Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
We feel that Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Rugged? The man’s a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days! By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothin' more than a shrunken head.
Hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, V, in relation to the trajectory, T, in which G, gravity, of course, remains a constant. [hits a home run] It's not complicated.
Now, who are you again?
George Costanza. Assistant to the Traveling Secretary.
[hits another home run]
Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
Do you want to talk about hotels or do you want to win some ball games?
Hey, we won the World Series.
[derisively] In six games. [hits another home run]
You had more bread?
That's not the point. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.
Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
I was handcuffed to the bed... In my underwear, where I remained... [Scene cuts to another story] She was attractive... She was, also, in fact, a Nazi... [Cuts to another story] The water... that I had been swimming in was... very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was... significant shrinkage... [Scene cuts to another story] Her parents were looking at me... So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole... In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. [Gets up] Thank you. [George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing... ] Oh, also... my fiancé died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. [Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members] Thanks again.
Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.
Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?
Well, not here. [Goes into the hallway, comes back in with a huge bag]
Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?
Well, it's chicken feed. [stuffs the bag into the fridge]
I sense something is afoot.
Yeah, I bought a chicken.
Allow me. Why?
Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.
Allow me. What are you, an idiot?
So he just shaves his head for no reason?
That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!
Jerry You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?
And we want you to have the money.
I don't need the money.
What're you talking about? You had a check bounce at the bodega.
Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a check and you sold a Cadillac?!
Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. [digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping] It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with Def Jam and all.
Yeah, that Def Jam is a force.
Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program.
Oh my god.
Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.
You're saying I stand to inherit $300,000, is that what you're saying?
Of course, you may not see it for 20 years.
20 years... that long?
Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?
Unfortunately, yes.
How's your family history?
I have an aunt that died at age seven.
Really?
Aunt Baby.
Listen to the comeback: "Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you."
[Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer stare blankly at him]
Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
How 'bout this one? How 'bout, "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."?
What does that mean?
Hey, here you go: "Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six."
No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.
Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?
Me?
Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman. When there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on throats.
Oh, come on.
Situation number four: You're breathing on your own you're conscious, but with no muscular function.
Well, would I be able to communicate? I don't see how. I don't like the sound of this one.
Yeah, let's pull the cord, huh? Yank it like you're starting a mower.
Moving on.
You have liver, kidneys and gallbladder but no central nervous system.
Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.
Okay.
One lung, blind, and you're eating through a tube.
No, that's not my style.
Who was the last president to have a beard?
Nixon.
No, I mean a real thick beard.
His was thick.
No, I mean like a full long beard like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.
Falkmore.
Who?
Artemis N. Falkmore.
You made that up, right?
Yeah. But it sounds like a president name, doesn't it?
Yeah. Why do presidents all have these bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard
The presidency attracts the badly named. Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. It's a classic male overcompensation.
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!
[on an answering machine, sung to the tune of Greatest American Hero]
Believe it or not,
George isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone,
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not home.
I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.
[after Jerry's girlfriend's toothbrush got knocked into the toilet] You still couldn't kiss her?
She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.
Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.
Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.
Jer, do you see where this is going?
Being really clean and happy?
Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.
Disorder?
And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.
[thoughtful] Hmm, that could hurt me.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
