[to Atilla the Hun and Rasputin] You and you, get teaching. [to Abraham Lincoln] Honest Abe, you get the chips.
GAGhost of Abraham Lincoln
Why is it always my job to get the chips?
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
But I thought you were AGAINS fighting. Like Switzerland.
Switzerland is a cursed, selfish, SWINISH country of BRUTES, located in the most romantic region in the world...
You STILL knew it was me?! I even dressed up as a stupid cowboy so nobody would recognize me! I HATE CALLER ID SO MUCH! IT'S RUINING MY LIFE, GRIM! MY LIFE! MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!
[After Mandy asks why he's crying] Billy, and... and his... UGLY friend... They made a call during the week, and I've only got a limited amount of weekday minutes! That is so EVIL, man! And I know evil - I'm the Grim Reaper!
Get ahold of yourself. They were probably playing around with your phone making a bunch of phony phone calls. Where are they, anyway?
Oh, I don't know. They probably got sucked through the phone into another dimension beyond time and space, yadda-dabba-doo, and we're all doomed if they awaken the Great Cthulhu, 'cause he'll probably come up and destroy the universe. Let's go watch television.
[Billy is transforming into a Lovecraftian monster]
Your nose looks like a cuttlefish.
Chicks dig cuttlefish!
And your mouth looks like a big, disgusting sucker.
Chicks dig--
Don't go there.
MEMutated Endsville citizens
[singing] It looks like it's Endsville for Endsville!
The Endsville we all loved was just a fluke!
We have tentacles, sharp teeth and great big gills,
But the sushi in this town all tastes like puke!
It looks like it's Endsville for Endsville!
The Endsville folk have really lost the fight!
We have sunk into some weird amoebic ooze,
So flush it down and don't forget to wipe!
I never liked the livin' undead... walkin' around all dead but alive... Makes a mockery of my job.
Oh ,come on, Mandy. I always wanted to save Christmas with a vampire sidekick. Ever since I was a little boy...
[Flashes back to Grim as a child in kindergarden.]
[out loud to no one in particular] Someday I'll save Christmas with a vampire! [cheesy smile]
[A snowball hits him in the face.]
BVBaron Van Ghoulish
Besides, you don't want the Head Vampire, you want the HEAD Head Vampire.
The HEAD Head Vampire?
BBaron
Yes, they did this whole reorganization thing a couple of hundred years ago. It doesn't make much sense to me... Eh, what was I talking about? Oh yes, yes, the "Head" Head Vampire. I think he was at my Labor Day SOIREE. I'd definitely know him if i saw him.
If he spilled something on your rug, I'm sure you'd recognize him.
[Van Ghoulish hisses at her.]
How come every time I take you kids to a mall it burns to the ground?
I blame the economy.
[to vampire Santa] You're lucky Death was here to save you this time, fat man!
[after knocking on Santa's door and nobody answering] Strange, the door is locked and nobody is answering.
If you saw the Grim Reaper at your door, would you answer?
Good point. But there should at least be some frightened screamin'. [reaches into pocket] Hang on, I got something for this.
What?
[pulls out a key] A skeleton key!
[A snowball hits him in the face.]
VGVon Ghoulish & Grim
Hurrah!
VGVon Ghoulish
Now we're off.
Yes, we're off.
VGVon Ghoulish
We're off to save Christmas.
Off to save Christmas.
VGVon Ghoulish
And we're cold.
Super cold!
BVBaron Von Ghoulish
Yes, we forgot our jackets
BBoth
Yes, we did not bring our jackets, so we'll freeze and we will...
Can it, you two. Alright, Baron if you know the way let's hear it, because we're... LOST,
[singing continues]
BBoth
And we're lost!
Oh so lost, and we can't feel our fingers.
No we can't feel our...
I said, knock it off. [Sees Baron Von Ghoulish & Grim in a block of ice] Great, I get to spend Christmas Eve with a couple of dorksicles.
DHCaptain Deadwood the Heartless
They call me Captain Deadwood, the Heartless, Arrrr! But don't let the name fool ya'... I'm not a real captain.
I've never been a real son to anybody before! Except my real dad...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.