I took the form of your dad because I figured it would be easier to accept. I didn't want to stress you out—end of the world, life on other planets, blah blah blah.
VDr. Venture
Why...you SON-OF-A-BITCH! Do you know what you just put me through?! What the fuck were you thinking?! What kind of fucked-up planet are you from, where you think showing up as my dead fucking father is supposed to make me feel any better?!
Alright, fine, you wanna see? Here! (Peels off his face, revealing his true self, which is shown offscreen, but horrifies everyone else) There! That would have been better? If I showed up like that out of nowhere? Look at you! You practically crapped your pants! Except him, he crapped his pants! (points to Ned)
Phantom Limb and Dr. Girlfriend agree to a civil double date with The Monarch and some girl he met on LiveJournal in order to discuss The Monarch's official re-entry into the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Team Venture then become the unwitting pawns in a low-grade pissing contest when Phantom Limb sics the Guild's commandos on them to prove his dominance.
Rembrandt van Rijn — a hundred fifty years ago, Delacroix said of Rembrandt that his works would be held higher than those of Raphael. His blasphemous prophecy came true within fifty years, and this one could be yours for the pittance of 10 million, American.
Look, the Mona Lisa's not a better painting, it's merely a more famous one, and it was made more famous because it was stolen. And this was stolen, so...
Oh, I'm more than okay. While perusing TV guide, I found a little - shall I say - flick, starring a one miss Dolly Parton, meow. Yeah, it seems she made a racy film called The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.
Hear me out! [clears throat] When young women reach estrus, the, uhh, lignum, ummm, craves theeee stamen-like skills of the yonie. This is quite natural.
Yes, yes, Mr. Venture has been kind enough to give me some leeway with the rent if I get the boys, as he says, 'out of his hair' for the evening. But as you know, tonight I teach conjuring at the new school.
I met her on the LiveJournal, which I kept in prison. I have been blogging! After posting an especially attractive picture of my prison-sculpted abs, she commented that I was not only 'f0ine', I was 'teh sex', whatever that means...
No. Don't pull out her chair, kiss her hand, or anything like that — it's kind of dorky. Just be yourself. Wait, here, take this (his wallet). It's got plenty of money in there, and it doesn't have a cartoon bee on it. Don't let them pay for anything, and if you end up going to, like, a movie or something, you call me on the two-way, okay?
Dude, sit down. You have to play it cool. Observe how I scope out my mystery date whilst I pretend to look at my watch. (Sees Kim with Triana walking in) Holy moley, look at my date! She's a supervillain, possibly a Medusa. Dean, I am not kidding, she has rope for hair and a shiny costume. Aw, not fair, she's wearing goggles! Told you she would dig my Batman suit, but NO!
Real name! And I am into costumed business, not costumed play. (seeing Dr. Girlfriend walk in) Shit! They're here! Fawn over me! Treat me as if I were candy!!
That's ridiculous, who would say such things? The woman is a delicate flower. That chode she's with, that's Phantom Limb. When he was in college, he was a scrawny little wuss. In a desperate attempt to be cooler than guys like me, he had his 12-year-old roommate create a machine that speeds up the muscle building process. The machine worked so well that every molecule in his extremities was accelerated beyond the speed of light. There were two side effects. One! He could mess up a guy just by touching him. And two! He became a humorless dick!
(on Phantom Limb) How do you think he floats like that?
2#21
Well, he's not floating — his legs are invisible.
2#24
What?
2#21
Yeah. He used to be a good guy, actually. When he and Billy — that, you know, weird midget who won a bunch of money on Card Sharks — invented a time machine, he became a villain; and the way I heard the story is that the time machine was, like, broken or something, so Phantom Limb's arms and legs and Billy's hand were sent forty years into the future.
Yeah, that's Phantom Limb. I don't think he professionally hates my dad, but he totally hates my dad. I think he used to be a famous magician. And one time, while performing for the Queen of England, he accidentally made his arms and legs disappear. They are now on the Moon with a bunch of rabbits and doves and...and playing cards and pretty assistants and some milk.
Whoa, what are you, psychic? I totally do — weird. Well ladies, it seems that young Dean here needs an escort to the bathroom. If there's any trouble, you just give the Hankinator a holler.
