(regarding Gangstalicious)
Riley He's gay. (pause) Isn't he?
And I was his biggest fan. That makes me gay, don't it?
(pauses briefly, taking the cheap shot) ...Yep.
(Riley breaks down into tears)
(to himself, quietly) I know it's wrong. But I really want my own room.
(Huey walks to the door, and leaves just as Grandad walks in.)
Take it easy on him, Grandad. He's just -- tryin to come to terms with it.
(Grandad kneels down next to Riley to console him.)
(pitifully) Grandad... I think I might be....
...I might be.... (breaks into sobs)
(Grandad hugs Riley as they both cry)
It's OK, it's OK. Oh. You're a gay! Boy! How did that be, how did that happen....
DLDeborah Leevil
Our leader, Bob Johnson had a dream. A dream of creating a network that would accomplish what hundreds of years of slavery, Jim Crow, and malt liquor couldn't: THE DESTRUCTION OF BLACK PEOPLE! Is that so hard?
(Rollo Goodlove holds a rally which Huey attends. Various men can be heard yelling during the speech)
RRollo
Brothas and sistas! I said, brothas and sistas! I don't know what this world is coming to! (Yeah!) But if you ask me what I think about BET, I tell you with no shame: BET sucks! (SUCK DAT DICK!... SUCKS!) I say that because, when I sit and watch BET, my dignity is sucked away. And, uh, my pride is sucked away. (Everything is sucked away!) And the promise we made, for the freedom struggle over the last five decades, is sucked. Away. (IT SUUUCKS!) Now, brothas and sistas! We are here today, because we're not gon' let BET suck anymore from us! I say stand up and tell 'em, I will not be afraid none to yo' foolishness! I'm free! (FREE!) And I will not be captured by yo' ignorance, because I'm free! And I will NOT be trapped, in yo' Negro-fied matrix either! Because I am...FREE.
Granddad, what do you do when you can't do nothing, but there's nothing you can do?
MBMale BET Employee
I've got a question.
Of course you do, you didn't go to Harvard.
I wake up about a quarter of five in the A.M. every morning. That's about 12 more hours before most niggas wake up. Heh, heh.
Now one of the great pleasures of my day is taking these pretty little white children to school in the morning. Hey there, Mister Billy how ya doin?
BBilly
(rudely past Uncle Ruckus and boarding the school bus) Move outta my way, fat boy!
I keep the bus nice and clean for them. These kids- oh excuse, 'scuse me. (sees blonde little girl walking towards the school bus). Oh hello Miss Madison.
MMadison
(rudely walking past Uncle Ruckus and boarding the school bus) Whatever.
There's my little sunshine. (spots Huey and Riley) Whoa, whoa hold it there! (waving hand-held metal detector around them) Where's the gun huh?
Where's the gun, huh? Go on, git, git! Get outta here! Go do your little hifey-fifey dances and nigga monkey shuffle somewhere else! This here bus is for kids with a future!
(Huey and Riley angrily walk to school together)
(drives the school bus up to Huey and Riley) That's right, that's right, get your lazy asses some exercise! Y'all should just grow up to be rappers, get into a beef and then shoot each other! Ah, ha, ha, ha!
(drives past Huey and Riley)
(While cleaning a urinal in the men's room in J. Edgar Hoover Elementary School)
People say there's no difference between the races. But I tell ya what that I've been cleaning bathrooms for a long time and I can say that white man (Beep) don't smell the same as black African (Beep). See, the white man just got a better liver,white man eats his meat raw. See that's healthier, he calls it tartar. (A white male gets out of a bathroom stall with his pants halfway down) Now how you doin' on this fine day sir? (White male becomes uneasy,stammers and his pants fall down, exposing his boxer shorts) May I say your dookie smells like sparkling ice water with a twist of lime. (White male exits men's room with his pants still halfway down). See? That's why he don't have to wash his hands neither! Yes sir, white man has impeccable hygiene.
(To Ruckus after finding out he is part-Scottish according to a DNA test)
I mean, why should Alex Haley be the only person to discover their roots, ya know? (laughs)
Uh, I'm sorry. Alex what?
Ya know, Alex Haley. Roots.
Roots? What is that some kinda gardening show?
You're joking, right? Roots, ya know Roots.
Roots, Roots, Roots! You never heard of Roots, the mini-series? (to Jazmine) Come here honey. (picks up Jazmine) Hold on. Aaaaaah. (holds up Jazmine to the sky) Roots!
I dunno nothin' bout' whatchu talkin' about.
Mistress Leevil (to male BET employee):Uh, what network do you work for?
MBMale BET Employee
B.E.T.
MLMistress Leevil
And what does that stand for?
MBMale BET Employee
Black Entertainment-(interrupted mid-sentence)
MLMistress Leevil
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Black Evil Television. It's not enough that the shows are bad, they have to be evil as well. Send in my evil HENCHMEN! (camera cuts to a tall, large black man bald man dressed in black with a black female dressed in black with an afro and large gold hoop earrings) These are my evil henchmen, Big Nigga and Crazy Bitch. Big Nigga, Crazy Bitch, teach this person the meaning of black and evil. (Male BET employee and Weggie Rudlin collectively gasp in fear)
CBCrazy Bitch
Oh no dis nigga didn't!
