“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

J.D.

[voiceover] Oh, God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it; say something, anything! [aloud] Banana hammock!

I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.

J.D.

[holding up mistletoe] Who put this up!?

I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 a.m. shift just... looking for that—trying to add a little cheer.

J.D.

I was just trying to—

Oh, I know exactly what you're trying to do. But you will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year. [leaves]

J.D.

But I've only worked here for three months.

Does this big metal contraption make me look fat?

J.D.

More chunky than fat.

Elliot

Dr Cox! I got the Kayexalate and I pulled all the X-rays you asked for, so I am yours for the night, do whatever you want with me. [Cox makes a face.] Oh, my God, um, that totally came out wrong. I just, I meant that I want you to use me and I don’t care how degrading it is.

What?

Elliot

No, no. No. It’s just that, I know that you like torturing people and I am totally up for that. [Cox looks at her.] I just wanna make you happy.

Laverne

Marshmallow, hush.

Turk

Okay, it's true, I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.

Todd

Well, then, how do you get them to sleep with you?

Elliot

Listen, Carla, I can't even pretend that I can give you tips on intercourse...

Carla

I got one for you: stop calling it that.

Elliot

My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I just think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.

Carla

That poor shrink.

J.D.

[about to sleep with his girlfriend for the first time] Remember when the new Star Wars movie came out? It was all built up, and when people finally saw it, it wasn't that great in bed?

Lookit, Newbie: Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned in to a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do; Barbie, here, still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs....

[continuing] ...And addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat, and steal just to get a fix.

[affecting a womanly voice] ...Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart, you're gonna be late for school— Aw, you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?! [leaves]

Elliot

My mom says they frame my face.

J.D.

They don't.

Why did I become a doctor? Well gosh, I guess it's because ever since I was a little boy I just wanted to help people. You know, I don't tell this story often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest, so I picked him up and I brought him home and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox and... oh my God! [breaks up laughing] I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: chicks, money, power, and chicks. But, since HMOs have made it virtually impossible to make any real money, which directly affects the number of chicks that come sniffin' around, and don't ask me what tree they're barking up, 'cause they're sure as hell not pissing on mine, and as far as power goes, well: Here I am during my free time letting some thirteen-year-old psychology fellow who couldn't cut it in real medicine ask me questions about my personal life, so here's the inside scoop there, pumpkin, why don't you go ahead and tell me all about power.

Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line is: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.

Girl problems?

J.D.

How'd you know?

You look like you got problems. You're a girl. Hence, girl problems. Watch your nails.

Listen up, Newbie, if you don't open up that door on the count of three, I will start huffing and puffing!

J.D.

[narration] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the only thing to do is to think of someone that I look up to and remember how they first got through to me.

Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs [points to his head]. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, oh it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.

Skip away, skip away, skip away [J.D. skips a little], skip, skip, skip to my lou, whoo hoo!

Turk

Okay, so you're having a little trouble asking out Kristen. There's no shame in it.

Whoa there, Curly, I got no problem asking a woman out. Watch this. [to a passing woman] Wanna have a drink sometime?

No.

Good. [to Turk] See? I'm fine over here.

Carla

Hey Bambi, you know Mr. Simon made one of the night nurses cry?

J.D.

Which one?

Carla

Frank.

J.D.

Frank used to be a Navy SEAL!