Vinnie Delpino quotes from Doogie Howser, M.D.

Vinnie

Women control everything, Doog, we are here for them! Caesar went to war for Cleopatra! Paris built the Trojan horse for Helen! Paul McCartney lets his wife play in the band! These are not choices we men make! We're libido slaves!

Vinnie

This is the sort of thing we'll look back on one day when we're old men, 30, and we'll laugh.

Vinnie

[To Doogie] No, that's okay. I want to stay. I want to be enlightened. I want to be rational. I want to be you, but good-looking.

Vinnie

I'm addicted to sex.

Doogie

Vinnie, how is that possible? You're a virgin.

[from TV set] Again, the standoff here in a West Los Angeles convenience store heads into its third hour. At this time police are still withholding the names of both the gunman and his hostages.

What?

Vinnie

Withholding our names?

Man, I don't believe this! They're messing with my air time.

Vinnie

What you doin'?

Doogie

Oh, I'm throwing all these old medical journals out.

Vinnie

Why?

Doogie

Well, I've memorized most of them.

Vinnie

I got my favorite educational journal memorized too.

Doogie

Which one?

Vinnie

Playboy. It's like weird. I've all kinds of trouble in history class but I can tell you that Miss July 1987's favorite pastimes are snow skiing, riding horses and baking. Is there some kind of medical term for what I got?

Doogie

I think you'd be diagnosed as a horndog.

Doogie

We get a lot of homeless people claiming to be other people. Last week a guy came in claiming to be Abraham Lincoln.

Vinnie

You're kiddin'.

Doogie

Seriously. He tried to emancipate Raymond three times.

Doogie

Uh, Vinnie is making a slasher movie.

Vinnie

It's not just a slasher movie. It's a statement about life, about angst-ridden teens, and their struggle to overcome parental oppression. Picture Rebel Without a Cause meets Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with your references. I've always considered going to the movies a waste of time.

Vinnie

You know, Doog, the entire history of our great country could be deduced by studying women's underwear.

Doogie

This ought to be worth listening to. Go.

Vinnie

Take ancient times—the '50s. Our country was very uptight. Women wore utilitarian brassieres: plain white cotton, three hooks. We're talking monster bras.

Doogie

That's insightful.

Vinnie

But then came the '60s. Things loosened up. The youth movement kicked in. Burn the bra! Let it all hang out. The beauty of the natural woman fully visible under a diaphanous tie-dyed garment.

Doogie

Right on. Right on.

Vinnie

But then came the '70s. Nixon was President. Watergate. America was depressed. Women went back to covering their breasts.

Doogie

It was a black era, Vinnie.

Vinnie

But this is a great country, Doog. We were down but not out. The '80s came along, and as a nation, we rallied. American womanhood stood tall, took off their blouses and said, "I'm proud! I'm free! I'm gonna wear my underwear on the outside! [begins singing America the Beautiful]

Oh God! What am I gonna do with my life?

Vinnie

You know, Janine, acting is a noble profession.

If you think I'm going to appear sans clothes in something probably everyone in school will see—

Vinnie

Oh, you don't want anybody to know it was you? No problem! Why didn't you just say so? We can put a bag over your head

What a pig!

Vinnie

No, no. It'll be tasteful. Your choice, my goddess, paper or plastic!?

Vinnie

What was the theme to your prom? "Geeks on Parade?"

We went with a statement for the times, "Peace, love and power to the people!"

Vinnie

Hmm. Very political. Yet groovy.

Vinnie

That's right -- a bachelor party. The one night when men get to-- no, are expected to act like disgusting pigs. Drinkin' and smokin' 'til they puke, all the while ogling scantily-clad women who prance merrily before them.

Doogie

What a lovely tradition.

Doogie

I'm not exactly the Venice type.

Vinnie

How do you know what type you are?

Doogie

I just know this is not me.

Howser, you don't know who you are. The only "you" you know is the you your father's been telling you is you since the day you were born.