(in the movie theater while Madea's Next Movie is playing)
Will you niggas, PLEASE shut the hell up?!! I'm tryin' to watch this piece of (Beep) movie?!!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
(Talking to Weggie Rudlin after his failed attempt at committing suicide)
Oh, what's the point? What's the point in living if there's nothin' to look forward to but just a life full of rap music and fo'ty ounces? What am I supposed to do now, huh? Be somebody's baby daddy? Hang out on the corner all day and night, shootin' dice, cops chasin' me all the time? My body ain't made to handle a stun gun, ain't got but two or three shows I could identify with.
Ruckus, you make a very compelling argument, but I know that you're gonna get through this.
Huh, is this what I'm supposed to be readin' now? This? The Vibe, The Source, JET? You call this a magazine? Look at this! This is a pamphlet! Field & Stream, National Review, Soldier of Fortune, THOSE are magazines! This is a brochure! Ebony, they should call this "National Geographic but the photos are better. And Essence?! Essence of what? Essence of ugliness!
Ruckus, we have a saying in BET, we hate black people and I know you share that same sentiment. But I've learned how I could use my blackness against the black race. Look at BET, you think we'd put this shit on the air because it's entertaining? You think we sit down and say, "Hey, let's be entertaining? How about a Baldwin Hills reality show?". I have good taste, Gregory Hines is entertaining, Sammy Davis Jr. he's entertaining. You think I can relate to anything these young niggas have to say? No! We air this shit because we despise our audience! Are there other ways to make money? Yes, of course. Yes, yes. But they all require more work, this is easy. The only people who suffer, the only people who suffer, Ruckus, are black children. I think we both could live with that.
Weggie Rudlin, you sho' do have profound insights. but I don't know, I just don't think I could stand life as a darkie.
JWJeremiah Wright
I say, motherfuck America! Motherfuck America's mother! Motherfuck America's daddy! America can eat a dick! America can lick the balls!
What about the Ivory Coast?
ABSOLUTELY NO AFRICA! NO WAY! ALL THEM COUNTRIES GOT NIGGER PRESIDENTS!
(Uncle Ruckus is crying on the porch after hearing Obama win the election)
Why Lord?!
SGSgt. Gudda
(his response to Thugnificent's opinion of him on the radio) Hey, dawg. First off, I wanna say that I'm a huge fan of Thugnificent, I grew up listinin' to Thugnificent. Matter of fact, I'd even go ahead, as far, to say that I love this nigga, no homo. He's one of the real niggas that made me wanna do this shit. (A second of silence; Thugnificent is pretty amazed to hear what Sgt. Guddda said about him so far.) But fuck this old ass nigga, man! (He laughs; Thugnificent's amazement gives way to a "WTF" expression.) This old nigga is old enough to be my dad, and he tellin' me to eat a dick? Nigga, what's wrong wit' you?! You a grown-ass man and you tellin' a fifteen-year-old to eat a dick? I know yo' mother raised you better than that, dawg. Matter of fact- (he dials on the phone) Excuse me, is this Mrs. Jenkins?
?"Mrs. Jenkins"
(over phone) Yes it is.
SGSgt. Gudda
My name is Sgt. Gudda. (Thugnificent is now shocked.) I dunno if you aware, but yo' son said some very rude things about me on the radio.
?"Mrs. Jenkins"
(over phone) Yes, I know. He said some very rude things and he's too old to be actin' like dat, and I don't like him usin' that language, either. You know, one time I--
SGSgt. Gudda
(pressing the hold button on the phone) That was yo' mamma, nigga, yo' mamma. (Thugnificent is now furious over this.) Grow yo' old ass up, nigga! I hope you go broke, you fill me? I hope that IRS is on their way over right now to take yo' shit, nigga.
EWEd Wuncler Sr.
Who the fuck are you?!
JJingmei
I am Jingmei! I come from Tibet! I wanted to beat the Chinese oppressors in kickball!