MBMale BET Employee
No! Mistress Leevil, PLEASE! (Big Nigga marches up to him and grabs him by his afro) We're making more evil, I promise!! (Big nigga puts him in a chokehold)
CBCrazy Bitch
Oh HELL no, this mothafucker gonna pay! (takes off her earrings)
MBMale BET Employee
Weggie, PLEASE SAVE ME!! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!
CBCrazy Bitch
YAAAAAAAA!!! (runs up to Male BET Employee and proceeds to slash him while Weggie looks in horror and then looks away as if he was unaffected amidst Mistress Leevil's maniacal laughter and the blood splattered on her and on the walls of the boardroom)
Mistress Leevil (after the boardroom quiets down): Weggie Rudlin!
Weggie Rudlin (nervously): Agh, aaaaagh! Huh?
MLMistress Leevil
This Uncle Ruckus show, how's it going?
Weggie Rudlin (nervously): Huh uhhhhhhh (voice changes in pitch).. Great! F-fantastic!
MLMistress Leevil
Is it evil?
MLMistress Leevil
I hope so, Weggie, for your sake. ( calmly wipes off blood splatter from her face). 'Cause if it's not evil then, you know what's gonna happen. By happening I mean killed or at least very seriously injured sooo, so, you know, just make sure it's evil.
I got somethin' for a fraternity for niggas. A fraternity of bananas up a tree! (barks like a dog, then laughs). Black fraternities should have a name, like boogedy boogedy! Hey, I got a black fraternity for ya, it's called prison! Jail Fi Jail, nigga!
(after finding out his DNA results came up as him being 102% African with a 2% marginal error)
(sighs) Well,I'm black now. So the first thing I did was quit all my jobs, I dunno how I'm supposed to pay all the bills. Probably have to start selling crack, or rappin' or rappin' 'bout selling crack. Ya know, I probably might not even have re-vitiligo.
(Knocks on The Freeman's door and Huey answers it)
Uncle Ruckus (sighs dejectedly): Okay, I'm black. What am I supposed to do now?
(while playing checkers with Robert at the park)
Oh, we probably gonna die any second now from one of these conditions and diseases niggas get. You name it, diabetes, gout, high blood pressure, asthma, sickle cell (Robert interrupts mid-sentence)...
Oh, Ruckus stop. This is all in your damn head,you the exact same fool you were last week. You were black then,you're black now and you're gonna be black tomorrow.(Ruckus sighs dejectedly) Ain't nothin' wrong with being black and if you give it a chance you might actually like it, Hmmm? Mmm hm?
(Cut to Robert and Uncle Ruckus at a Foot Locker)
Ruckus, what are we doing here?
Well, this is what niggas do,right? Buy sneakers, then maybe later we'll buy loud stereos and be-rate women in rap lyrics. (looks at a display hi-top sneaker with visible shock absorbers). Is this the shit you niggas wear nowadays? This look like a damn astronaut shoe! I'm black, I'm not walkin' to the moon! I'm walkin' to the liquor store!
LeeBron James, Allen Iverson,can I get a shoe named after a white man, PLEASE?! (spots a young black male Foot Locker employee) 'Scuse me, darkie in the zebra shirt! Can I get a Bruce Jenner sneaker?
Man, to hell with this bullshit, you on your own! (walks out of the Foot Locker, leaving Ruckus behind).
I'm not leavin' here 'till I get me a shoe named after a white man! John Stockton, Pistol Pete Maravich, ANYBODY!
(cut to the Barbershop)
Barber (while cutting a male client's hair): Now I'm ain't sayin' I like the Democrats, but I don't and they sho' as hell don't know what the (Beep) they doin'. Now the Republicans, now they done (Beeped) the country up to hell!
OSOff-screen patron
Sho' did!
BBarber
Nigga, look at Iraq! President over there, killin' black folks,wish they would send me to Iraq. I'd like to tell that motha(Beep)' Bush to kiss my black ass!
(angrily gets up from his chair) Now, that's enough, that's enough! Time out negroes, time out! I can't sit here and let y'all bad mouth my president. Did any of y'all niggas hear the president when he said Iraq was central to the global war on terror? Or did y'all miss it because he wasn't speakin' in baboon? Rababab rabbaba ba! Instead of sittin' here and choppin' off the brillo off each other's heads,y'all should take your black asses TO Iraq AND HELP FIGHT FOR OUR FREEDOM!(all the patrons and barbers are stunned and silent)A li'l more off the sides please. (gets kicked out of the barber shop) Damn go-rilla terrorists.
(in BET Torture Lab/Chamber)
White Scientist (laying strapped to gurney wearing only his boxer shorts): Just what is going on?!! WHY have you kidnapped me?!
WRWedgie Rudlin
And now, doctor we will now discuss your methods of DNA testing. (laughs evilly)
WSWhite Scientist
No, PLEASE! NOOO!
(Wedgie presses button to turn on ray machine, but after machine starts up, the whole room goes into a power outage).
WRWedgie Rudlin
(Beep)! Why does this always happen when we try to use the GODDAMN TORTURE MACHINE?!!Can somebody PLEASE get the power back on so we use the torture machine?!!
Male BET Employee (off-screen) : I think somebody forgot to pay the bill, Weggie.
WRWedgie Rudlin
WILL SOMEONE PAY THE (Beeping) BILL?!!
