[Narration.] Oh, God, the ex-wife.
Jordan. What a coincidence. You were in my dream last night. I can’t say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake. You, right?
Mmm hmm. [Laughs.] Say, let’s play a game. I’ll throw out an adjective describing how one of you is in bed, and you guys try to guess who it is.
Remember, I had no idea she was your ex at the time.
Don’t answer that, Newbie.
No worries. [Leans on a trolley, and falls over.]
Goodbye, Jordan. Sandy. [Kicks J.D. as he steps over him.]
You know it's J.D.! You know, at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners!
Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morningwood are both extremely grateful. Yeah. [Walks off.]
[Quietly.] Camp Meadow Wood. I made a lanyard.
Hey, so what attendings are stuck here on call tonight?
Everyone’s at that Kelso thing.
No, he went home, but he said that Carol could cover for him.
Is Carol the one with the really firm butt?
It’s disturbing how obsessed you are with your own butt.
Come on, you guys are missing the point. No one is here tonight but us. We are running this hospital.
Dr. Kelso, how can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
The question is, how can I make love to her if she's not at fat camp?
[Dr. Cox disapproves of J.D. currying Kelso's favor]
You know, I don't care what you think.
I know. Look, I wanna be like you... but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what, in 10 years, when I'm your boss, I'll put in a good word for you and you won't even have to ask... sir.
J Janitor
I always get this way in the fall, you know? Summer’s gone, the days are shorter. It just makes me feel so... what’s the word?
J Janitor
Yes, that’s it. I’m a janitor, so I couldn’t think of the word ‘sad.’ I was gonna say ‘it makes me feel so mop.’
J Janitor
Go ahead. I’m mopping.
Maybe I shouldn’t bother.
J Janitor
Maybe you mopn’t.
Come on now, Barbie. You keep going down this road, you’re gonna go up to the roof of the hospital and jump the hell off. Mind you, it’s only five stories high, so that means you’ll just wind up back down here, where I, of course, will be the one who has to treat you, and then I’ll be forced to jump off the roof of this hospital, which, as I was suggesting to you, is only five stories high. And are you starting to see a pattern forming here?
A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.
Oh my God, you cut off someone's nose?! Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.
No, I just gave him IV imipenem.
Kelso’s gonna blame me. Just get rid of the nose.
Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should just calm down—
MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN!!
When you speak of this, and I know you will, can I be shirtless? I think it would be more impressive if I was shirtless.
You don't want to get on Bambi's bad side, and suffer the wrath of Bambi!
So, you slept with my little brother. If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, take a sip.
[Elliot takes a sip]
Well, ok, ask me if she could be better. [drains glass] What? Thirsty!
[aside to Dan] I wasn't thirsty.
Plomox is the most effective antiarrhythmic drug on the market right now, and it has minimal side effects — only nausea, impotence, and anal leakage.
[smiling] I'm gettin' two out of three just from this conversation!
So, this is romantic... the two of us, full moon...
Homeless guy pissing on a dumpster...
So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
It's not like you haven't had sex with other people. Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...
Would you get off my ex-wife?
[laughs] Dammit, gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.
[a doctor is being arrested]
J Janitor
Yep, they got him, and he's gonna pay.
They're actually arresting someone for stealing pudding and toilet paper?
J Janitor
No, they found 20 bottles of Vicodin in his backpack. [suspiciously] Did you steal pudding and toilet paper?
[nervously] W-what? No! I hate pudding, and I don't use toilet paper... [pauses] I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Hey, Dr. Cox! You’ll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient, that you did for yours.
Oh, my God, I care so little, I almost passed out.
Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded. I pronounced him.
I certainly hope so. Otherwise that autopsy is gonna be a bitch!
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