EWEd Wuncler Sr.
Why?
JJingmei
I hate fucking Chinese!
JRJimmy Rebel
These are autographed copies my albums. Coonsville.
[offended] Hey!
JRJimmy Rebel
Welfare Queen and Cadillac King, Help Me, I'm Surrounded By Coons, Don't Let Your Niglets Grow Up To Be Niggers, I Almost NAACP'd Myself, Spooks of Hazard, Black Toads and Ghettos, How 'Bout Those Crack Babies, Nigger, Stay Outta My Wife and Niggers Don't Die, They Just Smell Like One.
[extremely angry] Aw, fuck this shit! Ok, that's enough! Get that redneck son of a bitch outta my house!
[Granddad kicks Jimmy and Ruckus out of the house]
[Rufus Crabmiser, Lady Esmeralda, and George Pissedofferson arrive at the gas station]
Oh hell no! What ya'll want, nigga? Hurry up, I haven't got all day.
RCRufus Crabmiser
We looking for a place called Woodcrest, is this it?
Maybe. Look you want gas or not?
RCRufus Crabmiser
We're looking for a man.
Oh yeah, I guess we are. You looking for the number man or the weed man or the welfare man!
RCRufus Crabmiser
No the man I was looking for is named Freeman, Robert Freeman.
OH HELL NO, I KNEW IT! You relate to Robert Freeman?
[Rufus, Esmeralda, and George look at each other, then back to Ruckus]
RCRufus Crabmiser
So you know him?
Yeah I know him. But Woodcrest don't need no more color. We got our color quota filled. So ya'll get to steppin, get in that piece of shit car, turn it around and head back to the road, crusty the coon.
RCRufus Crabmiser
Why don't you just tell me where Robert is before I put 5 [crack his knuckle with brass knuckle] cross your lips, you big black dummy!
Yeah! Start talking, you one eye fish eyed fool.
GPGeorge Pissedofferson
Hey, we don't have all night. Buffalo Butt.
I ain't scared of decrypted negros, COME ON! [Rufus come toward Uncle Ruckus] NO NO! [All three start attack Ruckus]
CSColonel Stinkmeaner (narrating)
Gimmes dis shit, lil' nigga! It's my story! Now my boy, Lord Rufus Crabmiser [point at the screen], Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty [give the middle finger at viewer], and Mister George Pissedofferson met at the Better Passions Retirement Home. Now we hate each other right away; but we hated everyone else, even more.
OOld Lady
Oh, Yum!
[Colonel Stinkmeaner steal Jello from the old lady]
Swiped! [slurp] Jello jacked nigga!
[The Hateocracy laugh]
OOld Lady
Not again!
[The Hateocracy continue laughing while Rufus Crabmiser cough]
[In bingo hall]
BHBingo Host
A-9, A-9.
[Colonel Stinkmeaner kick the door open and interrupt bingo party]
[everyone gasp]
Ha Ha! Bingo, sucka!
[The Hateocracy walk toward to the Bingo Host]
Bitch, turn yo ass around and look at your damn card.
Now What the fuck do I win, nigga!
BHBingo Host
A er... subscription to reader digest!
[Colonel Stinkmeaner snatch the subscription filer]
GIMME DAT SHIT, NIGGA!
[A old lady walking at the hallway until the Hateocracy riding wheelchair ramming and bumping anyone over and headed to the old lady]
(laugh) MOVE OUT DA WAY, BITCH!
[The Hateocracy ran over a old lady]
OOld Lady
(groan)
[Retirement Owner and staff throw Hateocracy's Bag on the street]
CSColonel Stinkmeaner (narrating)
Eventually; they couldn't take us no more and they kick us the fuck out. My crew roamed the earth whooping niggas asses for a decade. [The Hateocracy grabs the bags and leaves] And then we split up. Colonel H. Stinkmeaner-
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner died years later in a street fight with Robert Freeman from Woodcrest.
