Oh, you're being audited? What for?
Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very...
Uh, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.
Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...
What did you think, that would impress me?
You got it all wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans.
Like you make this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?
Those brave Krakatoans East of Java, who sacrificed so much for so long.
Now you're being audited because of it. You see that's Karma.
On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?
Yes I called before. I got this notice in the mail.
LLibrarian
Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.
Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?
That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named "Cone."
BBookman
You took this book out in 1971.
Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
BBookman
Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abbie Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella...
Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
BBookman
You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
BBookman
You think this is all a big joke, don't you?
BBookman
I saw you on TV once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
BBookman
Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't he deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!
I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.
SGSecurity Guard
Well you're still not allowed.
Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?
SGSecurity Guard
That's up to you.
So you don't care if I die.
SGSecurity Guard
What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.
Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
SGSecurity Guard
I don't know.
Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place.
Hey, how'd you do on that IQ test?
Why must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just be? Why can't you live?
It's just a Latin phrase, George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this IQ test?
This woman that he's dating is making him take this IQ test for this course.
Oh, that sounds like fun!
Yeah, fun. IQ test's are totally bogus! They prove nothing!
You'll do well, you're smart.
No, see, he's not smart. People think he's smart but he's not.
What did you get on your SAT's?
You know, I don't even know my IQ.
You get outta here! [Elaine laughs]
[jokingly] Maybe you should take the test for me.
Boy, that'd be something, cheating on an IQ test. Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that.
Yeah. Yeah, I really has some guts back then. [Serious] Why don't we do it again?
You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out of a window. We can do it, she lives on the first floor!
Where would I take the test?
I don't know. She lives right around the corner, you could take it here or go to the coffee shop.
No, that would be too noisy.
Take it at the Dram Cafe, you won't hear a peep.
[to Jerry] What do you think?
Hey, I love a good caper.
Yeah, that's what it is, isn't it? A caper. Huh.
Yeah! Beautiful! [goes to high-five Elaine but misses and hits her in the head] Ooh, sorry!
[Jerry is looking out the window again and spots George below]
How'd you do on the IQ test?
[Jerry starts laughing]
Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations, he should be here in a few seconds.
Yeah, but an 85, Jerry, that's ridiculous.
Well, maybe the test was gender biased, you know a lot of questions about hunting and testicles...
[George comes in looking angry]
[Sarcastically to Elaine] Oh, hello professor.
George, I cannot believe...
No, there's gotta be a mistake.
You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
Listen, there were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever his name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.
[Mockingly] It was a madhouse.
Jerry, it was! Let me take it again.
Oh come on, come on, I'll guarantee you 140. What do you have to lose?
No, no, come on, I guarantee it!
Ok. Now where am I gonna take it?
Take it here, I'll leave. There will be no distractions.
[referring to a nose job] Not that I care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.
AAudrey
I know, they're good.
Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...
