Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! [pushes Elaine out the door and closes it] All right, now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
Not from the footage I've seen.
Elaine, you've tested positive for opium.
What?
That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally!
...
I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was traveling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown. All of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste" he said. That was all it took.
Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.
Oh, Elaine, the toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have till 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired.
Susan has this doll collection, and one of the dolls looks exactly like my mother. She likes to sleep with it.
Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?
Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. It's freakin' me out, man.
Frank here, he's got his own billiard room.
Yes, It's, uh, it's... uh, uh... What do you call it, Kramer?
A billiard room.
No, not billiard. Not billiards. It was... come on, already. Come on...
What?
We call it... the, uh...
[snaps fingers] "The Place To Be!"
"The Place To Be!" Yes! It's the place to be.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you asking him out?
Yeah... I guess you could say that..
Right in front of me! How do you know we're not together? Two guys sitting, laughing, drinking "Champagne Coolies."
I'm telling you right now, Elaine, this guy's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.
[after smelling the calzones] Constanza is in the building! And he's not in his office! Constanza! He's got the calzone! I've got you! [runs out of his office]
Hey, buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.
You got your shirt in my oven?
I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. Anyway, this is better. And it's more convenient.
[ironically] For both of us.
And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for ten minutes at 325 degrees.
What's wrong with your oven?
I'm baking a pie!
It's the truck, Kramer. The truck!
Look, Newman, I told you to let this thing go.
No, no, no, no no. Listen to me. Most days, the post office sends one truckload of mail to the second domestic regional sorting facility in Saginaw, Michigan.
(interested) Uh-huh.
But, on the week before holidays, we see a surge. On Valentine's Day, we send two trucks. On Christmas, four, packed to the brim. And tomorrow, if history is any guide, will see some spillover into a fifth truck.
(realization) Mother's Day.
The mother of all mail days. And guess who signed up for the truck.
A free truck? Oh boy, that completely changes our cost structure. Our G and A goes down fifty percent.
(excited) We carry a couple of bags of mail, and the rest is ours!
Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!
(triumph) Let the collecting begin!
No, Daddy, don't hurt him! I love him! Goodbye, Norman! Goodbye!
[fixing up his pants] Yeah... Look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh?
You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time.
Yeah, well, I was a different man then.
With a different body.
Hey, I got the body of a... taut, preteen Swedish boy.
Hey, uh... what'd you get there?
I bought Dungarees.
Kramer, they're painted on!
Well, they're slim-fit.
Slim-fit?
Yeah, they're streamlined.
You're walkin' like Frankenstein!
What? They just gotta be worked in a little bit, that's all.
[After George pretends to be an addicted smoker to make Susan cancel the wedding]
Since when do you smoke?
[coughs] I've always smoked.
I've never seen you smoke.
Oh, yeah? Well, I quit smokin.' I [coughs] gave it up for a w- [cough] while, but it was too tough. Y' know, [cough] I haven't got the will power.
I don't like this one bit.
Well[coughs] I can't stop now [coughs] I'm addicted... [coughing, wretching] they got a hold of me.
Well, you are gonna have to quit.
Oh, God! [runs to the bathroom]
I put a lot of thought into this, and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptial agreement.
A pre-nup?
Yeah. [Susan laughs] What's so funny?
Hahahaha... You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. Haha. Yeah, give me the papers. I'll sign 'em.
It was unprecedented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history. No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.
You've never felt remorse.
I know. I feel bad about that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
