You know, she looks like my mom.
That lady, she, she reminds me of my mom.
JJerry
Your mom is that hot?
Oh yeah, oh yeah. I mean, hotter.
Really? Your mom has that kind of face? Those lips? That kind of rack?
Yeah, well, my mom's rack is a little bigger actually.
Where do you come off mentioning your mom and the word 'rack' in the same sentence?
I'm just saying, my mom she's, she's got like a large set of... of uh, you know, she's really...
Goddamnit... I was, I was gonna go over and talk to that chick! Let me correctify that. She's not a chick. In a room full of self-involved, young titless little chicks, she's a woman, okay? A real woman. Probably a very witty and wonderful woman...
The rack was secondary, okay? It doesn't matter now. But the point being, I can't go over there and talk to her now.
Because even if I went over to talk to her and got her to come home with me somehow, and got her to reveal the afore-mentioned great rack, all I would be thinking about is your mom's rack, and how great your mom's rack is. Not that I ever thought of your mom's rack before, but that's all I can think of now! Your mom's rack!
Hey, woah. You know what, my mom's married pal, okay?
[Jerry laughs, and Tommy leaves]
Forbidden fruit, ball face.
So, Sean John, you gonna see your new girlfriend tonight?
Uh... yeah, maybe, I don't know.
Yeah? Maybe? I don't know? Pick one.
Yeah, yeah, she's doin' good. She's really good.
Nah, nah, nah, nah. I mean, is she good?
Uh... that's really, you know, really I'm not so comfortable discussin' that.
Yeah, I mean we talk about this shit all the time. It's pretty much all we talk about. Does she like it from the back? Hair pulled? Ass smacked?
You know what that's a little-- I'm tryin' to be respectful, I respect her-- She's respectable. C'mon, y'know. [pause, all silent]
So, what you're sayin' is that you're pretty much all about... respect now?
Yeah, yeah. Y'know, tryin'. [Sean is really uncomfortable and leaves]
Jesus, Tom, this is even more fun then you said it would be.
Hey, you talk to T about Maggie yet?
No. Oh God, no. He seems kinda raw y'know, after the whole Johnny thing.
Yeah been laughin', bullshittin' like normal.
Really? He was doing this whole bristling thing the other day, and in the kitchen he just threw me this really weird vibe. It kinda freaked me out.
Oh, shit. Really, ya think?
Yeah, you said he was bristling, right?
Yeah, well, I don't know, he coulda been stewing.
Well, Sean, there's a difference. If he's bristling he defiantly knows. If he's stewing it's up in the air.
Well, maybe he's just waitin' for the right moment to bash your face in and set you on fire.
No way, I've been too careful, there's no way that he knows.
Ah, Sean. No offense, but being careful for you is like tempting fate for most.
TMrs Turbody
Listen, I'm gonna need you to go again once I'm done with this cigarette.
TMrs Turbody
Oh, yeah. If you're gonna fill in for your nephew you better raise your game. Damian can go 3, 4 times in an hour. Can you keep up the pace or not?
Well, I--I might need a sandwich...Mrs Turbody.
Hey, Garrity. Humpin' around last night?
[coughs] What? Humpin' around...uh, no. I was uh, only hump the one--I just--I just uh, make love to the girlfriend.
So you're like a one woman guy now?
Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much.
So when are we gonna meet the girlfriend?
Meet her? The girlfriend? Uh...she's, uh, soon. I don't know, she works a lot.
Yeah, yeah. So y'know. Hey, that was some brew-ha-ha the other night, wasn't it? I mean not ha-ha funny just sorta...actually it wasn't funny at all... it was sickening, kinda.
Yeah that's how we settle things in my family, y'know, we're Irish.
Yeah, well, hey, please, tell me about it. Garrity.
No, I mean like we're real Irish. Not your generation fake, faggotity Irish. Y'know, what I mean? I know you guys are like 'my feelings' and y'know talk it out. We don't talk it out. We find out who's responsible, then we find the person and we beat the living shit outta them. My grandfather's best friend growin' up, he was friends with this guy for like 40 years and I guess the guy was flirtin' with my grandmother one day--- long story short my grandfather rearranged the guy's face and he can barely talk now.
Wow. Well, wha--what did the guy say to your grandma?
Uh, good morning. [Tommy throws down his cigarette and makes Sean step on it] Don't tell anyone about that.
Hey, we all make mistakes, right?
You say somethin'? [Tommy leaves] I'm a dead man.
KKenny
[about Mike's copy of The Tao of Pooh] Yeah, whatever. Hand it over.
KKenny
Because a firehouse is no place for sensitive souls, Probie.
You used to write poetry.
KKenny
Yeah, and it cost me my house, and my wife and a whole lot more so give it over.
You can't order me to stop reading.
KKenny
I'm not. I'm ordering you to stop filling your mind with this bullshit fortune cookie philosophy. You're taking life lessons from a semi-retarded bear, Mikey. And it's not even a real bear. Consider yourself fortunate that you're not burdened by an overactive mind. Stick to cartoons and coloring books.
I'm not stupid, y'know, I'm just simple-minded. The book says Pooh's like an uncarved block. Y'know, that's kind of how I feel.
