What's a good thing for a hangover?
Drinking heavily the night before.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Alright, if I'm a virgin, how come I know what a girl's bottom looks like?
(Pause)
From looking in the mirror.
Damn!
Who are you?
KKnight
I'm a Knight, of the Square Table.
'Square' Table?
KKnight
Well, King Arthur doesn't think I'm cool and hip enough to be at the Round Table, on account of some of my suits of armour still have flares.
You can't get much squarer than that.
No shut up, Mike! [To Knight] There's nothing wrong with flares.
Neil, have you upset the neigbours?
No, Mike, I've blown them up.
Phew! And who said Sunday was day of rest?
God did.
That's right! I knew it was someone Tory.
I don't know what it is, but every time I pull at Neil's ankles big flakes of crusty skin come off underneath my fingernails.
That's only his cornflakes, Michael. He keeps them in his socks to stop me from stealing them.
What a nerdy! [to audience] I just initial mine individually with sticky labels.
[to audience] That doesn't worry me. I just eat the labels as well.
I'll die if I miss Scooby-Doo!
Too bloody right, Neil! Everybody panic!
Where were we?... Ah, yes. Virgin.
Yeah. Argh!
(chases Rick up the stairs) Virgin! Virgin!
Amazulu.
SPS.P.G.
Oh, is that right? I'm a Glaswegian.
[Vyvyan is trying to blow up Rick with his howitzer for not admitting to be a virgin.]
No, Vyvyan! Please! Look, you were right and I was wrong. I am a virgin.
Not for long, matey! [fires at Rick again]
Vyv, will you zip it, you're giving me tunnel vision!
STOP SHOUTING NEIL!!
Stop shouting yourself!
I AM NOT SHOUTING!!
Yes, you are!
I BLOODY WELL AM NOT!!! IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SHOUTING MATEY THIS IS IT!!!
[Rick starts yelling like a baby, whilst Vyvyan lights a Molotov cocktail]
It's funny, but being ill makes me lose my usual tolerant and easygoing approach to communal living.
[Vyvyan throws the Molotov cocktail into Rick's bedroom, which explodes]
Oh, well, how ruddy considerate, Vyvyan. Thank you very much!
Yeah, thanks, Vyv. That petrol bomb's really cleared my sinuses.
Why aren't you dead?!
I'm not prepared to discuss it with you, Vyvyan. You will be hearing from my solicitors in the morning. I'm going to write to my MP.
[Takes out paper and pencil]
You haven't got an MP, Rick. You're an anarchist.
Oh. Well, then I shall write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen!
What this? [Holding a fish]
It's a fish, mate.
Oh, thanks.
[writing] Dear Mr. Echo....
Why did I do that?
Ah, Vyvyan, beginning to regret it now, are you?
Of course I'm beginning to regret it. That was nearly a full bottle of vodka! That's £7.99 you owe me, ploppy pants!
Oh, stop being so blinking bourgeoisie! All property is theft, Vyvyan.
All right, then. Where's your girlie purse? (...)
Hang on a minute, I haven't finish my sentence. I meant to say: What's this fish doing in my bed?
It's not in your bed, Mike.
Mike': Oh yeah. Right, right, yeah. Thanks Vyv.
[takes Rick's coin purse, removes some money] Ha ha! Found it!
You put that back! That's my personal property!
You just said all property is theft, Rick.
Well, yes, it is.
Yeah, so I'm nicking it.
Stop! Thief! Thief!
VSVyvyan's Mum
Hello, Vyvyan!
Piss off!
VSVyvyan's Mum
That's no way to talk to your mother, Vyvyan!
Alright then... piss off, Mum!
VSVyvyan's Mum
That's better.
What d'you want?
VSVyvyan's Mum
Well, what're Mums for?
I dunno, having babies?
VSVyvyan's Mum
Don't be so sexist, Vyvyan! (twists the crotch of his jeans.)
(gasps in pain) I'm sorry, Mum.
VSVyvyan's Mum
No, I heard you was ill so I bought you a present.
The last present you gave me was a box of matches.
VSVyvyan's Mum
That was a joke.
I was only eight weeks old... well, what've you bought me this time?
VSVyvyan's Mum
A bottle of vodka.
(smiles) Oh, brilliant! Thanks, Mum! (tips the bottle and nothing comes out.) This is empty.
VSVyvyan's Mum
Ha! Ha! Up yours, ugly!
NSNeil's Mother
Dear me, what a... what a ghastly smell!
Yeah, that's Vyvyan, Mummy. He's going to be a doctor.
How d'you do!
NSNeil's Mother
Oh, fascinating! I think I'm going to be sick.
NSNeil's Father
Now why couldn't you be in one of those nice situation comedies that your mother likes. Like, uh, what's the thing called...?
Grange Hill!
NSNeil's Father
Yes! That's the one.
[Scene changes to School Corridor. Two school boys run in.]
BEBen Elton
So that's settled. We'll organise a protest against school uniforms!
SSpaz
Great! We can use the banners left over from the last protest we organised, so that racism wouldn't be an issue in this school.
BEBen Elton
Good idea. I'll get Mucka, Ducka, Trucka and Sucka, and you get Spaz.
SSpaz
But I am Spaz!
BEBen Elton
Oh. I better get him as well then. Come on!
[They run into a teacher.]
SSpaz
Oh! Sorry, Mr. Liberal. We were just on our way to...
LMr. Liberal
Now hang on you pair of scruffy tear-aways. Don't you realise that the way you act is influencing millions of children to talk Cockney and be insubordinate?
BEBen Elton
Oh, come on, sir. We're the only kids in Britain who never say f-
NSNeil's Mother
You must be joking! I don't watch that ghastly programme!
NSNeil's Father
I'm sorry, my dear. It was my mistake. I meant The Good Life.
NSNeil's Mother
Oh, yes. That's the one.
[The introduction to The Good Life starts playing]
[Ripping up the introduction to The Good Life] NO, NO, NO, NO! WE ARE NOT WATCHING THE BLOODY GOOD LIFE! BLOODY, BLOODY, BLOODY! I HATE IT! IT'S SO BLOODY NICE! FELICITY "TREACLE" KENDAL, AND RICHARD "SUGAR FLAVOURED SNOT" BRIERS! WHAT DO THEY DO NOW? CHOCOLATE BLOODY BUTTON ADS, THAT'S WHAT! THEY'RE NOTHING BUT A COUPLE OF REACTIONARY STEREOTYPES, CONFIRMING THE MYTH THAT EVERYONE IN BRITAIN IS A LOVABLE MIDDLE CLASS ECCENTRIC, AND I HATE THEM!!
That was a highly articulate outburst, Vyvyan. I only hope they're not watching.
Well you can stop now, Vyvyan. You can just about blummin' well zip it up! Because if you've got anything horrid to say about Felicity Kendal, then you can just about blummin' well say it to me first!
Rick, I just did!
Oh you did, did you? Well I ought to give a ruddy great punch on the bottom for what you just said! You're talking about the woman I love!
And me, I love her too!
NSNeil's Father
Well I agree with the spotty twerps on that one. Felicity Kendal is sweetly pretty, just what a real girly should be. I mean, speaking as a Feminist myself I can safely say this; that Felicity Kendal is a wonderful woman, and I want to protect her.
Well, it's the first time I've ever heard it called that!
Ah, well. Boing!
(Jumps in the air and motions Rick and Vyvyan to do the same. The two exchange looks before following suit.)
RVRick & Vyvyan
(Jumping) Boing!
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