Of course I'm holding back, I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day when you told me I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every 15 minutes on the half hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobia phobic, I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice and yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up, are you happy?
PPaul
[deadpan] No. I am incredibly turned on.
[J.D. walks up to the Janitor, dragging Elliot by her arm]
I want you to tell her the truth, dammit, alright? Tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being.
[A small boy is standing next to the Janitor]
Oh my God, J.D.! [leaves]
I-I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't even see him there...
JJanitor
No. I'm glad he heard it. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.
...I'm so sorry. [walks away ashamed]
JJanitor
[to kid] Who the hell are you? ...Go on, beat it. Scram! ...Alright, stick around.
I decided to take Jamie out on a date.
You know, Tasty Coma Wife?
Nice job there, Hooch. I tell you what: You give me some prep time, and I'll rig it so the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting right next to you. Whaddaya say?
[In J.D.'s fantasy, Mr. Moyer appears from over his shoulder]
MMr. Moyer
I'm free, and I love Italian.
[cuts back to reality]
I can't believe you, Bambi!
Oh, Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin...
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND SHUT UP, OK?! Who are you people to give me advice about anything?! All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long! [to Dr. Cox] And you know what, glare all you want, big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. [mimicking Cox] "Oh no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!" That must be so hard for "Dr. Look-At-Me", isn't it? "LOOK AT ME!" [to Turk and Carla] And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? [to Elliot] And you! Y-you know what, let's just — let's just forget for one second, that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. [to everyone] Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is that while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!
[He storms out. Laverne walks in]
Did I miss something good?
[angrily, to computer] Work. I hate you. You suck.
I know, but I've been trying harder lately—
Barbie? Talking to the computer, but nice self esteem.
PPaul
Hey cowboy, how about you back off the little lady, and we'll all agree that you're really, really scary.
Look Flowers, I know your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week, and congrats on that, really. But if you're gonna go ahead and have a showdown with everyone who hassles her, you two won't have time for that sweet, Aryan sex that you love so much. Hit the bricks, towheads.
[referring to a broken computer] Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?
You know the deal around here: if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced.
Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody stop me!
Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
JJanitor
When did you see my penis?
Last night when you were showering.
JJanitor.
Where were you?
Oh, I was outside in the bushes.
Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out of the window you would've seen MY penis, you know.
Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!
Oh gosh, Shannon! Thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word! Now, in a reciprocal gesture, could I be included in the planning of your coming out party?
No, it’s a cotillion joke. My god, newbie! It’s been two furiously frustrating years! How is it possible that you still don’t get me? I would never compare you to the gays! I like the gays! I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they’ve done with Halloween! But our thing is that you’re a little girl! That’s who you are! But maybe that's not fair...
[narration] Nothing can stop Dr. Cox when he's on a roll like this...
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the whole "It's your baby" thing.
You know, the funny thing is, I wasn't even mad at Jordan.
No. I was scared, because I'm quite confident that I'm going to be a terrible father.
You? You're going to be a very scary... I mean, great father. Like last night, when you totally kicked our asses because we deserved it. Ad do you remember that time when you told me I wasn't the worst resident who ever lived?
You mean, like, eight seconds ago?
You have no idea what that meant to me.
I said I think you might not be the worst resident of all time. But I can't be sure of that. I mean, c'mon, I haven't done the appropriate legwork.
Dr. Cox, you're always there when we need you. I think you've got this fathering thing down. [they look over at Kelso, who is berating Elliot until she is near tears] See, if she was your daughter, you'd totally know how to handle it.
[Cox walks up to Kelso and knocks him out with one punch]
You're doing fine there, Barbie.
Everybody have a good one! [smiles warmly at Elliot] I'm going home to see my son. [steps over Kelso] 'Scuse me, there, Bobbo.
[narration] That may come up tomorrow.
