When my hamster finds out you nicked his carrot he's gonna kill you, Neil.
Oh was it S.P.G.'s? I didn't know he ate carrots.
He doesn't eat carrots, Neil, he sticks 'em down his underpants to impress the girls.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Oh, no! The front door's exploded!
Vyvyan!
Vyvyan!
"Vyvyan!" "Vyvyan!" "Vyvyan!" Honestly, whenever anything explodes in this house it's always blame Vyvyan!
Well, who do you suggest we blame?
Thatcher!
No. Blame whoever rung the front doorbell! Because they obviously triggered off the bomb I set up!
It's a video nasty!
It's a carpet, farty!
BBoys
ARRRGGHH!!
It's a vampire!
In a parcel!
In the kitchen!
[To Audience] Hate mail! [To guys] What are we gonna do?
Only Pop Music can save us now!
[The Damned appear and start performing]
VVampire
No, this is some kind of misunderstanding! I'm not a vampire! I'm a driving instructor! From Johannesburg!
A driving instructer from Johannesburg? Prove it!
VVampire
How?
Ok, what should you never do in a box junction?
VVampire
In a box junction you should never enter it unless your exit is clear!
Ah, true. Ok, what's the procedure for the approach of a humpback bridge?
VVampire
Approaching a humpback bridge, you should slow down and check in both rear-view mirrors. If no-one is behind you you should RIP OUT A VIRGIN'S THROAT AND-
Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha! Driving instructor my bottom! You're a vampire and there's no denying it!
VVampire
Oh, Outspan!
SSayle
People think television must be great. They tell me all the time 'Television must be great!', but it's not. It's dead boring you know! And that lot, they're drawl as well, and they all talk about me behind me back!
[Cut to the boys who are behaving much more maturely backstage.]
I hate him.
(Posh voice) He drinks like a fish.
Well, he's got no talent.
Alexei who?
I don't see what all the fuss is about. Vampires only attack virgins!
[Awkward pause]
Yeah, uh, it's not myself I'm worried about, Vyv. It's Rick and Neil I'm worried about.
Me, a virgin? Ha! [Increasingly scared] Just try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours!
Well, if Rick's not a virgin them I'm not either!
Well, we'll find out shortly, 'cause the vampire's gonna know, and if anyone gets attacked, then we'll know they're a sissy virgin! [Quietly] God, I hope snogging with SPG counts!
[Later]
He's gonna get us and turn us all into vampires! And we'll all be dead and yet still alive! Like Leonard Cohen!
Ok, guys! There's only one way out. We've all got to lose our virginity. Now!
But how, Mike? [Beat] Oh, no! Bags not Rick!
Bags not Vyv!
[Confused] Bags not... Neil?
VVampire
[Having being lit up by sunlight] Oh, no! I've forgotten about the time difference between here and Johannasburg! Arrrgh! Arrrgh!
HBHarry the Bastard
You owe me five hundred quid.
VRVyvyan, Rick, Neil, Mike
Well, what a complete bastard!
You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?
Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.
Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.
I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious?
What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?
Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!
You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night...
What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider.
Did I? Blimey, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. Erm, I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... chicks... tarts... women. Women!
(When asked about his night he spent with the girl, but he has no recollection of what happened.)
(awkward) Well... it was... sort of... sort of... sexy.
Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be violently and copiously sick.
Go into really lengthy and vivid detail about the whole thing.
Well, I'm gonna bend over and open my mouth. And wait for the muscles of my alimentary canal to go into spasm...
No, not you, Vyvyan! Rick.
It was incredible. We did everything.
[Recording with a tape recorder] Like what?
Umm, everything. At one point, she even took her bra off! So I took off my dungarees...
[Vyvyan promptly throws up.]
HHelen
I hope you don't mind me spending the night, but I was desperate for somewhere to stay. And when I saw you had all gone away for the weekend, I just climbed in the kitchen window, found an empty bed and went to sleep.
VMVyvyan, Mike & Neil
(Look at Rick) Eh?
No, no, no, darling. No. It wasn't an empty bed, was it? Cause I was in there, wasn't I?
HHelen
Were you? You weren't when I woke up.
Rick, you bloody liar! You said you'd done it to her- [To Helen] he said he'd done it to you.
Look, there's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding...
Ah ha ha ha ha! Rick is STILL A VIRGIN!
I'M NOT! I'm not a...
Virgin, virgin, virgin!
Vyvyan! Where'd you get that Howitzer?!
Found it.
Well you can put it back this instant, young man!
I will, I will. Just as soon as I've blown you to pieces!
Sayle [as John Cleese doing a Silly Walk]: 'Scuse me, is this a cheese shop?
MAMayall [as Michael Palin]
No, sir.
SSayle
[to camera] Well, that's that sketch knackered then, innit?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.