“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

Stephen Fry

Would you rather get an eMail from a Spanish Prisoner or a Nigerian Prince?

Colin Lane

A Nigerian Prince.

Stephen Fry

Why's that? [slightly under-breath] Please pray.

Colin Lane

What?

Stephen Fry

Why's that?

Colin Lane

I have no reason, I'm using the 50/50 rule.

Stephen Fry

Both are pretty bad options, to be honest.

Colin Lane

Can you trust a Nigerian Prince?

Stephen Fry

Have you never had one of those eMails?

Colin Lane

No, actually, I don't.

Stephen Fry

Oh, of course, because Australian Internet connection is so slow, you probably don't even get eMails. You certainly can't download movies or anything. [Colin gets up to leave] I mean, I love the country: it's not your fault.

Alan Davies

He's only going over there, because that's the only place he can get Wi-Fi.

Colin Lane

[Mocking Stephen] "I love the country, but I do love so much to hang shit on it, as much as I possibly can..."

Stephen Fry

They deliberately use spelling mistakes and use bad grammar. Why would they do that?

Alan Davies

To attract Australians?

Stephen Fry

We already know what Australians are like at losing things. We've known 3 times out of 4.

Colin Lane

What's the most recent result?

Stephen Fry

OK, we'll take 3 out of 4.

Stephen Fry

Describe the aviation techniques of the concrete arrows.

Alan Davies

Concrete can’t really fly, Stephen, can they, cos it’s very heavy.

Stephen Fry

Well, are you saying a jumbo jet isn’t heavy?

Alan Davies

[After a pause.] Good point.

Stephen Fry

People forget London was on steam in the same way that it was on gas and is now on electricity, and on the broadband, as it were.

Colin Lane

How do you spell that? Broadband? B-R- Broadband. [Pretends to write in down.]

Stephen Fry

Even more of a military leader.

Alan Davies

Not Hitler.

Stephen Fry

Adolf, as you rightly say, Hit-, as you pointed out, -ler.

Stephen Fry

What did Typhoid Mary die of?

Alan Davies

Oh, don’t start.

Stephen Fry

Actually, Ross got it straight away.

Ross Noble

Shut your face.

Stephen Fry

What's the most dangerous thing you can find in doctors waiting rooms?

Matt Lucas

Ah, a copy of the Daily Telegraph.

Stephen Fry

It sounds odd, but a bear can't be wiped down.

Alan Davies

You've tried.

Stephen Fry

You can, obviously...

Alan Davies

You've wiped down a lot of bears, come on Stephen.

Matt Lucas

Now we know why it's called Winnie the Pooh

Ross Noble

It's really called Winnie the Filthy Shit.

Stephen Fry

13.5% of hard toys...

Alan Davies

Don't google that whatever you do. Don't google hard toys. Don't google wiping down bears.

Ross Noble

Certainly no Winnie the Filthy Shit.

Stephen Fry

Who's having sex on your face right now?

Alan Davies

Bacteria. [To Lucy Porter] It’s usually bacteria, so go with me on this one.

Stephen Fry

They have no anuses.

Alan Davies

Ooohh, thank God for that!

Stephen Fry

Unfortunately Alan, unfortunately, the fact they have no anuses, means that when they die, a whole life time of waste is deposited on your face. That is what happens...

Ross Noble

Is this 14% of waste you can see?

Stephen Fry

No. But what...

Ross Noble

That's a lovely tan you've got there Stephen...

Matt Lucas

That we have less filings, maybe that's because we don't go to the dentist at all.

Stephen Fry

Fewer fillings.

Matt Lucas

Fewer fillings...

Stephen Fry

I'm being very silly.

Matt Lucas

Stephen?

Stephen Fry

Yes?

Matt Lucas

Knock, knock.

Stephen Fry

Who's there?

Matt Lucas

To.

Stephen Fry

To who?

Matt Lucas

No, it's "To whom?".

Jimmy Carr

Here's the thing about Hitler: History judges him very harshly. But he did kill Hitler.

I know some actors who pretended to be gay to get out of conscription.

Stephen Fry

I've known more actors who pretended to be straight...