No, I'll tell ya, brother. I am pro-lesbian. I am a big supporter of the lesbian community.
JJimmy
Really?
Yeah, I wish my daughter was a lesbian.
JJimmy
Which one?
Both. Why don't they have a pill for that?
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
I like hockey, I could never play though. I've got weak ankles.
Yeah, that's not the only thing that you got that's weak.
What does that mean?
Nothing.
No, what does that mean?
It was a joke, Sean.
Well, what're you sayin' then, like I got weak knees?
No.
Arms? What?
I was talking about your mind. I was saying that you've got a weak mind.
You know what, Franco, do I piss all over you all of the time? I don't think so. I don't understand why you gotta be such a prick to me.
Hey, girls, do I have to separate you?
He said that I had a weak mind, Lou.
Yeah, like he's pulling that outta thin air.
What is that?
What, the cookies?
No. Below the cookies, peeking out of your pants, and it better not be a tattoo because if it is a tattoo, you're not gonna see the light of day ever again.
It's not like it's huge.
Move the cookies. [she moves them] Oh my, god. What the hell?
It's a shamrock.
I can see it's a shamrock.
You're always saying that we should be proud of being Irish.
You wanna be proud you're Irish? Wave a flag, march in a parade, have 100 kids ... not yet. Oh my god.
It's not that big of a deal, Mom has a tattoo on her butt.
How do you know that?
She showed me.
She showed you? Jesus Christ. [groans] I'll tell ya' what, you're gonna get rid of that yourself, or I'm gonna get rid of it for you.
How?
I'm sure Black & Decker has some kind of attachment.
It's my body. You can't tell me what to do with it.
Oh, really? Let me just remind you of a couple things, okay? When you turn 18 years old, you can move out of this house and you can get a flower tattooed on your ass, and a rainbow tattooed on your tits, but until then as long as you live under my roof, you play by my rules. No tattoos.
I didn't get it while I was living under your roof, I got it while I was living under Mom's.
PPhyllis
You don't need to lie to me, either. What are you doing?
Okay... You want the truth?
PPhyllis
Yeah.
I've been writing poetry.
PPhyllis
What?
Poetry. Since... just after 9/11. It's kind of been, I don't know, my therapy, I guess. I don't know.
PPhyllis
Writing poetry?
Yeah.
PPhyllis
Oh my God, why couldn't it have been the porn?
[Tommy pays his nephew for sending a computer virus to Roger]
[sighs] I could only get 300 bucks out of the ATM.
That's okay. You can owe me the rest. I trust you.
You know what, kid? I was at your christening and I didn't drown you, okay? So let's think about who owes who. All right?
I didn't come here the other night looking for a fight. And I didn't come tonight looking for one either. I came to talk to that Teff guy. Well, he started the fight. He threw the first punch. You saw him do that. And I know a couple other guys in there saw it too.
VVinny
So?
So, uh... I mean it's possible I... I might need a witness and I was hoping you'd, you know, do the right thing.
VVinny
You know, funny thing about gay bashers: they're all tough guys until they get caught.
I never--
VVinny
I saw what every other guy in the place saw. You threw the first punch.
[at the hospital] Tommy, I can't get any answers in there.
You know what? [grabs her arm and pushes her against the building, and pins her there] Hey, what did I tell you, huh? What did I tell you?
Get the hell off of me!
I told you to get your priorities straight, huh. Get your shit together. You wanted to be in charge of the kids, and what happened? She's lying in a hospital bed while you're trying to get laid with you loser goddamn boyfriend! [they shove each other and he finally lets her go]
And where have you been?!
Where was I? At work! Paying your goddamn bills!
Tommy, this isn't about our bullshit. This is about our little girl in there.
Don't tell me.
Goddamn you, Tommy.
It's on your head!
FMFather Mickey
Tom, I, uh, I don't know what you want me to say.
Mick... I want you to say that it's all... it's bullshit. You know? There is no plan, there is no map. There's no golden ring at the end of the ride. It's just... bullshit. You know? [sighs] I want you to take away the hope, man, that's the thing that's killing me. You know,it's just... it's like, uh... I'm just hanging here, man. Hope is making me think I can fix my marriage, you know? The day of Jimmy's funeral... you stood up on that altar and you said, "Sometimes we don't know why God does the things that he does." But I'm telling you... Mick... if he takes my little girl tonight... I'm going to want to know why.