Hey, th-that's me!
BBBushido Brown
That bullshit-ass toilet you bought just broke!
You mean it won't flush?
BBBushido Brown
Did I say it won't flush? The hands-free cleaning system won't work! I told you to get the Tushioki 2200 series. You got the 1100 series, and the 1100 series is some bullshit!
Well, they didn't have the 2200 series.
BBBushido Brown
That's your problem. You'd better have a replacement before I have to take a shit again.
Well, what if I can't get the replacement in time?
BBBushido Brown
Hey, I don't care if you wipe it, but Bushido Brown don't wipe his own ass.
(shocked, speechless) Nigga, did you just tell me to wipe your ass?
[Bushido Brown grins smugly at him.]
That's it! You fired!
BBBushido Brown
(shocked) You firing Bushido Brown?
You heard me! You and all these raggedy motherfuckers you brought with you get the fuck on! I'm sick of this shit.
[After Granddad fires Bushido Brown, he and his advisors are packing their belongings and leaving.]
BBBushido Brown
Now you do understand there's no refunds for early termination on our agreement.
Whatever, nigga. Beat it.
[He opens the door to find the Hateocracy standing in his driveway, and gasps in shock upon seeing this.]
(running after Bushido Brown) Wait! I changed my mind!
BBBushido Brown
Too late, old man. Too. Late. Now if you want to hire me again, I might be available.
Okay, fine.
BBBushido Brown
For double the fee.
Double the fee?! But I've already paid you!
BBBushido Brown
Hey! This ain't a negotiation. Take it or leave it.
RCRufus Crabmiser
If I was you, I'd take it.
(annoyed) Okay, fine, dammit.
[Bushido take his coat and toss at the front door walk toward to Hateocracy, Robert caught his coat]
RCRufus Crabmiser
Ah-ha yes! The Legendary Bushido Brown, the greatest black karate man that ever lived.
BBBushido Brown
That Grandmaster Bushido Brown!
RCRufus Crabmiser
Of course it is.
[Bushido Brown prepare to fight while Esmeralda and George come near him]
Come on, Boy! Come on! I ain't scare of you!
(to Riley from upstairs; off-screen) Shut the hell up before I come down there and beat you 'til you pee on yourself again!
[After Dr. Doomis dropped Lamilton Taeshawn off the roof of the school out of Riley's hands, which caused him to fall to his death...]
You killed him.
DDr. Doomis
He deserved to die.
[looks down from the roof and gasps] He's... gone. [turns to the right and notices Lamilton limping away, still alive] No, wait. He's right there.
DDr. Doomis
He's still alive?! [Lamilton turns around and glares at him] No! No! [jumps off the roof] Aah! [lands on Lamilton as Grandad and Riley, but Huey look away and see Doomis grabbing Lamilton while he tries to escape] You're the spawn of Satan! I must destroy you!
LLamilton
[punches him in the face, releasing him] Get off me! [Doomis grabs him and pins him down] Somebody call my grandmother! You're not supposed to be within 100 yards!
Well, that's that. Let's go home. [He, Huey, and Riley leave the roof]
BBoy
[to Riley] Yo, man. You got a cigarette?
[Riley turns his head with a blank expression]
[episode ends]
(To Riley about the messy living room) Jesus! Boy, look at you. All you do is lay around here and watch TV and eat my food and breathe my air, just as lazy as you can be. Go out and do something.
What am I supposed to do? I ain't got no money!
Well, try getting up off your ass and cleaning up my living room. You lucky President Obama is not here to see this! You're lazy, you need a hobby or something!
Give me an allowance and I'll find a good hobby.
Allowance?! I allow you to live here. I allow you to eat my food! I allow you to burn up my electricity!
I mean a money allowance.
Well, how about this? Trash is starting to stink, and guess what? You're allowed to take it out. Hee-hee-hee.
(voice over) I was a loser. I might as well been dead.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.