“BBC Continuity Announcers” quotes from Dead Ringers

This Sunday afternoon, there's football on One, tennis on Two, football on Three and cricket on Four. Welcome to Channel Five, for everyone who pretended they left their games kit on the bus!

Tonight on 4, we're setting aside acres of airtime to analyze the single-most important American event of the year. Yes, we've got The Simpsons. Yah, boo, sucks to you, BBC!

Next month on 4, a moving and thought-provoking documentary that looks at the effective decomposition on the human body after death. That's Too Dead to Wash, with Kim and Aggie!

All next week on ITV, we'll be screening unseen episodes of Trisha, which presumably could be any of them.

Now on ITV1, the first of a six-part fly on the wall documentary about Jordan and Peter Andre. No, I'm not joking, I only wish I were.

On the Frank Skinner Show this week, the singer Joss Stone and the football manager Ron Atkinson - where they both get to listen to the amusing anecdotes of special guest star, Frank Skinner.

Coming up this evening at 7:30 here on Five, there's House Doctor, then Hot Property, then House Busters, and then House Doctor again. Yeah, it's Friday night, we know you're in the pub, so we've put some programmes on for your house to watch while you're out!

Friday night on ITV, and Rosemary and Thyme! There's a big shock in store for our sleuthing duo when no-one gets murdered, and the ladies are forced to do some bloody gardening for a change. Get on your knees and get your hands dirty, you lazy old biddies!

So, here's the rest of the day's line-up: three identical programmes about people trying to sell their house, followed by five identical programmes about people being made to live with people they're not likely to get on with. And on the other four channels, exactly the same thing.

Imagine returns to BBC One this week, with an Arthur Miller special. America's most famous living playwright movingly discusses his early seminal work, his latest play, and his marriage to Marilyn Monroe. That's Phwoar, I gave her one! Yes really, I did!, Wednesday at 10:45.

You're watching BBC Four. Exciting, wasn't it? A five-hour documentary about Lech Wałęsa in Welsh.

Later on 4: Morgan and Platel, where an ex-Mirror editor and an ex-Tory spin doctor continue to spark debate around the country. Like 'if you could only punch one of them, which would it be?'

You're watching ITV1. Coronation Street goes all '24' this week with a series of programmes in real time! Viewers will be gripped as Jack Duckworth has only 24 hours to find and defuse one of Betty's hotpots!

Now here on 4, the Sex Inspectors, where a couple with difficulties in the boardroom get the chance to do the nasty on national television - while two experts get to point out to everyone what they're doing wrong. Frankly, I'd rather carry on being a crap shag!