Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
You're breaking up with me, aren't you?
Do you want me to break up with you?
If that's what you want.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Fine. Break up with me.
All right. We're broken up.
Can we still be friends?
Listen, I know we've had our problems in the past, but we've got a show to do tonight. Pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins. They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange thing to do, to walk into a room, audition, and walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins, have a nice laugh.
How'd you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now and shoved it down your throat?
You faked?
On occasion.
And the guy never knows?
No.
How can he not know that?
Because I was gooood.
I guess after that many beers he'd be pretty groggy anyway.
[chuckles] You didn't know.
You faked with me?
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
You faked it?
I faked it.
The whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
Not bad, huh?
What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
Fake, fake, fake, fake.
Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Sex to save the friendship. [starts to take off his shirt] Well if we have to, we have to.
This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, this is gonna be the new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate!
But I don't wanna be a pirate!
[George is out to dinner with his parents after moving back in with them]
Maybe you should take a civil service test.
I’m not taking a civil service test.
Look at this, George. [Pulls a coin out of his pocket] Have you ever seen a silver dollar?
Yes, I’ve seen a silver dollar.
Why don’t you want to take a civil service test?
To do what? Work in the post office? Is that what you want me to do?
Can you believe when I was eighteen, I had a ssssilver dollar collection?
You get job security; you get a paycheck every week..
I’m a college graduate, you want me to be a mailman?
You know, I could never bring myself to spend one of these. I had some kind of uhhhhh, phobia.
So what are you gonna do?
I don’t know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent, something to offer. I just don’t know what it is yet.
I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today. [Does a slight of hand trick and George looks annoyed]
[On the verge of tears] Oh my god..
I don’t like this waiter. [Holds his hand up and snaps his fingers trying to get the waiters attention] Look at him. He sees us. Doesn’t wanna come over.
I need some air.. [Gets up from the table and starts walking away]
George, where are you going?
[Looks back] I got a lot of thinking to do.
[Seeing George eating pretzels] May I have one of those, madam?
Madam? What are you calling me madam for?
They're ladies' glasses,
[Kramer takes George's glasses and shows him the inside]
Now look here, see it's right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.
He sold me ladies' glasses!
So I'm all right? I don't need a shot?
Not shot. Dog bite.
Yes, I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?
Not shot. Dog bite. Woof-woof. Not bang-bang.
...
[about to be injected with the rabies shot] It's not going to hurt a lot, is it?
Yes, very much.
Who goes to South America?!
People go to South America!
Yeah, and then they come back with things taped to their large intestines!
So because of a few bad apples, you're going to impugn an entire continent?
Yes, I'm impugning a continent.
How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.
I know about the cups.
You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest.
I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.
I'm tellin' ya! The pigman is alive. The government's been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, Hey he's no pig-man!
Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pigmen. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. Ooo that little tail turns me on.
[George is meeting with the hospital administrator after a patient jumped from the roof and landed on George’s car]
Mr. Costanza, come in, come in. It’s been a very trying couple of days around the hospital. Doctors, patients, everyone just grief stricken over this unfortunate occurrence.
Well, I join them in their grief.
Horrible thing. Flew right past the children’s wing. All the sick children in the playroom looking out the window, just traumatized by the incident. Apparently, they thought he was flying. You know how children are. “Oh, look, a man is flying! A man is flying!” and then…splat.
That’s where I come in, on “splat”. You see Mrs. Sweedler, or is it Hospital Administrator Sweedler?
Mrs. Sweedler.
Mrs. Sweedler. Thank you very much. You see, this tragedy has affected me in a very…very personal way.
How is that?
Yes, well, you see…the deceased…landed on my car. The “splat”, as it were, actually occurred on the roof of my car. Now, of course I can’t help but feel that had it been a convertible, this whole tragedy might have been averted. But I’ve never been the kind of guy to buy a convertible what with the baldness and everything.
Well, I have known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat.
Yes, but then everything’s all pulled down and-- Ah, anyway. The damage, unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile rendering it virtually undrivable.
[Flatly] Yes. Well that is a shame.
Yes! A shame. That is exactly how I would put it. Now, Mrs. Sweedler, with all due discretion and sensitivity, and taking in the whole scope of the situation, I just can’t help but think that…the hospital is somehow responsible for compensating the other still living victim of this horrendous, horrendous tragedy.
Mr. Costaza,
Yes?
A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise,
Yes.
And you greedily, callously, want to profit from it?
Well, “profit”? I--I think you’ll see from the estimate that I’m not really profiting that much. [Takes the estimate from the insurance company out of his pocket to show Mrs. Sweedler] It might be a little high, but--
Get out. Get out now. Get out of my office!
[George gets up to leave but turns back to leave the paper on Mrs. Sweedler’s desk]
Should I just leave this---?
Get out!
[Gwen is breaking up with George]
It's not you, it's me.
[appalled] You're giving me the "It's Not You, It's Me" routine? I invented "It's Not You, It's Me"! No one tells me it's them, not me! If it's anybody, it's me!
[embarrassed] Alright, alright... George, it's you.
You're damn right, it's me!
Jerry, do me a favor. Next time you see that lineswoman, ask her how ball boys get that job. I'd love to do that.
I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity- It's ball boys, not ball men. There are no ball men.
I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Hmm. Really? Nothing?
Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.
Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?
No, not really.
How so?
May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