KKenny
An uncarved block. That's hard to disagree with.
You're busting balls, but y'know, Winnie's as simple as they come. He just roams the woods, hangs with his pals, eats some honey, takes a nap. He doesn't care about understanding anything or even himself or the names that people call him. He just is. He accepts things as they are. That's the key to his happiness.
KKenny
And that's what this is, you're a little depressed about the fact that we're going to keep callin' you the probie. And that is the little problem that caused this little egxtensial life crisis. You don't know problems kid.
I'm just starting to realize that nobody's ever gonna have all the answers, y'know? You may think you know everything, but you don't. And you can't. And you never will. So you should just stop trying and life will get a lot easier.
[about Sean] He's not my boyfriend.
Listen, Tom, he's a sweet kid, dumb as a box of rocks and not the regular ones, the dumb ones. He's not bad in the sack and that's about all there is to it.
So, you're not serious about him?
Listen Tommy, including Garrity I got about 4 guys in line right now, no five. I just started this thing with the new super in my building. He's a cute Mexican guy, his name is Nacho. Y'know, like the snack.
Yeah, that's cute. He's in love with you, you know.
Tell me somethin' I don't know. They're all in love with me, Tom. It's like moths to a flame.
[on the phone] Lemme ask you somethin'. When did it start? Was it after Connor died, and I asked you personally, as my brother to look after my own kids and my wife. Is that when it started, huh? Was it like a month, a coupla months, huh? Last week? When did it start?
It was your Junior Prom when you brought Janet home in that dress so Mom and Dad could take pictures of her. She looked amazing in that dress, Tommy.
You know what, Tom, this is just you -- being you, y'know, overprotective and thinkin' I'm good enough for your sister.
That is not the issue believe me.
Of course you're good enough for her.
Yeah. And so are the four other guys, the underwear and the sock guys.
Oh, very funny. [they get into a shoving match]
She's my girlfriend! [Sean starts walking away]
And well, one other thing, asshole.
Don't tell her I mentioned this stuff to you, alright? Please? Sean?
BBum
[about who gets to commit suicide first] I'm homeless. I got nothin'! No friends, no family, my life is shit.
My life is bigger shit. My wife whom I love dearly left me for another man. She broke my heart and then she took nearly everything I own. Yeah, and then I met another woman, beautiful, young, gorgeous... hooker but one of the good ones because-- because she didn't make me pay until the end. And then at the end she took every penny that I had on Earth. Then get this-- I'm in a porn store the other day and who do I see on the cover of a triple X but her. So, not only is she a thief and a hooker but she's a porn star. I'm a joke, I'm a loser, I look in the mirror and I wanna puke.
BBum
You win, loser, you can go first.
[as Tommy is going to a sperm bank] How do they remove it from you?
The sperm? You know what, I think they go in right above the knee with-- with a little tube and suck the cum right outta your leg. I don't-- what do you think?
No, I mean, do they hook you up to some device or...
Yeah, they have a penis pump. No! I jerk off into--into a cup or y'know a plastic ice cube tray or something, I don't know.
...
Look, I just have a little tiny question for you.
When you're at the sperm bank and you're jerkin' off into a cup, could you, uh, think of me?
Because if we then decide to use the sperm at a later date to have a child, it would be sorta like we were actually...connected at the moment that it all started.
AAlicia
You know, the first man that a little girl falls in love with is her daddy.
AAlicia
So then when she gets older and she gets married chances are that she's gonna pick somebody, just like her old man.
I'm aware of this theory, and it's a buncha bullshit.
AAlicia
Oh, so you don't have anything in common with your wife's father?
No, he was in real estate first of all. He was a suit and tie guy he spend his whole life behind a desk and real estate was all he thought about. He got up every mornin' and thought about how to rip people off. He was a selfish, self-centered, greedy, lying, cheating... midget. He was like 5'2. I'm way taller than him, and not funny at all which is one of the things my wife said that she found attractive about me when she met me was that I was funny and her father was not funny.
Oh, now I'm an asshole. Why am I an asshole?
You're an asshole because you told Maggie everything that I told you about Fred.
Okay, I'm a pussy if I don't say anything to Maggie and now I'm an asshole for openin' my big mouth. You're impossible to please.
You wanna please me? Keep your hands outta my sister's pants. [Sean tries to go after him, but since they're in the truck, he's seatbelted in and can't reach Tommy]
She's the best thing that ever happened to me, and you ruined it.
Look, I told you to talk to her, okay? You decided to break up with her. You live with that decision.
Yeah, well, you know what? Try this one out. I don't wanna be friends anymore.
I don't want you to call me. It's over. We're breaking up.
Hey! You guys listening to this? Garrity's breaking up with me!
Yeah, it's over. I don't wanna hear from you, no dinner, no hangin' out, nothin'.
He's breaking up with me. Unbelieveable. Oh my God. Your whole generation. Gay.
You happy? I never thought you of all people would sabotage the least dysfunctional relationship of my entire life.
I wasn't tryin' to sabotage. You're the one who's going out with like six different guys.
No, five and I liked Sean the best. He happens to be very nice and he does everything I say, he's perfect.
Then why are you cheatin' on him?
A zebra can't change its stripes overnight.
