Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Everyone thinks that once a fingernail falls off it's useless, but that's wrong. See, I've been writing a book about fingernail arts and crafts. Here, take a look at this.
What's that?
Fingernail sunglasses! [Grim and Dracula are disgusted] The hardest part is finding enough fingernails, so sometimes I substitute toenails. Don't tell no one.
[after being stung by the giant scorpion] Dracula... DRACULA! Please hurry, I'm in terrible pain! You gotta suck out my poison!
Nuh-uh, Dracula don't suck.
But you're a vampire! Vampires suck... Blood!
Nah, see that's a myth. Dracula scrape with his fangs and lick up the blood. Like this... Scrape...then lick. Scrape...then lick.
[getting progressively weaker] But what about my poison...
Didn't Dracula just tell you about the scrape-and-lick? Now, Dracula's gonna say it again for dummies who don't pay attention! Scrape and lick!
Ooh... [Falls on the ground]
SCRAPE AND LICK!
My babies!
Well, maybe if you didn't make your babies so delicious, Dracula wouldn't have to eat 'em!
Get your butt up. Dracula still gotta make it to the Early Bird Special.
WHY are you such a selfish old man?
Whatcha say? Nobody calls Dracula old!
What do you know about me?! Nothing! You don't even know my name!
Your name is DUMMY, and if you knew anything about anything, you'd notice there's an Early Bird Special EVERY... SINGLE... DAY OF THE WEEK!
You just don't understand! You'll never understand! NEVER! [runs away crying]
No fried fish for Dracula then.
RAGGLE-FRAGGLE!
Aagh! A sand man!
Actually, we prefer "people of sand".
Ordinary morality is for ordinary people.
Take me with you. I mean, yeah. Go home to your own- Hold on. You mean to tell me that Mandy isn't our daughter? This whole time I thought she was, and what? Now you say she isn't. So tell me, who does Billy belong to? How much of my life is a lie? Is our Marriage fake? What about this house? My shirt, my underwear. Is this all part of some interplanetary conspiracy to make me think I'm a lowly construction worker?
Save the Buck Tooth Hippo! Save the Buck Tooth Hippo!
Yo Goodvibes! Yo' momma's so hairy, Bigfoot takes pictures of her.
I can guarantee you this mister. My mother is not hairy.
Word.
Hippo? He looks more like a fat cow.
[After a long, awkward silence] He's dead.
Oh, no, you didn't! I know you didn't just insult my man, H2O, dawg!
It was a mistake yo! I'm sorry!
Is Goodbling gonna have to insult yo' Momma?
No! Please!
Yo' momma's so.
She's so what?
Grandmama!
Grandmama?
Yo' momma's so ugly that people go as her for Halloween!
Ooh!
Yo' momma's so stupid, she sold her car for gas money!
Ooh!
Yo' momma's so ugly, she made an onion cry!
[Laughing]
Yo' momma's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!
Ooh!
Yo' momma's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!
Ooh!
Yo' momma's so stupid, she cheated off Billy's test!
[Laughing]
Yeah, well! Uh!
Yo' momma's so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning!
Ooh!
Uh, uh, uh, Yo' momma.
Now let me tell ya somethin! Yo' momma so ugly. I tell ya she's so ugly, she needs two bags to cover her face! Mmm-hmm! That the pound wouldn't take her away! No, they wouldn't! That Dracula wouldn't drink her blood!
Dracula wouldn't touch her with Wolfman's teeth!
Hey, hey, Grim, Yo' momma is so ugly, I heard your dad met her at a dog show!
Shut up!
Ooh, ooh! Yo' momma's so stupid she put lipstick on her head just to make up her mind!
Shut up!
Will you be my mommy?
Does a chicken wear underwear?
Hmm... [imagines Billy in a chicken suit and underwear] Well, I'd have to say...
Ah, you're awake, but some most kids who drink half a cup of spider venom don't live to tell about it. But then most kids aren't friends with the Grim Reaper.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
