“The Happiness Patrol” quotes from Doctor Who

Welcome to the Kandy Kitchen, gentlemen!

I'm sure the pleasure's all ours...

I do hope so. I like my volunteers to die with smiles on their faces.

Created as you are out of glucose-based substances, your joints need constant movement to avoid coagulation.

What do you mean?!

You're turning into a slab of toffee. I saw this at the planning stage, and then I realised what the solution was.

And what's that?

... I've forgotten.

Name?

I'm the Doctor. Haven't we met?

I'm sorry, that's classified information.

You're Trevor Sigma, aren't you?

Galactic Census Bureau, I ask the questions.

You ask the questions?

I'm sorry, that's classified information. Address?

Which one?

If you live here, I need a town and a street. If you're an alien, I need a home planet, except when you spend more than half the work year away, in which case I need a planet of origin.

That's classified information. Name?

What?

I ask the questions. Name!

Trevor Sigma.

Address?

Galactic Census.

What's happening Doctor?

Questionnaire. Occupation?

Galactic Census Bureau, authorised to enter all Alphan property and to interview all Alphans.

Good, take me to your leader.

Get back. Or he'll use the gun.

Yes, I imagine he will. You like guns, don't you?

This is a specialised weapon. It's designed for roof duty. Designed for long range. I've never used one up close before.

Let him go.

No.

No. In fact... let him come a little closer.

Stay where you are.

Why? Scared? Why should you be scared? You're the one with the gun.

That's right.

And you like guns, don't you?

He'll kill you.

Of course he will. That's what guns are for. Pull a trigger. End a life. Simple, isn't it?

Yes.

Makes sense, doesn't it?

Yes.

A life, killing life.

Who are you?

[To Sniper 2] Shut up. [To Sniper 1] Why don't you do it then? Look me in the eye. Pull the trigger. End my life.

No.

Why not?

I can't.

Why not?

I don't know.

You don't, do you. [The Doctor takes Sniper 1's gun and drops it off the roof. He turns to Sniper 2] Throw away your gun.

You're a nice guy Doctor, but a little weird.

Enough with the little...

And where are the Census Bureau going to send you next?

Earth. Have you been there?

Once or twice.

I hear it's a miserable sort of place.

You’re making me feel nostalgic.

Blissful, isn’t it, Doctor? Silence.

Aha, not quite. I can hear the sound of empires toppling.

Ace

I want to nail those scumbags, I want to make them very, very unhappy!