FMFather Mickey
That's why you got to hold on to the hope, Tom. 'Cause in the end, that's all we got left.
You remember that blonde that we met at the Bubble Bar last month? You were with me, right?
Yeah, yeah. The one you banged that night?
Actually, I've been banging her ever since, but I don't know her name.
Damn. How're you pulling that off?
Well, it's like a late night booty-call. Not a lot of conversation, you know?
Yeah, those are the best.
Well, I gotta come up with a name soon, man.
Yeah. You know what? You could do that thing where you introduce her to somebody. You say the other person's name but not hers, and then she has to say "Hi, I'm..." Fill in the blank.
Never gonna work.
Why not?
Because I never take this chick out in public.
Ah, yeah.
See?
Yeah, you got yourself a real goddamn dilemma there.
Yeah, broads. It's not enough that you're bangin' 'em like crazy, now you gotta know their names.
Wait a minute, you passed on a three way? Was she hot?
Way hot.
What're you nuts?
Lou, I would have to had sex in front of another guy.
So block him out.
But what if I get hit with friendly fire?
Well, make sure you're done first and then get the hell out of the way. Jesus, it's true what they say: Three-ways, like youth, are wasted on the young.
[On the phone, Franco is in a club with two girls by him] So, it's, uh, it's Nancy or Lauren, huh? I don't know, man, she didn't look like a Nancy to me. I'd go with Lauren.
I kinda secretly was hoping she was a Nancy.
Why's that?
'Cause Nancy's give better head.
Oh, you've researched that?
Uh, basing it on the two Nancy's that I've known.
So, uh, you been with a Lauren?
Uh, one.
Oh, yeah? And the head was uh...
Look, there's no such thing as bad head, it's just a matter of degrees.
Yeah, agreed. [to the girls next to him] Uh, girls what're you're names?
HHeather
Heather.
BBrittney
Brittney.
[to Tommy] What about Heather and Brittney? Where do those two names fall on the chart?
Heather and Brittney I'd say... top 3.
Oh, yeah. It's my night.
[Tommy has just read an "anonymous" poem]
Holy shit.
Wow.
Powerful.
Yeah, powerfully bad. It sucks.
I don't know, it's not that bad. It rhymes.
Well, so what? My ten-year-old can make stuff rhyme, it doesn't mean he's the next, uh... [to Franco] Name a poet.
Angie Dickinson.
Angie Dickinson from Police Woman?
Nah, I think you mean Emily Dickinson.
By the way, in the future, when you have something you wrote and you want me to read it, just bring it to me. I'll sit down, I'll read it, I'll digest it and I'll give you the most honest assessment that I can.
You'd do that?
For you?
Yeah.
No.
You don't do that, Sean. You don't bang a guy's girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, or his sister without his permission. And I mean crystal-goddamn-clear permission.
You haven't even spoken to her, in like, five years.
Guys?
You broke the rules.
Big time.
Wh--? Ho-- How? Explain to me how. [Lou interrupts him] Let me finish my -- [Lou interrupts him again] Can I at least-- [Lou interrupts him]
Look, you run into a guy's ex-girlfriend in a bar and feel her up.
Yes.
You can be in a bar, meet a guy's ex-wife, and...
[makes circular gestures on his chest] Titty action.
A little bit of titty action. You can even grab guy's sister's ass in a bar that the guy actually happens to be in.
Yes, you could.
And it's all explainable under the giant umbrella of the huge, 'Sorry-I-Was-Drunk' rule.
Like Visa and Mastercard, accepted the world over and never argued.
Never argued. Which was why the rule was created by the way, by the... Romans?
Ah, even earlier than that, my friend: the Druids.
Listen, Franco didn't want to have anything to do with her.
He just doesn't get it.
[counting on his fingers]: Look, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, sister, half-sister: [sweeps his hands] No pussy!
[to Janet, about Colleen] Did you even know she was going to the city with the Murphy Kid that night, let alone joyriding around Manhattan with him? And I'll bet my left nut that that kid's on drugs. Did you hear what I said? I said my left nut, which just happens to be my favorite nut.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.