Alex] I haven't seen him this excited since Reagan got elected.

Steven

[to Elyse] Do you think maybe he was switched at birth and the Rockefellers have our kid?

Steven

[after Ned loses it and drops Alex with a punch] ... All right, Ned, that's it. It's over. [icy] Right now, either you get some help or you get the hell out of my house.

Alex

How do I look?

Steven

Middle-aged.

Alex

Dad, recent studies show, that you can predict success by the way a person dresses.

Steven

Alex, you're a young man. You shouldn't be worried about success. You should be thinking about hopping on a steam trainer, and going around the world, or putting a pack on your back and heading down to Mexico, South America, or anywhere.

Alex

The 1960's are over Dad.

Steven

Thanks for the tip.

Jennifer

What's impetuous?

Steven

Well, uh. That's when you do something without thinking it through.

Jennifer

Like when you guys decided to have Alex?

Elyse

Who is Sherry Marshall?

Mallory

She happens to be a Pi Nu the best sorority in the whole world, she's the president.

Steven

Is she coming alone or with some secret service agents?

Steven

No movies, no dates....

Alex

Sounds fair.

Steven

... and no TV.

Alex

Not even Wall Street Week?

Steven

Especially not Wall Street Week.

Alex

Come on Dad. I didn't kill a guy!

Steven

Alex I am out $2,700. I am the major investor in an underwater video company in the Philippines. They probably have a picture of me in one of their huts with the caption, Our Founder. You are lucky to be getting off this easy.

Alex

Oh listen, just in case, I mean if this stock does go up, we are in this 50/50 right?

Alex

Dad, I'm 138 and 0 against you [in chess].

Steven

138, 0 and 1. You forgot about the draw.

Alex

I had my appendix out that day.

Steven

The anesthesia had worn off.

Steven

Hey, Alex. How's it going?

Alex

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

Steven

He seems a bit depressed.

Steven

You know what I was doing while I drove home from the station?

Elyse

Watching the road, I hope.

Steven

Counting... Counting all the times you and I have stayed up all night nursing one of the kid's fevers. Guess how many.

Elyse

Couldn't begin to.

Steven

Well, go ahead, try.

Elyse

17.

Steven

That's right. How'd you know?

Elyse

I don't know. I guess after all our years together, I-I can read your mind.

Steven

Guess you can. What am I thinking now?

Elyse

You're thinking there's no place like home?

Steven

You're very good at this, you know? You should set up a booth on the boardwalk.

Elyse

And you're thinking about our life together and... and everything we've been through. And how hard it would be to turn your back on that, however tempting it might be.

Steven

Has it been that obvious?

Elyse

The words "open book" mean anything to you?

Steven

Sorry, Elyse, I've been acting like a real child.

Elyse

No. No, you haven't. You... you've been acting like a grown man facing midlife. I-I'll probably act the same way when I get to be your age.

Alex

I never oversleep, never! Never! I have one of those internal clock radios. I had that scholarship in the bag. I blew it!

Steven

Speed is like that, Alex, it'll keep you up for a while but um, when you crash, you crash hard.

Alex

No, I can handle it.

Elyse

Well, look at how you're handling it, you're on your knees rummaging through the garbage looking for someone else's diet pills!

Alex

Hey, have you, uh... Have you chosen a stage name yet?

Elyse

A stage name?

Alex

Yeah. Something... with a little more pizzazz, Something other than Keaton. I was thinking Elyse Lamour.

Steven

Alex, she's a folk singer, not a stripper.

Alex

All right, all right. How about, uh... Ramblin' Elyse Lamour?

Elyse

No, thanks, Alex.

Mallory

Everyone, I want you to meet Jamie Carter.

Steven

Alex, she said Jamie, not Jimmy.