Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Mandy gets sprayed by cow's milk]
What's this? [He sees a retro cartoon phonograph] Hey, Mandy, I've figured out what's making that music. [Mandy gets up] You okay?
Do I LOOK okay?
It's hard to tell; you sort of always look that way.
[Mandy gets sprayed by cow's milk again]
[laughing] Now that's comedy!
[REALLY furious; screams] I HATE RETRO CARTOONS! [The retro phonograph hears this and becomes infuriated]
SHE said it! [They both start to run away]
Me Spidey Senses inidicate that whatever's making that music is turning everything into a retro cartoon.
Grim, you don't HAVE Spidey Senses.
... Now that complicates things.
Destroying stuff makes me feel so ALIVE!
I second that emotion.
Ditto.
[in Billy's fantasy] Gimme a banana!
Honey, remember what I promised would happen someday?
You got the surgery?
Even better! I got transferred on work!
Transferred?
Transferred?
Aren't you excited? We get to move to another town and leave behind everything that has meaning to you!
But I don't wanna leave. I just finished marking my territory.
Stop it! Just stop it! You're behaving like spoiled children! I suggest you behave like spoiled adults, and settle this in court.
Fine! I'll see you in court! [He appears in a tennis court]
Wrong court, dummy.
Let's get this party started. Do you, Billy, take Mandy to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I DO!
And do you, Mandy, take Billy to be... [security guard whispers in his ear] Wait, not a wedding?
This whole charade is pointless! Grim should belong to me!
Shut your dirty pie hole! He should belong to me!
BOTH of you shut your dirty pie holes! You will follow the rules of the underworld court, or so help me, I'll make you sit in the chocolate pudding chair! THE STAINS WILL NEVER COME OUT OF YOUR CLOTHES!
[both gulp]
Got it?!
Don't worry, Irwin, the monsters won't hurt you... unless they DECIDE to hurt you.
[psst, psst], [Billy sneak at witness bench] Irwin!
Billy, I'm wet and I'm naked. And there's monster everywhere.
Don't worry, they won't hurt you. Unless they decide to hurt you. [Billy left the bench] Irwin, if you would, please read to this court your pre-written words that I, Billy, not MANDY, is the best person to take custody of said Grim.
I'm cold, yo! Can I get some pants please?
READ IT!
I believe... Billy is the best person... in all of the universe to take care of Grim. To keep him fed and clothed... and with or without him there will be nobody to unleash a deep reservoir of love...
Reservoir of love?! Sick.
I wanna go home, please!
Not until you read the part about my warehouse of COMPASSION!
Objection! He's leading the witness.
I'm not leading him. I'm just trying to make him say exactly what I want him to say.
[Jeff is being questioned by Mandy in the court.]
Hi, everyone.
[gasp]
Could you tell the court your relationship with Billy?
He's my dad.
Ewwwwwww!
Billy only hatched the egg, people. That's all.
Ohhhhhhhh...
And how would you rate Billy as a caregiver?
Pretty good, I guess... except he's never remembered my birthday... or paid child support... in fact, he usually just jabs me with a big stick. OW!
[begins to jab Jeff with a really big stick] I'll jab you good, you filthy bug!
Why don't you love me, dad?! I'll be anything you want me to be!
I WANT YOU TO BE DEAD!
No further questions.
[Li'l Porkchop is being questioned by Mandy in the court.]
Li'l Porkchop, how long were you Billy's pet?
Eleven minutes.
And what did he do to you, in those eleven minutes?
Horrible, horrible things... I don't want to talk about it! I still wake up, every night, screaming... SCREAMING! [quietly] Screaming...
No further questions.
So, Mandy? You think you can make me look BAD?! Well, guess what, Mr. Missy-miss? I don't need YOU to make ME look bad! I can do that all on my own. And now, you force me to play dirty. [Billy starts playing in mud, laughing] I'm a dirty boy. I'm a dirty, I'm a dirty boy!
Billy, you've just evolved a notch up the idiot ladder.
Such biting comments, Mandy. But now, they'll bite YOU - in the butt! I call to this court, Mandy's mom and dad!
It's not that we don't LOVE Mandy...
We love her very much!
It's just that we're... uhh... kinda scared of her.
I'm usually too afraid to even make eye contact!
When she was born, wolves came to try and raise her as one of their own. Sometimes I wonder if we were wrong to stop them...
Gosh, I love paperwork... especially the part where I get to write my name. F, R, E, D... F, R, E, D... B, U, R... G... E... R! Fred Fredburger! Yes!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
