A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Is that the time? I gotta get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.
Hey, is that Elaine mannequin still there?
Yeah.
Yeah?
The last time I saw her... she was naked.
Yeah, And Poppie's got problems.
How do you stop a kid from growing?
I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
MMickey
I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
C'mon, how was your date?
Oh, the date...the date.
Yeah, how was it?
Interesting.
Really?
Oh yeah.
Why? What happened?
Let's see...how shall I put this?
Well, just put it.
...He took it out.
[pause] He what?
He took [cleans her glasses] it out.
He took what out?
It.
He took it out?
Yes sireebob.
He couldn't.
He did.
Well, were you involved in some sort of amorous...
Nooo.
You mean he just...
Yes.
Are you sure?
Oh, quite.
There was no mistaking it?
Jerry.
So you were talking, you're having pleasant conversation...and then all of a sudden...
Yeah.
It.
It.
Out.
Out.
Well, I can't believe this. I know Phil. He's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?
Oh it be.
Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe, go all the way down to the other end, come all the way back?
Did you ever hear about holding it in?
Oh no. No, that's very bad for the kidneys.
How do you know?
[scoffs] Medical journals.
Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?
A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?
Yeah, it's a social thing.
What if he left you a used Kleenex? What's that, a valentine?
She lives with her parents.
Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.
Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on.
I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox.
But there are no stamps on these.
Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course.
Why are you doing this?
He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.
Why?
Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.
I know they're your parents Jerry, and they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a 35-year-old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean, don't you find that abnormal?
It is a tad askew.
I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?
I've hardly been out to dinner with them.
See, see, I can't even say anything, you know, because all he's really doing is being nice. But nobody is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.
You're right. He's insane.
[Helen opens the door to Newman, who is standing in the doorway with a smug grin on his face]
Hello, Mrs. Seinfeld.
Helen (in the same manner as her son): Hello, Newman.
[during stand-up] To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual?
What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?
FFireman
How do you live with yourself?
It's not easy.
Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?
I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.
[Jerry and George urge Elaine into the bedroom with them]
Do women know about "shrinkage"?
What do you mean, like laundry?
No...
Like when a man goes swimming...afterwards...
[figures it out, gives a look of surprise, then confusion] It shrinks?
Like a frightened turtle!
Why does it shrink?
[growing despondent] It just does.
...I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.
WWaitress
Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... with a side of potato salad ... and a cup of tea!
Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
[sarcastically] Good for the tuna.
[a blonde looks at George] Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
So what? What am I supposed to do?
Go talk to her.
Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something! [He goes over to the woman] Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
VVictoria
Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the exact same lunch as me.
[Takes a deep breath] My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
VVictoria
[smiles] I'm Victoria. Hi.
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