VWVictoria Wood
Have you not got a television?
Yes, but I’m always on it.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[on discussion on why Santa doesn't have a place on Forbes' fictional rich list]
Yes, young Brendan.
BOBrendan O'Carroll
Is it because [whispers] he may not be real?
*gasps*
[forfeit klaxon goes off - HE'S NOT REAL]
BOBrendan O'Carroll
YES!
Oh, poor Phill...
[Phill heads over to the screen and collapses in disbelief]
But, Phill: that got a klaxon. So that can't be right.
[Phill runs over to hug Stephen]
It's alright.
[Phill sits back down]
Carry on...
[same conversation]
So why is Santa off of the rich list?
It's a very simple reason. It's a fictional rich-list. And Santa is real!
[To the tune of "O, Tannenbaum"]
Neil Kinnock's hair is deeply red.
though most of it's not on his head.
[Classical Ringtone]
(to Brendan) Is that your phone?
BOBrendan O'Carroll
Yes.
[Panel and Audience Laughs as Brendan covers his face in shame]
BOBrendan O'Carroll
It's Heston Blumenthal!
Minus how many points, I'm wondering?
BOBrendan O'Carroll
I'm so sorry. I didn't even know I had it on me!
Do you know the name for a group of kittens?
A sack of?
A puke?
Do you know the Boomerang joke?
Go on.
It'll come back to you.
I walked into that one.
It just goes in the bin, doesn’t it, bubble wrap, once you’ve popped it.
Or you sit in front of the telly relieving yourself.
[Alan gives Stephen a pointed look.]
You know what I mean.
Yes. But let’s get back to the bubble wrap.
[A klaxon goes off.]
Not me. Wasn’t me. I didn’t do anything.
What has 32 brains and sucks?
[points towards the audience] The front row.
Are you suggesting...?
I’m not suggesting...
Are you suggesting that I’m somehow pleasuring a whale?
A sperm whale’s penis is about 3 metres long.
What would you find at the exact centre of the observable universe?
You?
[Later]
Isn't the sun the centre of the universe?
[Bursts out in patronizing laughter, catches himself] Well, sorry for my laughter.
What a way to build me confidence!
I thought that was a serious question as well and we both looked at you and you looked at us like the peasants of the land. "Will we ever be free of this tyranny? [throws back her head] Bwa, haw, haw! Never, never, never!"
Doesn't the Wicked Hall Witch live there? Haw, haw haw...
I'm sorry that it sounded quite so patronizing. The centre of the universe is apparently Bank street and Sixth street in Wallace, Idaho or...
The sun.
Johnny Vegas and Aisling Bea: [going "haw haw haw" and high-fiveing each other]
You beasts, you beasts, you unutterable beasts.
[On the formation of the Moon.]
They invented a theory to keep the argument alive?
Basically.
I had an ex-girlfriend like that.
If you brought a cat or a dog to feed to the lions. Or the tigers. They had tigers as well. And they had bears.
Oh, my.
Good books, you don't need to bother reading. Like it's controversial to say it, but I don't think Harry Potter is worth reading, because its so expertly narrated on the audio-books [which Stephen Fry narrated]. [Laughter] You know after I listened to the Harry Potter books with you narrating them, everything in my life is narrated by Stephen Fry. All my thoughts, my internal monologue is now Stephen Fry's voice. Even the dirty thoughts. [Laughter] It makes it acceptable. I had a sexual thought the other day, I put my hand in the air, I had a sexual thought about Camilla Parker Bowles. It didn’t seem weird, [points at Stephen] because Stephen was saying it.
[Gets a question right and rips open his shirt in excitement, baring his chest.]
You made a happy man feel very old.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.