(to Carla) You will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator. I mean, don't get me wrong, outside the hospital, Elliot with her hair up is a slammin' hottie. But in here, she's an asexual mess. And that's the natural order of things. And you don't mess with the natural order!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Okay, so I tried to get some x-rays back from the lab tech by making a kissy face, and he asked me if I had palsy!
Elliot, if you want to get ahead, you have to use what God gave ya!
Or in your case, what Dr. Fineberg gave you.
Exactly!
(to Carla) You have created a monster. Elliot did a little tongue dance in Franklyn's ear just to get him to do her labs before mine.
So she used her femininity! The only reason you usually get your lab-work back so fast is because you always pick Franklyn to play basketball even though he always shoots his foul shots granny-style.
Oh, I'll just be a sec. Dave, can I get an orange soda? I'm so hot and thirsty.
DDave
It's on me. (gives Elliot the orange soda)
IInterviewer
I'd like an orange soda too.
DDave
Oh, I'm sorry, that was the last one. How sad.
Okay! I put interview guy in the lounge and told him that Elliot was with a patient. Now. How we gonna fix this thing?
JJanitor
You're okay. The guy wanted an orange soda, right? We bring him an orange soda, maybe the whole thing goes away.
Okay, here's the plan: Jordan and I will take care of interview guy. Soft-Scrub, you can do whatever the hell you want.
JJanitor
I will.
(to Mr. Marks about J.D.) Boy, tell me about it. You know, I got this kid who constantly ignores my advice, and then flashes me the sad doe eyes every time I call him a girl's name or scream in his face.
MMr. Marks
Do you wanna sing about him?
No. Not ever.
(to Murray) Sometimes Dr. Cox is all over me, like every second of my life.
Why do you keep talking about your boss like he's your father?
Remember? Recently deceased dad?
Massive heart attack!
Yes! I mean, yes.
Elliot, wait! Elliot, you did your flirty manipulation thing in front of that guy in there, and now, well, he kinda thinks you're this despicable floozy ho excuse for a doctor!
JJanitor
(to the interviewer) Hey, buddy. I need you to reconsider Blonde Doctor. And I'm gonna tell you why. See, I'm the future Mr. Blonde Doctor? And I kinda need this to happen so that I can, uh... hey, over here. I need this to happen so that I can just hang out around the house and, you know, bake bread or... gab across the fence with neighbor Marge. Nice lady. Polish, I think. Doesn't matter, I'm not prejudiced.
IInterviewer
What the hell are you talking about?
JJanitor
Here's the thing: I need you to take this can of orange soda, turn, smile, and give Blonde Doctor a big thumb's up! Or, I'm gonna take the same orange soda, follow you down to the parking lot, and smash your head in with it.
Hey I just wanted to take a second to thank you, For constantly berating me doubting my abilities and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.
My pleasure.
Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.
Carla, have you seen Newbie?
Oh, he got off your leash?
Give me a break. The kid's like.... have you ever seen a drunk baby? It's a long story, involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say that it turns out at first it's endearing to watch them bounce off the walls, but man, you take your eyes off them for one second and bam! They've got a bucket on their head and they're plowing through your brand new flat screen TV. God save me, it was barely out of the box. The point is that Newbie is my drunk baby.
Elliot, if you need any help, just ask Dr. Diagnosis. You can be my sidekick! Bangs McCoy!
Saaaay... that was some real Nancy Drew work there... Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes, but damn amusing!
Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.
Did you somehow think that you weren't annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you, you ARE annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the Middleweight Annoyance Crown.
Well, you're the number one jealous weight for the jealous... weight jealous... champ.
HE'S DONE IT! HE'S DONE IT! DORIAN IS THE MOST - ANNOYING - MAN - IN THE WORLD! WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT, A JOURNEYMAN ANNOYER LIKE DORIAN?... [trails off as he leaves the room]
You are a close second!
Well?
It's blue. I'm not pregnant.
Ohh.
You know what's weird? I'm relieved, I just feel... kinda sad, because I think about how beautiful our son is and I... kinda wish it had gone the other way, you know? [She notices Cox is no longer there.] Sweetie?
[Cut to Cox running down the middle of a busy road, deliriously happy.]
SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT CAME OUT BLUE! IT'S BLUE! SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! IT'S BLUE! IT CAME OUT BLUE!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.